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Quotations for Laughs #55 --- Golf
Golf Jokes (Set No. 2)
Short Putt–Any putt that you miss.
Lucky Putt–Any putt your opponent holes.
Hole in One–Just the way you played it.
Bum Caddie–A kid who can't find the ball in a wheat field or at the bottom of a pond.
The Hole or Cup–A depression in the green nearly always an inch to the right or left of your putt.
—Grantland Rice, New York Herald Tribune, New York, N.Y., July 3, 1924.
A golf rule says a player cannot change his lie. When you once tell your score, men, stick to it.
—Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Aug. 12, 1953.
Why pray for rain? Why not pray for the crops to thrive without it and keep fair weather for golf?
—Robert Quillen, San Jose Evening News, San Jose, Calif., Aug. 23, 1930.
Golf is an ineffectual endeavor to put an insignificant pellet into an obscure hole with entirely inadequate weapons.
—Tilton Talk, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Feb. 9, 1947.
There’s one big difference between learning to drive a car and learning to play golf. When you are learning to play golf, you don’t hit anything.
—Manchester Oak Leaves, quoted in Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., May 18, 1947.
Hazard: Manmade difficulties, consisting of equal parts of sand, water, profanity and ulcers.
—Lou Torre, Schenectady Gazette, Schenectady, N.Y., Aug. 8, 1961.
The ability to laugh at the ridiculous is an asset to everyone–except a golf caddy.
—Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Jan. 19, 1954.
Golf requires courage of a sort, but the player doesn’t have to hit the ball while it is being thrown at him by an opponent.
—Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Aug. 21, 1968.
The one place you’re not supposed to dig in to your task is the golf course.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., May 3, 1965.
A golfer is a chap who yells “Fore,” takes six and puts down five.
—Jack Weiller, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 10, 1980.
Life is like a round of golf. As soon as you get out of one hole, you head for another.
—Jack Weiller, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 24, 1980.
Metaphor: To be struck by a golf ball.
—Steve Mitchell, Palm Beach Post, West Palm Beach, Fla., Dec. 29, 1980.
The worst mistake a man can make on a golf course is to beat his boss.
—Homer Phillips, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Jan. 26, 1961.
I've been playing golf in tough luck lately. I missed a hole-in-one by only four strokes.
—Joey Bishop, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 15, 1953.
Higher golf scores would result if players told the truth, the hole truth and nothing but the truth.
—Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., June 21, 1954.
"So you lost your job as a caddie," one boy said to another.
"Yeah. I could do the work all right, but I couldn't learn not to laugh."
—Air Force Times, Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 1969.
One man cut six strokes off his score the other day. This indicates either his counting or his golf is improving.
—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, March 19, 1926.
Remember the Sabbath Day–keep it Holey.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 7, 1956.
For what doth it profit a bloke to gain a 300-yard drive and lose a 2-foot putt?
—Grantland Rice, New York Tribune, New York, N.Y., Aug. 10, 1915.
The difference between life and a golf course is in the latter instance it is the bunkers that hinder progress, and in the former it is the bunk.
—Jack Haney, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, La., Jan. 20, 1926.
On a golf course, when a ball goes out of bounds, it is followed immediately by the owner's temper.
—James J. Montague, San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., Aug. 14, 1923.
Golf: A sport whose secret is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often.
—Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, June 6, 1957.
How to improve your golf: Just keep thinking that your ball is the tax collector’s head.
—Nat Campbell, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, March 19, 1958.
An optimist is a fellow who looks in the cup for his lost golf ball.
—Chinook Opinion, Chinook, Mont., June 21, 1945.
For many golf is just a pleasant (?) way of beating around the bush.
—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., March 5, 1971.
The guy who lived next door to the golf course complained it was always raining golf balls the size of hail.
—Mike Coyle, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., June 4, 1969.
NOTE: For more Golf jokes, see the following Hub: Quotations for Laughs #8