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Quotations for Laughs #41 --- Food

Updated on March 8, 2011

Food Definitions (Set No. 1)

Waffles: Pancakes with a retread.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Jan. 3, 1944.

Waffle–A non-skid pancake.

Parade of Youth, New York, N.Y., April 24, 1937.

Waffles–pancakes with a bad case of hives.

—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Aug. 3, 1958.

Raisin–a grape denied its opportunity for self-expression.

—Ted Cook, Austin American, Austin, Texas, April 5, 1930.

A prune is only a plum that didn’t take care of itself.

Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Dec. 4, 1968.

Prune–A plum that has seen better days.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, May 6, 1953.

Raspberry: A grape with goose pimples.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, March 30, 1964.

Celery–An awful noisy way to eat salt.

—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 7, 1960.

Onion–A vegetable that builds you up physically and tears you down socially.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Sept. 4, 1954.

Sausage: A meat that is as strong as its weakest link.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, July 3, 1963.

Crepes suzette are just pancakes gone social.

—Otto Schenkel, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Sept. 6, 1947.

Cabbage–A brussels sprout that let success go to its head.

—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 11, 1960.

Beet: A potato with high blood pressure.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Jan. 14, 1958.

Bread loaf: A baker on a vacation.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Feb. 3, 1964.

Peas: What a little girl says when she wants a second piece of cake.

—Lamar Kirby, Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., May 14, 1942.

Grapefruit: A fruit that has more than meets the eye.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, July 23, 1963.

Bagel: A doughnut with hardening of the arteries.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, June 29, 1957.

Pretzel: A doughnut with convulsions.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., July 19, 1945.

Pretzel: A doughnut with rickets.

Fort Mifflin Bulletin, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., March 3, 1946.

Pretzel: A biscuit on a bender.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, April 9, 1957.

A pretzel is a drinking man's filter.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, April 22, 1960.

Pretzel: A cracker with cramps.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Aug. 2, 1944.

Sauerkraut: A grouchy Dutchman.

—Steve Mitchell, Palm Beach Post, West Palm Beach, Fla., Dec. 29, 1980.

Popcorn: father’s jokes.

—George Breyer, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., March 3, 1956.

Chewing gum: The most common impediment of American speech.

—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Feb. 23, 1945.

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