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If Vegetables Could Talk, What Would they Say?
What if veggies could communicate?
Chunks of my life have been spent as a vegetarian or a vegan, and I'm now an "ova-pescatarian" (look it up), so it shouldn't be surprising to learn I have a really intense relationship with vegetables. If talking to pot plants can help them grow, then communing with cauliflower should keep it fresher in the frig’s produce bin...right?
That’s how this whole crazy thing began. I started talking to my veggies, simply trying to assure their freshness. How was I to know that they would answer back?
No, I don’t get audible answers from the squash and tomatoes. Instead, they send ESP messages straight to my mind. This is a silent dialogue, but very powerful all the same.
It’s very similar to the mind-to-mind “transmissions” that take place between pet psychics and animals. The pet transmits its thoughts, and the pet psychic picks them up, as though with a special antenna, and can tell the pet parent what the cat wants or what is worrying the dog.
In my situation with veggies, it is they who are psychic, not I. However, I must have a certain amount of natural psychic power to pick up what they’re telling me, so I guess you could call me the Veggie Whisperer. Hey! That sounds pretty good....(M-m-m-m-m....I wonder if that title might get me an agent?)
Some of the things I’ve learned from veggies have been surprising. No, they actually don’t mind becoming part of a soup or stir-fry. In fact, the veggies I’ve chosen to bring into my home are willing to make the supreme sacrifice in order to sate my appetite and keep my cholesterol level normal. (They're hoping for more weight loss, too. I'll try not to disappoint them.) Sometimes I pick up ESP chants emanating from the potato bin and floating through the kitchen.
“No animal fat! No animal fat! A ban on animal fat! Up with lettuce and tomatoes!”
The chanting is quite catchy, and it's very heartening to know my veggies support a diet based on treasures from the garden.
I’ve also discovered through channeling zucchini that some veggies don’t get along with each other. Handling that situation is akin to planning the seating at a dinner party. You don’t want to mix zucchini with artichokes if you know in advance they won’t blend well. The end result of that combination would be heartburn (for me, that is). If there's one thing I learned from the late (great) Nora Ephron, it's the danger of Heartburn.
Although I’ve mentally digested so much through ESP communication with my psychic veggies, and it’s a truly amazing experience, I’ve been reluctant to share this news with the world. I can imagine being asked to go on a talk show carrying a basket of spinach, eggplant and onions. I’ve actually visualized what would happen. The host's eyes would widen as I listen to the veggies, and then those eyes would tear up when I talk to the studio audience about veggies' deep desire for the whole world's population to become vegetarian or vegan.
Can you imagine the thunderous audience applause when I announce that spinach and eggplants blame onions for the flatulence that follows when these veggies are layered together in a casserole, with olive oil drizzled over the top and the whole thing baked for 30 minutes? (This fact may cause some people to stop eating onions, but I won't be one of them.)
Still, this is critical information for people who are dating, attending a special event, running for political office or going on a talk show. No matter how much you like onions, it isn’t “onion breath” you need to worry about later!
This thing could be really BIG! Maybe I could get a weekly syndicated column reporting things my veggies and fruits tell me. There's a limit to what I can tell, however. Some communications are confided to me in confidence, and I've pledged not to betray their trust. No media contract is worth being a traitor to my produce!
I’d write a book about it, but so many different types of vegetables have gotten in on the act it would be difficult to pare (pun intended) them down and profile only a dozen specific edible plants. No publisher is likely to take a book containing anecdotes about every single veggie in the garden. The book would be too massive to pick up! Imagine an opus the size of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking (which was rejected for its size before the author finally found a publisher), and you'll understand what I mean.
Anyway, I feel honor-bound to protect my veggie friends from the sharp scrutiny of the media. It's a professional ethic that comes with the territory of Veggie Whisperer.) Can you imagine me on a book tour lugging a refrigerated bag of assorted vegetables to demonstrate my veggie whisperer skills...channeling sweet potatoes and corn on the cob to a standing-room-only crowd? Not for me, and certainly too much excitement for my veggies. The stress alone (not to mention the travel) would likely make their flavor go bad...or cause premature wilting.
So...I’ve decided to keep this all to myself, except for sharing it with those of you reading these words. I'm confident you’ll keep my secret and protect my sources.
After all...we wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m weird. Would we?
Cruciferous veggies are sensitive to jokes about them causing gas!
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© 2011 Jaye Denman