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Poem - Do You Know Who I Am?

Updated on August 27, 2012

This may seem harsh but it is a composite of time, experience and feeling....

Do you know who I am?
How could you for I am a sham

Is it what my daughter sees?
She say's I'm the best Daddy

Is it what my son would say
About the example I set each day?

Is it what my wife has felt
About the hand she’s been dealt?

What about an erstwhile lover
To whom I would run for cover?

If for only for a moment
Selfishly seeking atonement

I could ask myself, why?
Why hide behind a lie?

Sowing disappointment once again
Always hurting another friend

What about the pressure
From the job where I measure?

Does it drive my spirit away?
Crushed by conformity each day?

To be so consistent
For one who is insistent

That I be the one they want
As I put up a front

But who am I today?
My true self must obey

At what moment do I see?
How my life can truly be?

Do any of you really know?
Because of what I do not show?

There is so much for you to learn
But my mind you cannot discern

Encumbered by rules and vows
Limited by what life allows

I cannot enjoy anyone new
Because then I would not be true

I've become too hard to touch
Closeness has become too much

But as captivating as I might be
I would be confronted by
adultery

So I shrink back to my private place
Hiding my thoughts just in case

The new one I want so much
Learns of my need to touch

In place of lust
I compose words of dust

To disappear into the air
Taking with them quiet despair

Do you know who I am?
How could you for I am a sham

Never truly honest or open
Just one who gives a token

Of love, of interest, of attention
But never real affection

Because it is trapped
Behind hang-ups that have wrapped

My heart within a sewn-up sleeve
So I remain quiet and grieve

Well maybe it's you I don't know
Maybe I only care how I grow

But I want your approval
To facilitate my shackles removal

To open myself and gush the emotional river
Allowing my heart to stand and deliver

The love to another that God has created
But that so many times, man has cremated

Pride, the dominant trait
Continues to control my fate

Into a future of uncertainty
Without any answers, but constant scrutiny

Of what my mind can think of
About my inability to experience love

I will take it from you
Coloring your world a deep dark blue

Because in the end you will wonder
Why your heart I did plunder

When it was never about you
But about my need for a clue

To know if I am worthy
Of someone who surely

Is better than I
Who is not afraid to cry

While I stand and stare
With no emotion to care

Because I don't know who I am
Do you?

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    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      Mark Lecuona 7 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Thank you again Scarlett,

      It is my life and my inner feelings. I am human and temptation and love and bitterness are all there. I am the same as you or anybody else.

    • Scarlett My Dear profile image

      Scarlett My Dear 7 years ago from Missouri

      Our truths change from one agonizing minute to the next ~ plummeting our hearts into our stomachs. There is no shame in any emotion, voiced or left to float on the ether. It is the Human Experience, isn't it, to just feel them as they come.

      It is your Truth, which is so beautifully written here on these pages. Thank you, again.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      Mark Lecuona 7 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Thank you ladyjane... it's a bit of an open book but I was not feeling the need for ambiguity...

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 7 years ago from Texas

      Nice poem you have here and great expression of your innermost feelings. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Cheers to you.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      Mark Lecuona 7 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Nellieanna,

      The truth hurts eh? But yes it is better to be clear rather than to entice a reliance on false pretense... that's when the "woman scorned" or otherwise comes into play...

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 years ago from TEXAS

      I'm glad you hit the publish button. Wonderful poem and expressions of your thoughts and feelings.

      I like your illustration of what you wish to avoid by being honest with yourself too. My feeling is that no matter how painful truth is, illusion or self-delusion will always result in greater and more lasting pain.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      Mark Lecuona 7 years ago from Austin, Texas

      It's gotten worse scribert1... existing jobs are now held dear as management never misses an opportunity to remind how many people are lining up for our jobs; people who will work for less....

    • profile image

      scriber1 7 years ago

      To be so consistent, for one who is insistent"......the quintessential qualifier for identification of the current human race. Thank you.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      Mark Lecuona 7 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Nellieanna and b. Malin,

      I hesitated to post this piece. It sat unpublished for several weeks but then I just hit publish and thought I can weather anyone's remarks in my personal life. I am an open book and am trying to exist without fear but with a sense of caring.

      I was watching the movie Mogambo the other night (Clark Gable, Ava Gardner and Grace Kelly); Grace and Ava of course were both in love with Clark Gable's character (Kelly's character was married and her husband was on safari with all of them)... Ava came forward and tried to confide with Kelly about it all; she had seen Kelly kiss Gable. But Kelly refused to discuss it and was living in denial about her feelings. She was harsh towards Gardner because her true feelings did not mesh with what she had done and who she really was.

      I don't want to be like that but I don't want to hurt anyone either....

      Thank you for your comments once again...

    • b. Malin profile image

      b. Malin 7 years ago

      Do I know who I am?...Sometimes...Wonderful piece of Poetry...very gut wrenching...from the heart...which makes it one of your best!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 years ago from TEXAS

      I can empahize. And I can answer that there is no answer but in your own self-knowledge. It doesn't provide all the answers but it takes care of the primary question.

      It's a wonderful expression of it all. There is not one wasted word. They speak loud and clear.

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