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Quotations for Laughs #19 --- Doctors
A diplomatic doctor never tells a woman she will be looking her old self again.
—Frances Rodman, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, Dec. 28, 1954.
To be admitted to the hospital these days, you need a doctor, a co-singer, four references and a credit card.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Sept. 1, 1967.
An oral surgeon is a doctor who talks a good operation.
—Sid Slate, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 8, 1952.
Doctors rarely make a distinction in the treatment of headaches. A swelled headache and a common headache are much the same to them.
—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Dec. 20, 1940.
For ruining a whole day, there’s nothing like having some young doctor tell you, “Well, that’s the sort of thing you have to expect at your age.”
—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., May 22, 1958.
The doctor who tried to steal another doctor’s patients was sued for alienation of infection.
—Ray Sackett, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Oct. 31, 1967.
Doctor: The one man required by law to know all about women.
—Tuscaloosa News, Tuscaloosa, Ala., Dec. 2, 1952.
The average person is torn between his doctor telling him not to worry, and his lawyer telling him he ought to have a will.
—Gene Brown, Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Sarasota, Fla., Dec. 16, 1963.
If you think time heals everything, try sitting it out in a doctor’s office.
—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Dec. 8, 1969.
Specialist: A physician who has trained his patients to be sick during office hours.
—Conrad Fiorello, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., June 17, 1973.
Transplant surgeon: an interior redecorator.
—Harold Coffin, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 12, 1969.
Doctors had better not tell their patients they're as "sound as a dollar." The patients might faint dead away with the shock.
—Air Force Times, Washington, D.C., June 19, 1968.
A wife whose husband hasn’t been himself lately is trying to get the doctor to give her a prescription to keep him that way.
—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Jan. 13, 1972.
Why is it that when a woman tells a doctor she is all tired out, he immediately looks at her tongue?
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 27, 1956.
According to a doctor, pain strikes the body at its weakest point. Headaches are very common.
—Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Feb. 22, 1956.
A person never realizes how deeply indebted he is to the medical profession until he receives the doctor’s bill.
—O.A. Battista, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., July 19, 1959.
Doctor–A man who puts you on your feet and then keeps you on the run trying to pay him.
—Jack Haney, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, La., July 25, 1927.
An operation is something that took a doctor an hour to perform–and the patient years to describe.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 6, 1964.
You ever notice how hard it is to read a doctor's prescription? And how easy it is to read his bill?
—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Sept. 23, 1970.
Some persons assert that faith cure is false doctorin’.
—Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 19, 1910.
You’ve reached middle age when a doctor tells you to slow down instead of a traffic cop.
—Gladys Burr, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Sept. 20, 1964.
When the doctor tells you to keep your weight down, he doesn't mean around your hips.
—Tony Pettito, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 16, 1954.
My doctor said my wife and I needed exercise. So I bought golf clubs for myself and a lawn mower for her.
—Jack Herbert, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 7, 1962.
Golfer’s alibi for neglecting business: “The doctor says I must take my iron every day.”
—The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Jan. 15, 1932.
A baseball umpire suffering from constant headaches consulted a doctor. Naturally he was given a complete work-up.
The doctor then said to him, "You need glasses."
Immediately the umpire jumped to his feet, jerked his thumb and shouted: "You're out of the game, wise guy, and what's more, it'll cost you a hundred bucks!"
—Sammy Walsh, Parade, New York, N.Y., Feb. 11, 1962.