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Quotations for Laughs #58 -- Dogs

Updated on March 8, 2011

Dog Jokes (Set No. 3)

Doberman pinschers: The kind of dogs that chase automobiles–and bring them back.

—Woody Allen, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Nov. 28, 1963.

What goes Mark, Mark, Mark? A dog with a harelip.

—Bill Wylie, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Dec. 2, 1966.

A lot of people like to see dog days come just so they can have something to growl about.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, July 16, 1926.

A dog has a lot of fine traits that a man might adopt. But growling isn’t one of them.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, Aug. 20, 1924.

Maybe because some men think they are leading a dog’s life is why they go around growling at everything.

The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Oct. 12, 1933.

The grouches who growl and snap and bark most around here are the ones that lead the dog’s lives.

The Daily Texan, Austin, Texas, Aug. 17, 1926.

You can't expect to be a lucky dog if you spend all your time growling.

—Jewell Ball, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 21, 1973.

Narko-barko: A marijuana-sniffing dog.

—J. Baxter Newgate, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Nov. 12, 1978.

Fido's headstone: Barker marker.

—Thomas Kalbfliesch, This Week, New York, N.Y., Aug. 27, 1961.

I just crossed an Alaskan sled dog and an Idaho potato and got Husky and Starch.

—Al Batt, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., March 12, 1978.

When a man complains he leads a dog’s life it does not always mean he is down to his last bone.

—Al Warden, Ogden Standard-Examiner, Ogden, Utah, Nov. 14, 1924.

It's the bone of contention that causes a man to lead a dog's life.

New York Times, New York, N.Y., Jan. 16, 1910.

Gutsy-Muttsy: A Chihuahua that steals bones from a Doberman pinscher.

—Carol McGhee, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Dec. 31, 1978.

Every boy needs a dog–and a mother to see that it gets fed.

—Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., Jan. 17, 1972.

I know a family who are so poor that when you throw the dog a bone, the poor little fellow has to signal for a "fair catch."

—Anna Herbert, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Nov. 17, 1974.

It's easy to identify a publicity hound. He has a big mouth and a long tale.

—Olin Miller, Daily Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., May 29, 1935.

There's something suspicious about the story of a dog being graduated from a high school. Must have been the teacher's pet.

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Feb. 26, 1954.

Two friends met on Broadway. One said to the other, "Hey, I just got a cute bulldog for my wife." The friend asked, "How did you ever put over a trade like that?"

—Ken Berry, Parade, New York, N.Y., March 5, 1967.

If left to his own devices, no dog would have produced a breed that looks like a man leading a dog's life.

—Fletcher Knebel, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 27, 1957.

A husband doesn't do much growling after he gets in the dog house.

—Carey Williams, Beaumont Enterprise, Beaumont, Texas, Jan. 10, 1959.

Many a man has gotten in the dog house by barking out his orders around home.

—Carey Williams, Beaumont Enterprise, Beaumont, Texas, June 4, 1955.

Some men have dens in their homes. Others just growl all over the house.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Jan. 10, 1951.

Sometimes it takes more than a new home to get hubby out of the doghouse.

Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Feb. 14, 1949.

My marriage was a big mistake. I was at the courthouse applying for a dog license.

—Phyllis Diller, Parade, New York, N.Y., Jan. 10, 1965.

You really see some strange pets around these days. The other day I saw a lady on the street with a big greyhound. It has a bus painted on its side.

—Paul Gilbert, Parade, New York, N.Y., Oct. 4, 1964.

NOTE: For more Dog jokes, see the following Hubs: Quotations for Laughs #1; Quotations for Laughs #57

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