ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Quotations for Laughs #40 --- Restaurants

Updated on March 8, 2011

Restaurant Jokes

Sign at a fried chicken carry-out restaurant: “We Fry Harder.”

—Seymour Rosenberg, Spartanburg Herald, Spartanburg, S.C., Sept. 25, 1974.

A hick town is a place where the tourist can locate a restaurant by listening for the buzz of flies.

—Robert Quillen, San Jose Evening News, San Jose, Calif., July 18, 1930.

On the door of a small restaurant: “Closed for one week. Fishing-pox.”

Illinois Wesleyan Argus, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 16, 1948.

A sure bet: The guy carefully checking the tab in a restaurant is with his wife.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 9, 1972.

To save money on a date, always ask your girl just before going into a restaurant whether she hasn't been putting on weight.

—Bob Hawk, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 22, 1952.

A restaurant on Wall Street is so fancy that the hash is referred to as a conglomerate.

—Conrad Fiorello, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., May 21, 1972.

A newlywed couple shouldn't expect those first few meals to be perfect. After all, it takes time to find the right restaurant.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, June 23, 1964.

My favorite restaurant hires only married men--they're better at taking orders.

—Lon Ritchie, Parade, New York, N.Y., July 12, 1970.

When your wife says she's gonna surprise you with dinner, it may mean that she's found a new restaurant.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 8, 1960.

How to get fast service in a restaurant: Look at your watch and ask the waiter how long it takes to get to the airport.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., May 2, 1976.

Food poisoning in a Chinese restaurant: a case of wonton negligence.

—Jack Kraus, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Aug. 20, 1967.

I want to warn you about those restaurants that offer all you can eat. I went into one, took one bite, and that's all I could eat.

—Dick Cavett, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 5, 1970.

A certain restaurant is good for my diet. One look at the prices and I lose my appetite.

—Peter Arnell, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Jan. 22, 1953.

How to make a hamburger taste better in a restaurant: Check the price of steak.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 27, 1974.

Have you noticed in most restaurants today, the food is frozen and the help is fresh?

—Robert Orben, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 2, 1967.

Some people never know what to eat in a restaurant until whoever's next to them orders.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., July 18, 1976.

Any person can tell you–all you have to do to make a child hungry is to take him to an expensive restaurant.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 1, 1963.

Restaurant: Where they braise the ham and pass the malnutrition.

—Paul H. Gilbert, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, June 6, 1946.

The Don Mendells and their son Steve, age four, were dining at the restaurant. When finger bowls were served, Mrs. Mendell squeezed her lemon into the hot water. So did Steve, who drank it down and made a face. "Why," he asked, "do they have hot lemonade?"

—George Fuermann, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 16, 1959.

A modern wife is one who knows exactly what her husband's favorite dishes are–and the restaurant that serves 'em.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Aug. 28, 1966.

My definition of happiness is a husband who likes to eat in restaurants.

—Joan Rivers, Parade, New York, N.Y., Aug. 11, 1968.

The worst dawdlers in restaurants: The same people who groused the longest waiting for a table.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Sept. 14, 1969.

Sign in window of restaurant: “Try our home-cooked pastry. You’ll never live to regret it.”

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 9, 1948.

Sign at a roadside restaurant: "None of our sirloins is ever a mis-steak."

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Feb. 6, 1972.

Restaurant sign: "STOP! For Pizza's Sake!"

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 22, 1957.

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • Mochan profile image

    Morgan Garcia 

    7 years ago from Texas

    LOL Will have to use some of these for my tweets! Thanks for the hub!

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)