Pun Stories by Lori: Dear Andy Goes to Church
Welcome to Andy's advice column where weirdos and eccentrics seek wisdom and answers to their problems. Andy's letters are full of church and faith terminology this week. Boy, are these tough issues. We hope you will enjoy reading and perhaps find something useful for yourself.
Grandparents Get a Big Surprise
My husband turned sixty a few months ago and was depressed because he was Sacred he'd be "put out to Pastor." I told him to quit Wining or call his Manna and cry on her shoulder. He was Incensed that I would be so Chaliced to his feelings. I thought better of my remarks and my attitude and apologized. We kissed and made up.
Then something weird happened. I felt strange so I went to the doctor. He took some tests and called and said "The Rabbi died, You're pregnant." I'm a fifty-nine-year-old grandmother. My husband and I haven't practiced birth control Methodists for years. Well, this perked my husband up. It proved he still Habits as a man. I, on the other hand, am aPauled that my Abomination is growing bigger and bigger. The Altarsound showed Twins. A boy and a girl. Isaactly what I feared had come true. I am beyond aNoahed.
Hubby's been thinking up names - Rosary for the girl, and Usher (after the R&B singer), or Deacon for the boy. I want Celestial or Eternity for the girl, and Herald or Shepherd for the boy. Now we're fighting over names. I'm so miserable I feel like I'm going to Parish. I'm just not looking forward to being a Mother again. I put my time in already. I don't know what to do.
Need Psalm Peace
Andy's Answer to Need Psalm Peace
Dear Need Psalm Peace,
A surprise Revelation indeed. It's the Proverbial occurrence of menopause pregnancy. As a young new dad, I love my Father and Son time so it's hard to have Preceptive for an answer for you. I would say, and this may sound weird, talk to your babies. Rub your belly to give them affection. Read to them. Perhaps your hubby can join in. I think that will more than warm you up to the idea.
Man With Cancer Robbed
I am battling Protestant cancer. The Preachments are pretty intense and it's now affecting my work as assistant Manger of a five Star hotel called Three Kings Inn. The hotel is doing quite well and turning a good Prophet. Yesterday I was called down to the desk to deal with an irate Cuple upset because we had No Room at the Inn. They looked like hobos, with Holy pants, Oily hair, and Pew, did they stink. He introduced himself and his wife as Jesus(prononced hay-soos) and Mary Gonzales. He pulled out a ten Collar bill. I told him that we charge one hundred Collars for the smallest room and we still had no rooms available. He began pitching fit and acting quite Apostleble. My energy finally Petered out and I gave up and told them they could sleep in my office for free. They were desperately in need.
"Where is the John?" Jesus asked when we got into my office. I told them it was down the hall. Mary thanked me and headed down that way. "Wafer me," Jesus said. Just then I collapsed. Jesus came to help me. "Goliath down," he said, leading me to the couch in my office. I was very Confuscious and disoriented. Next thing I knew I was waking up lying on the floor with a Massive headache in my Temples. My mouth and body were bound with tape. Colorful sticky notes Adored my body. My empty wallet lay on the floor next to me. When the maid came in to clean, she unwrapped me and called 9-1-1. I had to Swaddle my pride and give a report.
Jesus took my last five hundred bucks. Now I have no co-pay cash for the Pillars I need at the pharmacy. On top of that, all my inVestments went south and I'm pretty broke. The police never found Jesus and Mary. Armageddon more and more discouraged. Can you give me a word of hope?
Andy's Answer to Matthew Bishop
Dear Matthew Bishop,
I am so sorry for your misfortune. Let me encourage you, you are not Atone. Seek caring support from friends and family. Perhaps you can also join a support group for cancer patients. Don't be Sheepish, take courage.
I have a family member who had Protestant cancer and beat it. It can happen to you as well.
Man Laments the Way People Treat Him
I am often told I AM an idiot, a Mormon, So-dom it's ridiculous, Ruthless, a lazy no-a-Fount who is way too idol. Maybe this shouldn't Martyr to me, but it makes me Verily Sadd-u-cee. I think I AM Prodigally the nicest person you'd ever want to Meek. I am Justice nice as anyone else. Not Prefect. Just Ordainary.
Here are the facts:
- I am an airplane Pilate
- I work in the Garden
- I play Sainta every Christmas Eve.
- I like to Rite horseback - "Yee haw, Gideon up, Heresy."
- I drive a 2004 Toyota Zion. It's not a stick but an Immanuel drive. Its Transfiguration broke the other day. I was really mad because that mechanic, Egypt me out of a lot of money. I Herodly have any money in the bank now.
I Adamit I have a few odd Abbots. I Blow my own Horn from time to time, but Hay, who doesn't? And yes, I'm a bit of a smart-aleck, but I only mean things Tongues in cheek. Sometimes it's the Other Cheek. I am often late for appOintments, but I make up for it by doing random Acts of Kindness.
I was talking to my Cistern Bethany the other day. She said my political views are Arkaic. Who is she to talk? She still wears Fishnet stockings. And my sloppy brother, who lives in My Father's House, makes such a Messiah can hardly stand to be there. My Father, Art, is now in Heaven. I still miss his greetings - "Hallowed, Son." My Mother thinks she's Superior to me. But she spends her days drinking Infidel wine with tomato Jews. Gross. I've Jezebel had it with her. She needs to go to Rahab. But I guess it's really Nun of my business.
Andy, do you think I am as pathetic as everyone says? All this is starting to affect my self-Redeem. I guess I'm Hindu self-pity.
Vexed and Cross
Andy's Answer to Vexed and Cross
Dear Vexed and Cross,
You don't need my Perdition to be sad and angry. But beware, self-pity and bitterness are self-destructive. It seems that your family dynamics are in poor shape. That is unfortunate. Here's what I suggest:
- Find a quiet place to examine yourself honestly. Perhaps Lie down in Green Pastures or Beside Still Waters.
- Don't Glory in your accomplishments. Exorsisting Humility and gratitude are the only way to live in peace.
- When you recognize a fault or weakness, rAbsolve yourself to change.
- You mentioned kindness, that is a great virtue. Keep growing in that area.
- Meditate Day and Night on Good.
- Don't Trespass on other people's business.
- Set positive Goads for yourself and work hard to reach them.
- Don't find your value in what others think as long as you are sure you are doing right.
I wish you all the blesst, sir.
Whew. I've never experienced church like the one Andy was in this week. I admire Andy's honesty, compassion, patience, and directness. I would like to be more like him.
I hope you'll return at the next Dear Andy advice column. We all need a bit of levity and perspective in this crazy world. Blessings to you all.
Who do you feel the most sorry for?
© 2019 Lori Colbo