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Quotations for Laughs #17 --- Basketball

Updated on March 8, 2011

Basketball Humor

We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all of our games are played indoors.

—Weldon Drew, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., Jan. 18, 1982.

Everyone likes to see a fellow whistle while he works–unless he's a basketball referee.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 7, 1957.

Officiating is the only occupation in the world where the highest accolade is silence.

—Earl Strom, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., June 13, 1977.

You have to be respectful when arguing with an official. I usually say, "Sir, are we watching the same game?"

—Homer Smith, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., Nov. 4, 1974.

“I could star in this game,” said the basketball candidate, “if Dr. Naismith had gotten the idea from a bushel basket instead of a peach basket.”

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 22, 1927.

So many fights occur in basketball now that there's a move to change from quarters to rounds.

—Tom Ethridge, Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Feb. 26, 1973.

The only thing that counts in basketball is the net result.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Dec. 7, 1929.

Although he may have been tall enough, Abe Lincoln might have had trouble as a basketball player. Could anyone of his widely known honesty have feigned innocence after committing a foul?

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Nov. 15, 1968.

It would have been nice if Abe Lincoln could have had a college basketball scholarship, but suppose he had decided to turn pro instead of going into politics?

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Aug. 24, 1968.

Basketball: A game in which the players hoop for the best.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 2, 1964.

Health hints for players–Avoid if possible any inclination you may have to kick a referee in the face.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 8, 1924.

It’s a smart basketball player who realizes a relief role is better than a relief roll.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, April 7, 1948.

You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time–and any basketball official will go along with that idea.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, Feb. 18, 1948.

Rough basketball: The rule was "No autopsy, no foul."

—Stewart Granger, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., April 4, 1983.

There was a college basketball player so tall he needed two desks so he could sleep in class.

—Hal Holbrook, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 9, 1961.

[Girls' basketball coach's comments:]

We play a man-to-man defense. Person-to-person sounds like a phone call.

—Vincent Tralka, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., March 19, 1979.

Basketball players and other athletes are numbered for easy identification. Why not people in other forms of activity?

—Parke Cummings, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Feb. 15, 1959.

Basketball: A game that’s won or lost by a drop in the bucket.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 1, 1958.

Some folks imagine the three "R's" of our educational process have been switched over to be: "Rah, rah, rah!"

—W.P. Ball, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., Nov. 23, 1937.

The young man who married a cheerleader found her cries of "Charge!" exciting, but didn't realize she was adopting it as a lifetime slogan.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Dec. 19, 1966.

Being the under dog has some recompense–it gets the sympathy of those who do not think much.

—Edwin E. Naugle, St. Petersburg Times, St. Petersburg, Fla., Oct. 16, 1921.

They threw up enough bricks during warmups to build a condominium.

—Bill Foster, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., Dec. 2, 1985.

Another example of marvelous equilibrium is a basketball player standing on his past record.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 17, 1939.

In basketball a forward is never successful if inclined to be backward.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, Feb. 4, 1925.

We formed a booster club, but by the end of the season, it had turned into a terrorist group.

—Frank Layden, Sports Illustrated, Chicago, Ill., July 4, 1983.

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