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Quotations for Laughs #12 --- Lawyers & Juries

Updated on March 8, 2011

Humor about Lawyers and Juries

Slip of tongue: An attorney in court, quizzing a prospective juror, "Have you or any of your relatives ever been killed in an automobile accident?"

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., March 10, 1968.

A popular competitive event might be pitting a divorce lawyer against a criminal lawyer to see which could outjaw the other.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Nov. 17, 1961.

You can always tell a successful lawyer. He has a suit for every day in the week.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, May 29, 1949.

The average person is torn between his doctor telling him not to worry, and his lawyer telling him he ought to have a will.

—Gene Brown, Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Sarasota, Fla., Dec. 16, 1963.

Jury: Twelve people who decide which lawyer won the fight.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Jan. 27, 1936.

Experience is the best teacher, but getting arrested is no way to study law.

The Daily Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., May 29, 1927.

Have you noticed how a judge always stands on his dignity while sitting on a case?

—Harold Coffin, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Sept. 11, 1966.

A Supreme Court judge, we learn, can't officiate at weddings. That's probably because getting married isn't a federal offense.

—Hugh Allen, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 17, 1963.

If Darwin were here today the monkeys would likely sue him for slander.

—Nat Campbell, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Oct. 14, 1959.

Don’t call yourself an honest man if you’ve got to go to court to prove it.

—D.A. Brown, Salt Lake Herald, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 1, 1908.

People who take the law into their own hands haven't taken the law into their own heads.

—Jack Haney, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, La., March 22, 1926.

If a cop's an arm-of-the-law, a district attorney's the jaw-of-the-law.

—Samuel Shlien, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 25, 1956.

There is a law against concealed weapons and still folks continue to let their tongues wag.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Dec. 26, 1928.

Truth: The longest distance between two lawyers.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Dec. 20, 1964.

Lawyers get more for divorcing folks than ministers get for marrying them.

—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., Dec. 4, 1944.

When you ask a woman if she is happily married, she sometimes has to call up her lawyer to find out.

—Helen Rowland, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., March 27, 1929.

The guy who yells the loudest for law and order is the first to want out from jury duty.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., May 24, 1970.

Treat everybody kindly. You never know who may be on the jury some day.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Nov. 30, 1961.

When the jury is hung, the prisoner isn't.

—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American-Press, Lake Charles, La., Sept. 28, 1926.

It's the duty of the grand jury to bare false witness.

—Joan I. Welsh, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., April 4, 1970.

Jury duty is a trying experience.

—Ted Romaine, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Nov. 8, 1969.

Baseball players and lawyers differ. Lawyers like to sit on the bench.

St. Petersburg Times, St. Petersburg, Fla., June 4, 1922.

According to court records, marriage is the only life sentence that is suspended for bad behavior.

—Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Nov. 22, 1930.

They say talk is cheap, but try paying for a libel suit!

—Roy L. Smith, Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Nov. 6, 1941.

Crowbar: A divorce lawyer.

—Roy K. Moulton, St. Petersburg Times, St. Petersburg, Fla., May 30, 1922.


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