Quotations for Laughs #40 --- Restaurants
Sign at a fried chicken carry-out restaurant: “We Fry Harder.”
—Seymour Rosenberg, Spartanburg Herald, Spartanburg, S.C., Sept. 25, 1974.
A hick town is a place where the tourist can locate a restaurant by listening for the buzz of flies.
—Robert Quillen, San Jose Evening News, San Jose, Calif., July 18, 1930.
On the door of a small restaurant: “Closed for one week. Fishing-pox.”
—Illinois Wesleyan Argus, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 16, 1948.
A sure bet: The guy carefully checking the tab in a restaurant is with his wife.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 9, 1972.
To save money on a date, always ask your girl just before going into a restaurant whether she hasn't been putting on weight.
—Bob Hawk, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 22, 1952.
A restaurant on Wall Street is so fancy that the hash is referred to as a conglomerate.
—Conrad Fiorello, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., May 21, 1972.
A newlywed couple shouldn't expect those first few meals to be perfect. After all, it takes time to find the right restaurant.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 23, 1964.
My favorite restaurant hires only married men--they're better at taking orders.
—Lon Ritchie, Parade, New York, N.Y., July 12, 1970.
When your wife says she's gonna surprise you with dinner, it may mean that she's found a new restaurant.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 8, 1960.
How to get fast service in a restaurant: Look at your watch and ask the waiter how long it takes to get to the airport.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., May 2, 1976.
Food poisoning in a Chinese restaurant: a case of wonton negligence.
—Jack Kraus, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Aug. 20, 1967.
I want to warn you about those restaurants that offer all you can eat. I went into one, took one bite, and that's all I could eat.
—Dick Cavett, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 5, 1970.
A certain restaurant is good for my diet. One look at the prices and I lose my appetite.
—Peter Arnell, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 22, 1953.
How to make a hamburger taste better in a restaurant: Check the price of steak.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 27, 1974.
Have you noticed in most restaurants today, the food is frozen and the help is fresh?
—Robert Orben, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 2, 1967.
Some people never know what to eat in a restaurant until whoever's next to them orders.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., July 18, 1976.
Any person can tell you–all you have to do to make a child hungry is to take him to an expensive restaurant.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 1, 1963.
Restaurant: Where they braise the ham and pass the malnutrition.
—Paul H. Gilbert, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, June 6, 1946.
The Don Mendells and their son Steve, age four, were dining at the restaurant. When finger bowls were served, Mrs. Mendell squeezed her lemon into the hot water. So did Steve, who drank it down and made a face. "Why," he asked, "do they have hot lemonade?"
—George Fuermann, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 16, 1959.
A modern wife is one who knows exactly what her husband's favorite dishes are–and the restaurant that serves 'em.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Aug. 28, 1966.
My definition of happiness is a husband who likes to eat in restaurants.
—Joan Rivers, Parade, New York, N.Y., Aug. 11, 1968.
The worst dawdlers in restaurants: The same people who groused the longest waiting for a table.
—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Sept. 14, 1969.
Sign in window of restaurant: “Try our home-cooked pastry. You’ll never live to regret it.”
—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 9, 1948.
Sign at a roadside restaurant: "None of our sirloins is ever a mis-steak."
—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Feb. 6, 1972.
Restaurant sign: "STOP! For Pizza's Sake!"
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 22, 1957.