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Quotations for Laughs #26 --- Horses

Updated on March 8, 2011

Horse Jokes

Bronchitis: What you have the day after riding a bronco.

Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., April 21, 1942.

The main difference between a horse race and a political race is that in a horse race the entire horse wins.

Harlem News, Harlem, Mont., Aug. 29, 1952.

There is nothing like the first horseback ride to make a person feel better off.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 18, 1964.

Detail: North end of a horse going south.

—R.K. Dee, Tampa Sunday Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 18, 1942.

Install: Where the horse is.

Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 29, 1942.

Stirrups: A horse’s garters.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Feb. 5, 1964.

Harness: A horse’s girdle.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, March 4, 1958.

Nightmare: A horse that works the night shift.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Jan. 11, 1958.

Horse race: Something that begins at the moment of the spur.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, April 8, 1964.

Angry farmer: “See, here, that horse you sold me dropped dead.”

Dealer: “Can’t help that, sir. He never did that while I had him.”

—Floyd W. Casebolt, The Ennis Daily News, Ennis, Texas, April 18, 1962.

Horse: When your voice almost isn't.

—Eleanor E. Rogers, Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 24, 1942.

Ideal dumbbell: The guy who thought they scratched race horses because they itched.

—John P. Medbury, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 31, 1928.

I've got a sure system to beat the races–pick a horse with a sensitive nose and a jockey with halitosis!

—Oscar Carter, Parade, New York, N.Y., July 1, 1962.

A cowboy who breaks in female horses: A fillybuster.

—Clinton Anderson, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 3, 1955.

About not changing horses in the middle of the stream, did anybody ever think about not getting into the stream in the first place?

—Lewis T. Nordyke, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Nov. 10, 1950.

The trouble with a husband who works like a horse is that all he wants to do evenings is hit the hay.

—A.J. Kelly, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Aug. 16, 1951.

About the only advantage a horse has is that he doesn't have to take off his shoes when he goes to bed.

Salt Lake Mining Review, Salt Lake City, Utah, Dec. 15, 1922.

When you're going for a ride, never choose a horse that is too polite. That just happened to me. Before he jumped a fence, he stopped so I could go first.

—Robert Lamoureaux, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 24, 1957.

Horse: An animal that sleeps standing up, particularly when you place a bet on him.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Jan. 12, 1964.

The automobile has had a profound effect upon modern morals, having practically eliminated horse stealing.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, Dec. 9, 1947.

You can double your money on a horse by folding it and putting it under the saddle.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Nov. 29, 1965.

It can be truly said that a horse in a mile run moves only four feet.

The Christian Science Monitor, Boston, Mass., Sept. 15, 1926.

Racetrack: A place where phonies bet on ponies.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 27, 1958.

A race horse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 24, 1960.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth and never get too familiar with the rear hoof of any kind of mule.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, May 11, 1926.

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