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Perforation H

Updated on July 19, 2012

Doesn't Matter How You Tear It

I have been many miles and around many turns in my life. I have seen things few people see or want to see. I left that part of my life behind. I still have weird thoughts and odd things come to my mind for no reason while I am alone. This came to my mind for a very obvious reason.

Every time we go to the bathroom you and I take for granted that our toilet paper has those little perforations in each roll. If you have never experienced a roll that lacks these little voids of gold then you are in the lucky club and should buy lottery tickets now.

I recently had to evacuate the bowels only to find a roll of non perforated toilet paper at hand. I can only say, I wanted to set the building on fire. The over sized roll is inside an impenetrable hasp device that is positioned down around ankle level. The paper is only three fingers wide, which makes you use your math skills in order to prevent some sort of catastrophic natural disaster in your hands.

This particular incident was in the category of CEBE (Pronounced SeeBee). A CEBE is simply a shortened term for Complete Emergency Bowel Evacuation. Being an emergency of a serious nature I swiftly pulled my car into the local gas station, a Racetrac in Picayune Miss. They usually have a decent bathroom to use and this one was on the interstate exit where I was travelling.

As I was approaching the door, walking quickly with a look of seriousness upon my face, I was thinking two things: One, I hope the toilet is available. Two, I hope the toilet paper is in there because I have no time to find some or wait on some boob to get out of my way.

As I made my way into the bathroom, I was pleased to discover it was empty. I hurried into the stall, made a quick scan to see if a hover move would be necessary, or if I would be able to go with the cover and shoot method. Luckily, I would be able to cover and shoot as this stall seemed to be somewhat disinfected on occasion.

I reached out to lock the sliding lock noticing I was losing dexterity in my fingers because of the looming emergency. Clear thought was becoming very difficult as the pressure continued to build. I got the door secured and turned around to get my cover down. That's when I discovered the most hellish invention known to modern man.

The round toilet paper cover, you know the one. The one with the brown colored plastic you can see the crappy toilet paper through. The impenetrable plastic TP fortress.

Not only is the brown menace impenetrable, it is located ankle high from the not so pleasant floor. This causes me to have to bend over to grasp the paper to pull it out of the fortress. I began to pull, I've noticed there are no bearings in these contraptions so a smooth pull is not happening, pulling slowly so that I don't end up with a giblet of ragged T.P in my hand. Now the pull is getting too long and about to touch the lovely tiled floor. After a few aggravating pull and tears, I got the seat covered to my wife's Standards then proceeded to drop a protein bomb.

As I sat reflecting on the diverted disaster and checking Facebook, I realized time was short and I needed to get back on the road. Again I began to pull and mess with the brown menace only this time I was seated and prone because of the ridiculous height of the brown menace. I pulled out about six inches of the T.P. and again got ever so close to the amoebas.

At that point I had to begin to pull upward to prevent cootie contamination on my 3 fingers wide wad of cheap T.P. Eventually, at about the top of the brown menace, tension began to bog the T.P pull down. I couldn't pull it any further and it wouldn't tear. It was stretching like some sort of rubber. Finally, it snapped and I had not near enough paper to cover all my fingers and thumb.

Now, I was left to decide on whether to take a chance on Baby Ruth hand or make a bigger wad of this silly strip of recycled newspaper. I chose to make a bigger wad.

Reaching back down to my ankle to grasp the rubber T.P I began to feel around for the other ragged end of the torn T.P. Reaching, lunging, and grasping at nothing inside the brown menace.

Apparently the rubber T.P had snapped hard enough to back roll itself into the brown menaces vortex. As I scratched my head wondering how to come at this predicament, I realized my legs were getting numb like Danny Glover's did in Lethal Weapon only my explosive wasn't that deadly, I reached back into the vortex and found the roll with the tip of my fingernail and began to roll it by flicking my finger.

Finally, as my wrist started to seize up, miraculously the tattered remains of the T.P fell into view. The brown menace's gravity had subsided long enough to allow me one last chance at freedom from the door with no bottom. I will spare you the details of what transpired from that point, just remember to check for the little perforations and don't take a dump at a gas station unless you must.

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