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Quotations for Laughs #63 --- Preachers (Ministers)

Updated on March 8, 2011

Preachers (Ministers) Jokes (Set No. 2)

All the coughs a preacher hears during his sermon aren’t colds–sometimes they’re time signals.

—Richard W. Rowland, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 27, 1953.

The one who does not go to church because he does not like the preacher, if like the man who refuses to go to dinner because he does not like the cook.

Zion's Herald, Boston, Mass., April 2, 1902.

With preaching or playing baseball it doesn't make much difference how many bases you touch if you don't hit home.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 17, 1960.

A holy roller: A preacher who shoots dice.

—Mark Much, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 21, 1965.

Preacher's prayer: "May my congregation be as free with money as they are with advice, and their minds be as open as their mouths."

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 13, 1970.

Preachers are the only people who talk in other people's sleep.

Teton Valley News, Driggs, Idaho, Sept. 23, 1943.

A good sermon is the one where a man thinks the preacher was talking about another.

—Carey Williams, Beaumont Enterprise, Beaumont, Texas, Oct. 25, 1962.

God doesn’t ask for preachers for the harvest–but laborers.

—H.B. Dean, Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., March 31, 1955.

"Second wind" is what some preachers get when they say, "Now in conclusion."

The Gospel Observer, Ashland, Ky, April 28, 1996.

We heard of a preacher who wished most of his Easter congregation a happy new year.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, May 3, 1952.

There’s two doors in churches–one where people are preached in and one where they’re preached out.

—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American-Press, Lake Charles, La., June 7, 1929.

A preacher asked his congregation how many had read the 69th chapter of Matthew. Quite a scattering of hands went up. The preacher sadly reported that there is no such chapter, and proceeded to preach a sermon on white lies.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, July 14, 1951.

A country preacher, asked if it were a sin for an average American family to own two cars and a boat, replied: “It would depend on where they were parked on Sunday morning.”

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Sept. 2, 1972.

Careless preacher: He talked an hour on hell and then asked for a donation for a new heating system.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Oct. 7, 1944.

There is always a great awakening when a preacher finishes a sermon.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Oct. 25, 1952.

Clergyman: One who wants the world to have its faith lifted.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Feb. 3, 1964.

The fellow who goes to sleep in church merely has a nodding acquaintance with the clergyman.

Philadelphia Record, Philadelphia, Pa., July 21, 1900.

She was only the minister’s daughter, but she knew how to put you on your best behavior.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Aug. 26, 1965.

Some speakers should put more fire into their speeches; others should put more of their speeches into the fire.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., May 24, 1973.

Transformer: A successful evangelist.

—Hubert Carver, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 9, 1972.

Hear about the nun who gave up her calling? Got out of the habit.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Aug. 9, 1967.

An evangelist said there are 726 sins. He is getting requests for that list from people who think they must be missing something.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Jan. 19, 1952.

You can figure on a wild reception if the best man at the wedding is the minister.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Sept. 18, 1980.

Roaming evangelist: Traveling soulsman.

—Daisy Brown, quoted in Wall Street Journal, New York, N.Y., March 9, 1970.

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