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Quotations for Laughs #51 --- Baseball

Updated on March 8, 2011

Baseball Humor (Set No. 3)

A reader asks, "Why is it that the fan who usually roasts the umpire's judgment on a play where the umpire is some 200 feet closer generally has weak looking eyes or wears glasses?"

What have the eyes to do with it? It's the horsepower of the throat that counts here. 

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., May 19, 1915.

There was this baseball player who retired as age crept upon him, and went into the sausage-packing business–in other words, from bat to wurst.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., March 24, 1970.

Baseball players understandably want a higher minimum wage, and fans can’t be blamed for demanding a higher minimum performance.

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Dec. 22, 1967.

Bleachers–Jeering section.

—Al Bernstein, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., April 8, 1968.

A boy is really grown up when he’s rather steal a kiss than second base.

—Nat Campbell, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, May 16, 1957.

What are the names for first, second and third base? The initial sack, the keystone sack and the hot corner. And the outfield? The outer garden.

—Glen Perry, Saturday Evening Post, Philadelphia, Pa., May 16, 1936.

Some men are like pitchers. They expend so much strength in "winding up" that they haven't any energy left to put the ball over the plate.

—Hans Roger, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., April 15, 1910.

While highly commendable in business, this matter of striking out for oneself is frowned upon in baseball, especially if the winning run’s on second at the time.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, March 29, 1948.

Many an argument at the plate is sound–and only sound.

—John Mooney, Salt Lake Telegram, Salt Lake City, Utah, April 8, 1948.

Sports differs from politics in that, so far anyway, we haven’t heard that both major leagues picked losers to represent them in the series.

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 21, 1968.

Calling a spade a spade is highly recommended behavior, but when a baseball manager calls his lousy club a lousy club he gets fired.

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., April 25, 1954.

One thing about baseball scores and Supreme Court decisions–wet grounds do not interfere with the court’s game.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Aug. 31, 1945.

A baseball manager reported a long evening for his ace right hander, who gave up 2 hits and 13 runs.

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., July 5, 1968.

People who think baseball is dull don’t pay enough attention to the statistics, which is where the action is.

—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., July 26, 1968.

Uncertainty makes baseball a popular game. The important thing is to have a team that can upset a foregone conclusion.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., July 7, 1939.

Uncertainty makes baseball a great game. Write a magazine story of the rookie who is going like a house of fire, and by the time it is printed the rookie is in a slump.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., July 7, 1939.

Baseball and the weather bureau are both national institutions, with this difference: The weather bureau never postpones on account of baseball.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., May 11, 1940.

Can anyone explain how the umpires can sleep so soundly with all the lights on at a baseball field?

—Connie Christensen, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Aug. 4, 1960.

It is always considered an honor to be called upon to throw the first ball of the baseball season. Throwing the first game is something else.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Feb. 27, 1926.

If all the home runs hit in spring practice were placed end to end they wouldn’t reach to first base in mid-season.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, April 10, 1926.

The umpire’s wife. Pity the poor woman, married to a man who is always right.

—Les Goates, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, May 17, 1949.

Our idea of nothing at all: The honor of batting into the first triple play of the season.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, Feb. 4, 1923.

Was the ancient prophet referring to the draft when he remarked: "Many are called, but few are chosen"?

—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Aug. 29, 1917.

Two elderly women arrived at a baseball game just in time as the batter hit a home run. Twenty minutes later the batter got up to bat, and hit another home run. One of the women said to the other, "Let's go. This is where we came in."

—Conrad Fiorello, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Aug. 10, 1975.

For the parents of a Little Leaguer, a baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into innings.

—Wade Andrews, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., July 30, 1972.

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