ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Prose - Managed Rage

Updated on August 27, 2011
Source

I want to smile
Instead I brood
Guilt is my savior
Because what is left
But unrequited anger?
How can I disrupt
A child’s life
Ruin his mind
Make him afraid
By treating his mother unkind?
A calm that lies
A pretense that lives
Unable to explain
Why I live as I do
To avoid casting blame
As the water boils
Past my simmering eyes
I try so hard to forget
Who it is that lit the fire
Who it is that made me a threat
My resentments develop
Gold-diggers who chat
On the phone with twirled hair
The happy bubble
Living without a care
Their gold-plated husbands
With arrogant smirks
Pretending to love Jesus
Serving two masters
Money and Narcissus
But what does it matter
To the need to justify myself?
Why hate another
Because I cannot reach
My children’s mother?
This is what I have become
Judgemental
Sad
A loner
Unable to be glad
My inner-self
Clutching at life
Failing
Miserably
At relating
To my fellow man
Only seeing the worst
In everyone
While I express
Words to relieve frustration
As I live in the captivity
Of distance
From love
I wander my mind
Knowing what I am in search of
But unable to touch
Unable to become
Unable to solve
The riddle
Or to absolve
The hatred brewing
For myself
And my inability
To be a Father
Only fostering instability
In their childhood
To be learned
As they age
That life is not a dream
But of managed rage




Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • abradford55 profile image

      Adam Bradford 5 years ago from Howell,MI

      Very insightful, brings out the truth in the term. Great poem.

    • Wayne Brown profile image

      Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

      You really reach deep into an issue that one would almost have to live in to speak of it in such complexity. What you portray here in verse is a sad reality of everyday life for some in America...and you helped us to understand why with this work. Thanks much! WB

    • Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

      Jo_Goldsmith11 5 years ago

      A very poignant poem. I like the style in which you write, and the way you build on each sentence. It was moving and thought provoking. I voted up, because you did great work in telling one's pain about the importance of having a father in a childs life.

      I wish you well.

    • AUPADHYAY profile image

      ANIL KUMAR UPADHYAY 5 years ago from INDIA, UTTAR PRADESH STATE, KANPUR CITY

      memorable poem. penetrates deep in the heart. good hub.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      This one is personal. I'm sorry I had to write it. It's shows I am up against the wall at times with my feelings. But I'm alright....

      @abradford55 - Thank you. I'm just trying to show that I have to accept my children's puzzlement at times because I don't want to say bad things about a mother that they love too....

      @Wayne - Yeah it's tough. I always say there are a thousand moments that occur in private between couples that nobody knows about. You can't really describe it or the cumulative damage to your life. That's why I don't question folks about their marriage. They have to work it out and I have enough on my plate.

      @Jo_Goldsmith11 - Thank you. I try to write it so it's straight forward and real. I can't do it any other way I guess.

      @AUPADHYAY - Thank you. It is in my heart and I hope it reached you...

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 5 years ago

      "Alas and alack, don't be taken aback.

      I'm just a narcissistic necrophiliac.

      Sure I love Jesus and the American way,

      And God's going to smite you one day.

      I'm first class in all that I do,

      And Jesus loves me, but He can't stand you.

      You pray for peace!

      You'd better get some grease!

      I'm asking God to put a spell on you!

      And my God built the B-52!

      I can destroy all that you want to be.

      I'll take your child. I'll cut down your family tree.

      I can use weapons against you.

      But you know what they can do.

      So many ways to stick a stick in your eye.

      But I know ways to really make you cry.

      I can take your innocent child.

      I can make a small incision- that will drive you wild.

      I'll make lines between lies and truth so hazy,

      You'll look lazy, you'll look crazy.

      And there is nothing that you can do.

      God and I - put a spell on you."

      But is this "God" that helps the lie?

      Take your best shot. Yes - I hope to die.

      Maybe some day - in another land,

      there will be a better plan.

      When truth and love abound,

      we'll lift each other up - not push each other down.

      Perhaps there we'll make the greatest art,

      the mending of the shattered heart.

      Meanwhile - hold your line,

      rest your mind.

      Know that God or GOOD will overcome.

      We are not many, just some.

      We can read the writing on the wall.

      We know that evil will fall.

      Maybe not here - on this plain,

      but there will be an end to the rain.

      We're here - beside you.

      We know you. We walk with you.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      Damn Micky, if you just whipped that out I'm pretty impressed. See... writing something gives birth to something else... Maybe you ought to put that on your own hub. Thank you for understanding. I'm doing the best I can given the circumstances. Just trying to be a good Dad, pay the bills and trying to be nice to Mom.... It ain't easy sometimes... I truly appreciate you taking the time to put that poem on my hub.

      I like this line:

      "I can make a small incision- that will drive you wild.

      I'll make lines between lies and truth so hazy,"

      Damn if that doesn't describe it.... am I crazy?

    • ubanichijioke profile image

      Alexander Thandi Ubani 5 years ago from Lagos

      Thought provoking yet insightful in all aspect. A great use of words to pass an important message. Great work

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 5 years ago

      Yo brother man - I have hubs that are denied. I work hard. Pics, research, poems. I did just whip that out. I don't know where and how it all comes in and goes back out. You don't either. Words and feeling mesh and wind and blend together and pop goes the weasel. I want to see my brothers and sisters flourish. I also demand freedom of speech. It's all I have. So I'm not so keen on making money for the "owners". Enjoy. God bless us all.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @ubanichijioke - Thank you for commenting. It is an important message; the more I think about it the main challenge is not to put the children in the middle and force them to choose between parents....

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Micky - Bob Dylan supposedly said that as he got older he had to do consciously what he used to do sub-concsiously. But it looks like the channel still flow through you when you are prompted.... it's like "the pen does the writing." That is the gift right there....

    • Teylina profile image

      Teylina 5 years ago

      No "I'm sorry I had to write this" -- if you can't be yourself here, you're in big trouble! Micky Dee probably whipped that out in two minutes! I liked your lines about "unable to solve the riddle or absolve the hatred brewing" or close, and "clutching at life," but I nearly choked on whatever it was about your inability to be a father! Uh-huh. No way, man. Micky Dee said, "I want to see my brothers and sisters flourish" and he is basically as non-materialistic as I am from what I've read of his work (which I love), and being a father is so much more than paying the bills and child support and trying not to trash your children's mother. I'm not in your or Micky Dee's category, but I wrote something during a bad ptsd stint when I was pretty much feeling along the lines of hatred, but, after all, I've had many more years than you to get past it, and I ended it saying I was glad I had loved him (my horrid husband--son's father) for a little while. I'm not brilliant and it was a very good shrink who asked me the question many years ago when I was convinced I was failing miserably on the parenthood front. Some day, some way, I hope you can think of her that way--after all, no matter how rotten she is now, she must have had something good about her some time for you to love your children so much! And I can't imagine your feeling an inability to be a good father--that doesn't depend on time or money--just how you act/react/talk/play/teach/whatever-- may this weekend be a good one--if not one w/them, one just to help you heal. Take care, and read MD's poem again!

    • Kulsum Mehmood profile image

      Dr.Kulsum Mehmood 5 years ago from Nagpur, India

      A great poem. Thought provoking.

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Teylina - thank you for the encouragement. It guilt and anger is based around having to move out. I know my children wish I was there. But they also remember the tension so I had to leave. I see them weekly but I keep fighting this ghost of "what if" and there is some standard that I can't live up to so I beat myself up. Clearly I have negative feelings about my situation but I try not to let it consume my life. I like what you said about "act/react/talk/play/teach/whatever." I guess I have to take full advantage of my opportunities and continue to show them my support, pride and love. Thank you again....

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Kulsum - Thank you. There is much to think about when you are emotionally compromised. It never ends so you have to learn to live with it somehow. It is very difficult as my identity more and more is being defined in my own mind by the time I'm not there. I will see them this weekend so that will help everyone involved.

    • Teylina profile image

      Teylina 5 years ago

      So glad you'll be with them this weekend. Don't ever let the times you do have get away from you! Take advantage of what you do have; believe me, some day they'll "get it." And, in case it hasn't occurred to you yet (too soon), some day, you'll be able to grin at yourself in the mirror and say, "By god, it was a bitch and it was hard; but I did it right." There's a certain self-satisfaction in knowing our kids find out the truth about each parent w/o the other telling them! Sorry. Didn't mean to start dishing out advice! My own never took it, except for this--hah! And it's worked for the most part--not sure any of us has been always able to "control" the anger--just have to let go elsewhere!

    • profile image

      Lady_Tenaz 5 years ago

      Hello my friend, I just stopped in to read some of my dearest buddies poems. This was very thought provoking! I miss reading all your poetry. I think I am going to be on here more often. :-) JJ

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Teylina - Well I spent a lot of time with them; especially my daughter (she came with me to our company picnic). It was great... she is just all hugs and my boss even told me he saw her mimicking the way I stand so she's listening to my channel. My son was chilling out but I had to sit through some tension between he and his mother. I quietly tried to get him to do what she wanted but it was tough (she wanted him to go to the store with her) because he said it would take four hours because she talks to much with everyone. I just sat there and remembered similar comments from myself long ago. I sent him an email this morning about trying to work through it all and not let it spoil his day.

      @Lady_Tenaz - Hey! Long time no see! Thank you for commenting. Yeah I'm a bit pissed at times... trying to be "Mr. Happy" but it's a challenge...

    • Teylina profile image

      Teylina 5 years ago

      Hey, buddy, we're all a bit pissed at times; no point in trying to bluff it ALL the time -- just let go w/a good rant! Believe me, there's enough of us who'll sympathize! Doncha hate those awkward times? Love hearing "she is just all hugs..."

    • The Suburban Poet profile image
      Author

      The Suburban Poet 5 years ago from Austin, Texas

      @Teylina - she is all hugs... when I'm with her everything is worth it....

    Click to Rate This Article