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Prose - I Wish To Be

Updated on January 6, 2012

I wish to be
What I cannot see
But only feel
The honest cry
Can only be
What is real
I wish to be
The unproven
In silent purpose
And longing
Without pretense
I wish to be
In turbulent
In horror
And shame
Because of what I know
I wish to be
In a constant state
Of inspiration
With nature
Without conversation
I wish to be
Sad without laughter
Or lightness
Raw nerved
In pained fullness
I wish to be
To mingle your pain
With my own
To see your heart
And it’s ugly stain
I wish to be
In my walk
To know
What I am
A dove or a rock?
I wish to be
What cannot be touched
By another's hand
A soul
Nothing more
In my own land
I wish to be
Not entertained
In thought
I wish to be
But open
In pure emotion


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    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Deborah - Thank you again. You are WAY too kind. I just am trying to be what life has told me not to be. I need to function as a father and somebody's employee but in reality I want to feel the unseen; the metaphysical... I am so shallow at so many times in my life and I want to be more than that. To write about it is the easy part in my view because the challenge to be that way is virtually impossible for me to accomplish...

    • Deborah Brooks profile image

      Deborah Brooks Langford 6 years ago from Brownsville,TX

      wow so beautiful.. You have such a flair for writing beautiful and intriguing poems.. I am in awe..

      I voted way up


    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @PDXK - Thank you... boy Nellianna wears me out but I love her!

    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Nellianna - Well I've read your comment and guess what? You need to make it into a hub! That was wonderful and to think it wouldn't be here had I not somehow written this piece.

      I think your point of being a whole being is so important. I was raised by a macho Cuban man and a mother who tried to counter-balance it. We moved to South Texas and the machismo ethic was engrained in me. I had my “arty” side as I took eight years of piano lessons but it was not something that I explored too deeply. It was a chore and my friends didn’t seem too interested in it (it seems that piano lessons was something that girls did) so I kept it pretty much to myself. Later in life my friends would exclaim, “I didn’t know you could play the piano like that!” I was thinking, “That’s because you stifled me in high school.” As an aside I’m no Cliburne… but I can play Elton John and Liz Story fairly well…

      The interesting thing to me is how I am able to be emotional and at the same time maintain my masculinity. I didn’t know it could be done but in fact it can. Being emotional doesn’t have to mean falling apart or crying. It means being aware. And not everything is a fact finding mission. The intellectual side must be developed but without emotion you cannot feel what is happening around you and that allows intuition to supplement what you memorize in school. For me I want to feel the emotion of others because I want to empathize with them. I think it helps me realize that I’m like everyone else and shouldn’t feel inferior to anyone. Rather than making myself weak, instead it makes me strong. And once I feel the emotions of life then I can feel my intellectual side firing up to write about it. They go hand in hand in my view.

      Don’t worry about the anecdote about your sister. It is interesting and does show how people have this need to be superior to others. It is tough for the older sibling to realize that the younger one has become their equal and in some ways their superior. I have a younger brother and when he became a man he was my equal. It was hard for me to adjust but as we have grown I now am comfortable with him and no longer look at him as a threat but in fact I have reinforced my own gifts in my mind. It’s good to get beyond these things; it’s a shame it takes so long.

      I always appreciate how you take the time to read my work and then give me such profound comments.

    • PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

      Justin W Price 6 years ago from Juneau, Alaska

      interesting and inspiring work, Mark

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Oh, dear. I did not mean to include that about my Mensa sister - all that followed "one iota" was not intended for this comment! I'd scrolled it down as I wrote with the intention of omitting it. But then I copied it with the rest when I copied to post my comment. My computer is temperamental and if I don't write offline and then copy and paste to a web-based screen, I'm likely to get it all but written and my screen suddenly goes away and it's lost. So I just write offline and then place it. Oh well. There it is and by the time I realized it was included, it was too late to edit it out. Sigh - So much for intellect - WAY TOO FOCUSED! hahahah!

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Wow - thank you. Yes, I am certainly a feminine human being and I glory in it.

      I was amazed to discover that my right and left brain hemispheres are almost equal and both are pretty amazing. 51% right brain & 49% left brain.

      I guess for a woman, it's most amazing & a bit frightening to recognize and realize her analytical, intellectual faculties work just about as well as her artistic intuitive ones. Especially in my generation, there were unspoken taboos (and penalties) for a gal being "too smart". My parents were very into education, though, & between them, encouraged a balance even while encouraging the traditional feminine role. It was an interesting home which nourished but also upheld limits on a woman's whole nature. And I was the "baby" by so many years that I kind of had to sort things out for myself usually within the constraints of 3 very strong older siblings as well as the two very bright parents.

      Yes, very interesting. Guys and gals are reared with such different expectations, and many of them work against becoming all each is meant to be. I can trace some of my own pitfalls to misdirection and a tendency to accept the status quo.

      But my premise is that we 'make' ourselves anyway. We begin by making ourselves out of one cell, after all! As you say - we have to learn to allow our true beings to surface and then embrace and nourish it to grow into its own fullness. Fact is, no one else can do much for it anyway, though they can do considerably much to stifle it.

      Actually, it's a fairly intellectual realization - - that a human being is multi-talented & capable in so many radial directions, not just in a select few, too often selected by others whose own lives have probably been crippled somewhat by the same restrictions they have well-meaningly tried to impose on us.

      Of course emotions as well as intellect are part of our overall intelligence, in fact. Intuitive capabilities are what allow the martial artist to sense the opponent wherever he is & from whatever direction he may strike, so as to be right there to stop him. If he had to sift the information though the channels of his cerebrum, it would be worked out (if ever) much too late to suffice to save his life.

      We all have those abilities along with our "higher" intellect; and who is to say which is higher? They are part of the same fabric of our beings. I read once that the human brain is actually one of our many "senses", like sight and touch. It evolved along with the others but the thing about it has been that its self-awareness encourages it to take control & take over all the functions of the rest of our "wisdom of the body". Our every cell has a primordial 'intelligence' but we as a species & as individuals, gradually became/become so dependent upon it that we are crippled by its very most important functions: the ability to focus on one thing to the exclusion of all others (which means missing much of the evidence all around us for general use and protection while resolving just major analytical issues); its thoroughness (which ties up all our faculties for interminable amounts of time while all the other data is being ignored by this amazing brain in control); its individual limitations. (which vary from person to person and rely on training and education which ae unequally distributed among humans).

      But when we as individuals recover the ability to utilize ALL our own resources - including the brain but not limited to or by it - we are much closer to the "actualized" being of Maslow's model. Whatever our talents, abilities and training - we are able to function at 100% of our own potential. Think what a better world it might be if people were encouraged and allowed to be all they can be! Boggles me mind.

      The gender restrictions are possibly the biggest obstacle to doing that. Not that gender is any less important - just as the brain is no less important if we learn to use all our resources. Male and female are designed to work together well, if they just knew it.

      I love being a female. I just prefer being a whole female human being best. I applaud and appreciate the uniqueness of the male gender. And I prefer males who are whole human beings best, as well. It saddens me to see either gender constrained by absurd restrictions which really have little real personal application. Most of them have been generated & cultivated by social, political and -sadly - religious agendas which become so entrenched that it becomes almost heretical to question them. But I say - let freedom ring! Fortunately for any individual - it IS an individual quest and hardly rocks the boat an iota. hehe.

      But the overall tenor of things was strong and I had two much older sisters, one who hid her intellect and was sought after and one who flaunted hers and was less popular. Anyway - I was always creative and able to figure things out for myself but I didn't equate it with being so balanced and I NEVER asserted my intellectual ability.

      Then one odd day much later, and after I'd found a lot more of myself and my own power, and after my sister with the Mensa credentials had flaunted them once too often, I decided to try out, not expecting much. haha - but I figured, what the heck. If I fell on my face, who had to know? As it turned out, I exceeded her showing but then I couldn't bring myself to tell her. After all, it had always meant so much to her for her whole life (12 years longer than mine) & it hadn't even occurred to me to wonder. But I did give her a little test of my own. I gave her some Mensa jewelry for Christmas. It's not exactly an open market, so she should have realized I didn't just walk in a shop and buy them. But no - she attributed it to my husband's cleverness in getting around obstacles! Many years later, when she found out, the color literally drained from her face. I felt so badly for her.

      Anyway - it's all a matter of discovering oneself and all the parts of which we're comprised. It's what gives us each our unique value. When one is creative and also strong intellectually, it makes for a wondrous thing.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Senoritaa - I think I'm just discovering what is important and best to integrate that into my life....

      @Nellianna - You're a mermaid; you're a snowflake... I see you as so feminine and unique... glad I "caught" you. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my works and make these comments. I think I'm learning that a man can be emotional without falling apart; you can care and retain your strength; you can be open about your feelings and retain your dignity. It's a matter of allowing who you are to bubble to the surface and then embrace it. I feel I can be simultaneously intellectual and emotional because I desire to be that way.

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      Yes, that's an apt metaphor for what happens when we post our works.

      Your description of your own quest shows you to be a real human being, one on a quest. One's own odyssey of discovery, is so intimately personal, colored by one's shared human nature, including emotion and sense, past conditioning, sense of what we need - all those factors which are the canvas upon which one's own intangible DNA of self writes oneself, I think.

    • Senoritaa profile image

      Senoritaa 6 years ago

      These self-searching lines disguise the persuasive nature of the silent words in between. Nicely done.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Robin and iva - Thank you. Your enthusiastic responses to this poem made me smile. I really appreciate it... I've been thinking more and more about how we are formed by society and what people think of us and I'm drifting more and more into what it is I want to be. Of course we have to be smart about it but I no longer wish to conform to someone's opinion just because of who they are.

    • iva dragostinova profile image

      iva dragostinova 6 years ago from Brighton, UK

      Very beautiful and emotive. Wonderfully captures the complex space that "being" encompasses with all it's wishing wondering and questioning. Excellent!

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      Robin Kemp 6 years ago

      Tremendous, awesome, spectacular. You've got the gift. Thanks for sharing.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @JosieLee - Thank you for commenting. Emotion is what drives what I write. I can't do it unless I feel it then it pours right out.

      @always exploring - Thank you again! And the same to you on your wishes for 2012 and beyond...

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Beautiful..May all your wishes come true...Thank you..

    • JosieLee profile image

      JosieLee 6 years ago from New Mexico

      What a beautiful poem. thank you for sharing a poem filled with emotion. I will be voting up.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image

      Mark Lecuona 6 years ago from Austin, Texas

      When you post something it's almost like a net you cast into the sea and you wonder who will be caught and a mermaid appeared! Thank you Nellieanna. I am but I have to control so much too.... I guess there is something else I wish to explore which this only hints at... but emotion is at the root of it...

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 6 years ago from TEXAS

      What an intriguing poem and peek inside your elements of being. I suspect that you needn't wish to be, though. . . you ARE.