Pains of Love Part III
©Zenobia Ragin, All rights owned by Abundant Waters Management, Inc. no parts of this content may be reproduced without the authors sole permission
She knew one day she would meet her biological father; however, she did not know the circumstances that would bring him into her home. She was 15 when she experienced the unquenchable thirst to know her father. Dina wrote a therapeutic letter to her father that would never be mailed. In it she told him of all her relationships and how she longed for his presence to guide her through all her heartaches.
FEBRUARY 14, 2006
JOURNAL ENTRY-A Letter to father
Dearest unfamiliar Father,
Not knowing you has been the venom that has engulfed my embittered heart. You were someone I needed most – it’s a little girl who desperately needs her father – not having you has been the bolts and chains across my icy heart. I have fought a miserable beast within; years of therapy and journalizing have proven successful. Within this journal I have written about every agonizing moment – this entry is to reveal my identity to you:
My name is Medina McBride. I’m your daughter and this is my story: She grew up at 15th & Komensky, Madison and Jessica, were her best friends. Her alter ego enabled her to maintain a never-ending list of boyfriends. This was the fiber of what people understood her to be. Madison and Jessica had an expectation of her that looked forward to her performance. It was as if her alter ego resembled a magnetic force field that was irresistible to the opposite sex. Adoration and complimentary looks from her male counterparts fed her alter ego; but it was Gloom and Doubt who lived off of the false pride in order to wear the mask of camouflage to hide its real truth. She lived in camouflage hiding the reality of her aching heart. The camouflage was thick, and she wore it like a second skin.
It would be a betrayal to her alter ego to reveal the source of her pain, revealing the source would mean a course of action toward good mental health, and this Major Depression would not have. Major Depression was the ruling oppressor. Gloom and Doubt was one layer of camouflage that lay beneath her alter ego. Years had passed before Major Depression was exposed – Gloom and Doubt did its cover up job well –
Major Depression had an opportunity to develop into a catalyst that festered up a brew that was near indestructible.
The telephone rang constantly; this annoyed her mother, Dina relished in receiving the steady stream of attention. She had become needed, and wanted by her male friends. This was the life-blood for Major Depression’s survival. As long as it could remain hidden under ego it could survive. To be exposed would mean extermination. The more attention ego received the stronger its hold, and mastery became. Ego was real to Dina she believed it was where her true self lived, ego had created an image that was self-absorbed, and shortsighted to others feelings, or needs. This was the barbarian that hooked an anchor in her soul. Ego had become who she was; it had grown into creating an illusion of grandeur attitude. An attitude of believing she was more than what she really was, a preoccupation of being important, it devised a deficiency in her socialization skills.
This was the mechanism that created her world of loneliness – her precursor to unhappiness, an inability to show friendliness to others; the stepping stone to her many male encounters. Outside of Madison and Jessica there were no other friends. Madison and Jessica saw her as the precocious one of the three. Dina was the pacesetter. Her pattern created a world of alienation, alienated from family, and social events. It was her idealistic way of living in the enjoyment of the moment – when was the next date that’s all that mattered. What she didn’t understand was her lifestyle was meaningless, and was developing an emotional detachment from others. Living in ego only gained her an environment where her existence was superior, and others were her hirelings. Her world wasn’t real; it was pretend, and self-deceiving.
She stayed within this imaginary world for years – never caring to step outside of her ego to comprehend the feelings of another human being. She thought it was amusing to captivate onlookers’ attention – this was her safe place. For her it was a place where she couldn’t be mishandled, or bruised, there was no ill-gotten gain within this make believe compartment. She had created a fantasy world. She was the star. But she didn’t consider herself a harlot; harlots did it for money – this she did not do – but for the fulfillment of ego.
Her heart was bankrupt for the love of a father, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance – pains of love was just the beginning.
© Adrienne Manson All rights reserved