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Quotations for Laughs #57 --- Dogs

Updated on March 8, 2011

Dog Jokes (Set No. 2)

If we let this country go to the dogs everybody will have to wear a license tag.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Dec. 2, 1937.

Heard about the veterinarian who sound-proofed his kennels so he could have hush puppies?

—Ray Sackett, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Oct. 10, 1968.

Sign spotted on a house: “Beware of owner. Never mind the dog.”

—Seymour Rosenberg, Spartanburg Herald, Spartanburg, S.C., Sept. 1, 1974.

Be nice to dumb animals; they’re trying to be nice to dumb people.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Oct. 26, 1965.

Woof: Top of a house. —Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Nov. 20, 1941.

Cross a Setter with a Pointer and have a litter of Poinsetters.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Dec. 23, 1960.

It is almost as hard to teach an old dog new tricks as to find the new tricks.

Idaho Statesman, Boise, Idaho, Jan. 6, 1931.

Even when you teach an old dog new tricks, he's still an old dog.

Carson City News, Carson City, Nev., Oct. 2, 1921.

The quickest way to become an old dog is to stop learning new tricks.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., April 28, 1975.

Maybe man really does love his wife as much as he does his dog, but you never heard of his whistling around the neighborhood half the night trying to get her to come home!

—Lou Alexander, Parade, New York, N.Y., March 1, 1964.

Just remember! You're middle-aged when the girl you whistle at assumes you're calling your dog.

—Jack Wakefield, Parade, New York, N.Y., March 21, 1965.

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.

—Robert Benchley, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 25, 1968.

Two fleas stood at the bottom of a hill. Said one to the other: "Well, Jasmine, what do you want to do, walk or take a dog?"

—Kaye Ballard, Parade, New York, N.Y., April 20, 1969.

Animal experts say that dogs are more likely to cause trouble when they run in packs than they would as individuals. Which makes them remarkably like people.

—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., May 15, 1969.

Sign over a dog in a pet shop window: "Reduced Price–Obedience School Dropout."

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., May 28, 1970.

Sign in a pet shop that specializes in dachshunds: "Get a long little doggie."

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., July 2, 1973.

Could be the reason you're so dog tired at night is because you growled all day?

—Theodore L. Cannon, Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 7, 1957.

Some men who live a dog's life probably do not have any license to do so.

Mt. Pleasant Record, Mt. Pleasant, Tenn., Aug. 16, 1935.

Alarm clock: A mechanical device for awakening people who don't have small children or neighbors with barking dogs.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Sept. 18, 1956.

Even when a man isn't barking up the wrong tree he may be leading a dog's life.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Sept. 22, 1912.

When is a black dog most likely to enter a house? When the door is open, silly.

—David Dare, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 23, 1952.

When a flea moves up from a little dog to a big dog, does he call it a promotion?

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Oct. 4, 1919.

Did you hear about the guy who crossed a dog and a hen and got pooched eggs?

—Billy Falbo, Parade, New York, N.Y., Nov. 2, 1969.

A senator, when asked about his opponent for re-election, said, "I don't want to be too hard on him, but in my opinion he has every quality of a dog except loyalty."

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Nov. 11, 1969.

Watchdog owner to veterinarian: "Every time I shout 'Sic' he goes to sleep." Vet: "Ah, yes--sicking sleepiness."

—Robert Brault, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Nov. 24, 1974.

NOTE: For more Dog jokes, see the following Hub: Quotations for Laughs #1

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