Prisoners of the Earth: My Thoughts On Suicide, and The Wisdom of The Aniyunwiya
Of course I do not need to explain to an artist the feeling of despair, or even fear that perhaps we have followed a muse too far; that we are hopelessly lost; that we will never find our way back to the world, and that we will die in abject poverty. It is not necessary to explain that had we paid attention to the details of the mundane, our fortunes would have been much greater; our burden much lighter.
But it is not money that inspires me, or I would have chosen another, more conventional path. I was raised up with the luxury and comfort of plenty, and so I fully understand the narcotic and debilitating effect of money. Had I been born into poverty I would have most likely fallen into the trap of seeking a way out by embracing, and subscribing to the god of materialism. And I must admit, why wouldn't a man who is starving to death consider a piece of meat, a scrap of bread, or a rickety roof over his head to be a gift from God above? Nor have I ever been taken with the idea of fame, as I was famous with my mother and my father. My childhood was the "greatest show on earth", and so I was well accustomed to fame at an early age, until the day they died.
No, fame and fortune are not what has motivated my pursuit of music and art. In fact, I cannot honestly say what has motivated me thus far, except to say that I love it, and it is like a wonderful addiction; an addiction that even the most beautiful, or sexually attractive woman could not inspire. I have come to believe that happiness is not worth living for, as it is fleeting at best. But there is a certain lingering satisfaction to bringing a creation into the world; not flesh, blood, and bone, but something born of mind and spirit that is greater and more lasting than the flesh. But I do not call it happiness. Yes, I have found satisfaction in the fulfillment of my purpose, but it is not happiness as commonly defined.
If not for art and music, I would have taken my own life many years ago. But not because I was sad, or filled with despair. It would have simply been due to a lack of purpose. It is a popular myth that all people commit suicide because they can no longer cope with living. Although I am sure this is true in many cases, I can attest to the fact that my thoughts of suicide in the past, or the present, have had little to do with hopelessness, grief, or despair. And this is in spite of the fact that I have, on many occasions, experienced moments of intense grief and despair. When my brother was bludgeoned to death and left lying in the street like a dead animal comes to mind.
My thoughts of suicide stem from the understanding that this life we now are living, is either only a beginning, or a continuation of an immortal existence. I am an intelligent person,and so I can only mock the pseudo intellectuals who eschew idealism,mentalism, and the metaphysical, for a pedestrian, materialistic, and existential explanation of time and the universe. Idealistic Relativism is the term I have coined to express my philosophy. Fundamentally, this philosophy holds that we cannot be sure that we know anything at all, but that we must have the faith and humility to understand that we are not capable of comprehending that which is far and above human understanding, and that we were created by a superior intelligence.
My faith tells me that there is something wonderful about to begin. But please, the reader must understand that this is not my wish, or my hope that I am now expressing to the world, but only my true understanding. I "know through faith" that there is an entire world; an entire spiritual universe that exists outside of this material realm. I know it as surely as I know that I have two eyes in my head, or that the sun rises and sets each day. The material world is only temporary, and in many respects, simply an illusion. For those of you who might wonder what it means to "know by faith" I suggest that you get some, and when you do, your faith will answer all of these questions.
My thoughts of suicide are like the thoughts of a child dreaming about a trip to Disneyland, or the thoughts of a man who longs to climb to the highest peak of the highest mountain! But I know that I cannot go to that shining star; to that beautiful bright light that I saw so many years ago when my heart stopped and the breath rushed out of my body, while I am still trapped and securely wrapped up in the flesh; bound by these frail human sensibilities; a prisoner of the Earth. God does not want us to love the world, but to love a life that is everlasting. The Earth is not our home, but only the anvil upon which we are formed. We have been thrust into the Earth like a steel rod thrust into a furnace, so that we might be fashioned and shaped in a manner that is pleasing to the Creator of All Things.
These are my thoughts on suicide, but it may be surprising to many readers that my purpose here is suicide prevention! As I have stated before, I am a practitioner of the greatest scientific method. God has allowed me to become self-conscious inside of the creature. God has allowed me to understand that I also exist apart from the creature. From this vantage point I have been able study the human from the inside out. To get a better idea of what this means, let the reader imagine how great their understanding of a rabbit would be if they could actually "become" the rabbit; if they could live and die as a rabbit, or any other creature. This knowledge would greatly surpass the primitive understanding of conventional science.
This is because the greatest part of a rabbit is it's consciousness. It is the consciousness and the dreams of a rabbit that define it's true self,rather than it's physical components, or material properties.
And so, keeping this in mind, when we commit suicide we are not killing ourselves, but are only killing the creature in which we temporarily reside. Since we cannot simply open the door and step out of the vehicle, through an act of suicide, we are purposely crashing the automobile into a tree so that we might climb from the wreckage. But we must take care to understand that contrary to popular belief, everyone is not qualified to make such a choice. Suicide should never be an option for someone who is suffering from grief, depression, abuse, or financial hardship. Why?
Because the adversity of the material life is the reason we are here. This adversity is part of the process of creation. It is not possible for us to achieve perfection of form otherwise. To commit suicide for such reasons is like a child running away from the medicine that can save his or her life, simply because the medicine may be very bitter to the taste. For instance, once I discovered this truth, I set the truth in motion, and I allowed my life to unravel. Presently, for over five years, I have by design, lived in a state of perpetual torment, uncertainty, and despair. But it is during this time of adversity that I have achieved my greatest understanding, and I have completed many works.Ironically, it is only through my self-induced torment that I have found the greatest riches.
I have learned through my ordeal that suicide is not the answer in most cases. I have learned that many people commit suicide, not necessarily because of weakness, but because of a lack of education, and understanding. There may come a day when I take my own life. But on that day the sun will be shining. On that day there will be no more adversity to overcome. And on that day, without a doubt, I will know that my works are complete, and that it is time for me to go home. Osiyo!
© 2015 Ronnie wrenchBiscuit