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Quotations for Laughs #48 --- Baseball

Updated on March 8, 2011

Baseball Humor (Set No. 2)

Query: "Have any umpires gone to war?"

Where else does an umpire ever go?

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Sept. 8, 1917.

If at first you don't succeed, try the outfield.

Chinook Opinion, Chinook, Mont., March 25, 1948.

Love is the only game that was never postponed on account of darkness.

Tuscola Journal, Tuscola, Ill., March 7, 1924.

Diamond cutter: A man who cares for the grounds of a baseball park.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 20, 1963.

If we ever have a woman president, the first baseball of the season will be thrown out underhand.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Oct. 8, 1959.

One of the baseball manager’s problems is to bring a rookie along to where the youngster can live up to early exploitations.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., March 31, 1930.

A fourteen-year-old boy says he has never seen anything to laugh at. Did he ever see an umpire hit on the knee with a foul tip?

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Dec. 12, 1922.

The question arises whether soccer should be played on baseball diamonds. We've seen a few outfielders who looked as though that was the game they were playing.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., March 5, 1967.

Baseball is good exercise, especially the seventh-inning stretch.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Sept. 7, 1936.

Curves mean as much to a girl as they do to baseball pitchers.

—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., July 20, 1932.

Diamond merchant: A man who sells peanuts at a baseball stadium.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, Nov. 17, 1963.

Keep your mind on the ball and the eye will take care of itself.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Jan. 1, 1924.

Defense: Around a ballpark.

Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Jan. 17, 1942.

Good pitcher: One who can throw a ball faster than a batter can shake a stick at it.

—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, July 11, 1957.

When a man starts bragging that he has a lot on the ball, he's inviting somebody to bat him around.

—Clarin D. Ashby, Uintah Basin Standard, Roosevelt, Utah, Feb. 5, 1970.

Baseball fans tell us that it rains on the just and the umpires alike.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 11, 1961.

It's often a mistake for the fan to leave too early just because the home team is behind. Remember, the baseball game isn't over until the final commercial.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Aug. 25, 1967.

The average worker doesn't realize how lucky he is. His errors aren't on record like a baseball player–or columnist.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., April 26, 1970.

The difference between a baseball and football fan: the baseball fan knows when to come out of the rain.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., Jan. 2, 1972.

Sometimes a man who strikes you as having a lot on the ball is just able to pitch a good line.

Chicago Heights Star, Chicago Heights, Ill., June 17, 1955.

The error column just as often shows where a player wasn't afraid to take a chance.

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., April 9, 1916.

How to make a good living just jerking your thumb a couple of hours a day: Be a major league umpire.

—Neal O’Hara, Lake Charles American-Press, Lake Charles, La., Sept. 14, 1929.

It takes another guy’s smartness to bring out your dumbness. Remember that next time you are caught off second.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, June 8, 1924.

Watch your step! A ball over the center field fence yields nothing more than an out if you fail to touch first.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, June 4, 1924.

A sermon, like a hard hit baseball, would be easier to catch if it weren't for its sting.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 10, 1962.

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