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A few performance anxiety problems in the house

Updated on November 29, 2011
There will be a lot of steam let off this term.
There will be a lot of steam let off this term. | Source

Now the election has ended and the country has returned to its usual flaccid self, it is time for those who didn’t feel the earth (or the government) move, to get their revenge. The disaffected in the parties whose members got laughed at and humiliated now want payback.

The ACTors were first to step up to the wee guillotine when a visibly deflated Dong Rash withdrew before the job was even done. Still, he’s an older guy and I guess his stamina ain’t what it used to be. (Little John) Banquo now thinks it is his time to get some action but after such a lengthy spell having to play on his own he might have forgotten what to do. The other danger is that he is currently obsessed with coming up with a new pet name for his part(y). Frankly I think the ACTors have lost all functionality and might just have to rely on memories for the next three years providing those don’t desert them as well. In the same way New Winston First are considered a party for geriatrics; Actors are a party OF geriatrics.

Phil Goshisthatthetime has predictably fallen on his sword (ouch) and Annette Kingky has gone down with him as all failed leadership teams do. The Laboured Party has begun checking out all its respective members to see who is most likely to impress. It would seem they will choose a David which is appropriate really when they want to kick the ass of a Goliath. This means they will either have to choose the David that has the biggest stones or the one who knows best how to use them.

Initially the smart money seemed to be on Cun*liffe but after his outburst about the imagined horrors of shagging Judas Collins that might have been a case of premature calculation. Although every good Kiwi guy worth his salt probably secretly agrees with him; he should have held that back until he was in the saddle so to speak. It would have been much more effective then. Therefore I think Park-up is probably the one that will do it, because The Shearer is almost a parliamentary virgin at this stage of proceedings.

Nothing much will happen with United Fuckwits because Peter Dung is past it and I would expect he will leave Parliament at the next election and his ‘party’ will sink without a trace rather like Jim And-a-ton’s has.

There could be considerable upheaval within the Maori Patu this term. They lost their mojo big-time and we know that after this term they will lose their Pita Power. With Tariana Tooreal also leaving the maorital bed in 2014 there will be some mad scrambling from the next batch of hopefuls trying to get on top. They also face another problem; many of their constituency think they have been unfaithful to them. And hell hath no fury like a spurned voter, so they will have to buy an awful lot of flowers and chocolates to woo their voters back again and, more to the point they will have to keep their pants on around the NDs.

Shonkey Hone did better than most expected but he will probably have to make his own fun because his potential list of parliamentary mates has been shrinking ever since he entered the place.

Obviously Jianqi and the NDs think they are God’s gift to the nation, but with just 48 percent of the 73 percent of voters who went to the polls this is hardly a ringing endorsement of their performance. Furthermore as a result of the flak their co(al)ition partners got from those to whom they were supposed to be faithful, Jianqi might find it difficult to have his evil way with them to the same extent this time.

As for New Winston First and the Greener Pastures; they will both be getting aroused by the possibility of reining in the NDs. But before they get too excited by all that leather gear they should both be sure to use protection and watch out for PTD’s*.

*Politically Transmitted Diseases


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