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Quotations for Laughs #35 --- Wedding Ceremonies

Updated on March 8, 2011

Wedding Ceremony Jokes

Wedding–A ceremony at which a man loses his bachelor's degree and a woman wins her master's.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Oct. 13, 1955.

Marriage: The ceremony that authorizes a woman to take a man and remodel him.

Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Oct. 5, 1935.

Guest at wedding reception: “Are you the bridegroom?”

Young man: “No ma’am. I was eliminated in the semifinals.”

—Floyd W. Casebolt, The Ennis Daily News, Ennis, Texas, April 18, 1962.

The wedding is a ceremony that takes place right after he stops calling her up and right before she starts calling him down.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., April 2, 1935.

Wedding–A ceremony that takes place when a man can't afford to go steady with a girl any longer.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, March 25, 1955.

When a woman cries at a wedding, she can never be quite sure whether she is weeping with joy, envy, sympathy or foreboding.

—Helen Rowland, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., Nov. 26, 1937.

Some couples get married so fast they hardly know each other. Instead of the wedding march, the band plays "Strangers in the Night."

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 31, 1967.

A wedding usually means showers for the bride and curtains for the groom.

—Floyd R. Miller, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, March 5, 1957.

Wedding–A ceremony at which a bridegroom realizes for the first time how unimportant he is.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Sept. 17, 1955.

A father is a person who forks over a thousand dollars for his daughter's wedding and then reads in the paper that he gave her away.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., June 1, 1973.

Las Vegas: Place with all kinds of gambling devices . . . crap tables . . . slot machines . . . wedding chapels . . .

—Chuck Norman, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Jan. 10, 1967.

You can figure on a wild reception if the best man at the wedding is the minister.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Sept. 18, 1980.

Wedding–A ceremony before which a man yearns for a woman and after which the y is silent.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Oct. 7, 1954.

After paying for a wedding, about the only thing a father has left to give away is the bride.

—Charles Ruffing, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 1956.

Marriage vows should be changed to “Till debt do us part.”

—Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 16, 1931.

A Supreme Court judge, we learn, can't officiate at weddings. That's probably because getting married isn't a federal offense.

—Hugh Allen, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 17, 1963.

Have you ever noticed that at most weddings, the bride looks stunning, and the groom just stunned.

—Bobby Short, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 6, 1969.

Women cry at weddings because they're either married or not married.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Aug. 19, 1973.

A wedding is a funeral where you can smell your own flowers.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Aug. 26, 1930.

Shotgun wedding: Troth or consequences.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, March 14, 1950.

Shotgun wedding: A matter of wife or death.

—Toni Arden, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 23, 1953.

A shot-gun wedding is usually an “I do”-or-die affair.

—Buddy Hackett, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., March 5, 1955.

A fashionable wedding is where the father sticks a rose in the barrel of his shotgun.

Hi-court, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., April 6, 1952.

Maybe the reason so many married folks don't stay tied is because the wedding is always said to "go without a hitch."

—Ivy Clough Johnson, The Leesburg Morning Commercial, Leesburg, Fla., June 8, 1927.

A wedding ceremony is where a man loses control of himself.

—Walter Cronkite, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 3, 1956.

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