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Quotations for Laughs #59 --- Growing Old

Updated on December 5, 2011

Growing Old Jokes (Set No. 1)

Perhaps the most satisfactory way of growing old, if we must, is unconsciously.

—Jack Warwick, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Sept. 19, 1940.

One of the agonies of growing old is growing accustomed.

—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., July 3, 1967.

You're growing older when you forget the word you're looking for in the dictionary.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., March 28, 1971.

You're growing older when the days never seem to end, but the years rush by.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., May 20, 1973.

You will make a poor job of growing old unless you take your time about it.

Crowley Daily Signal, Crowley, La., Jan. 27, 1926.

Some women have such a fear of growing old that worrying over it makes them gray-haired prematurely.

—Herb B. Gee, San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., June 26, 1921.

One nice thing about growing older is that you and your children can be on the same side of the generation gap.

Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Dec. 6, 1969.

The worst thing about growing old is having to listen to a lot of advice from one’s children.

—Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 22, 1940.

Growing old is to some degree preferable to the only alternative.

—Olin Miller, Atlanta Journal, Atlanta, Ga., Feb. 24, 1949.

If you find yourself talking less and saying more, you are growing older and wiser.

—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Feb. 26, 1957.

Growing old is sometimes just a question of mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., April 11, 1968.

When you go through life without accomplishing anything, think what a waste of time growing old was.

Morning Advocate, Baton Rouge, La., Feb. 2, 1954. Y

You're growing older if you switch from a brisk shower to a hot bath.

—Jack Rosenbaum, San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco, Calif., June 2, 1974.

The tragedy of this day and age is nobody is willing to grow middle-aged gracefully; everybody seems bent on growing old disgracefully.

—Helen Rowland, New Orleans States, New Orleans, La., Nov. 16, 1929.

Growing old is not to bad–if you just take your time and don’t try to rush things.

—Dan Valentine, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Feb. 11, 1951.

Another drawback to getting old is that the younger generation keeps getting younger.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., March 2, 1971.

A girl knows she's getting old when she realizes the guy who promised to climb the highest mountain is now over the hill.

—Betty Madigan, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, March 5, 1955.

Getting old is merely a matter of feeling your corns more than you do your oats.

—Lee R. Call, Star Valley Independent, Afton, Wyo., March 19, 1970.

You're getting old if your feet hurt even before you get out of bed in the morning.

—Fred Houston, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, May 15, 1956.

Getting old–What the other fellow is doing when it takes him as long to climb the stairs as it does you.

—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, June 6, 1955.

You're getting old when you start throwing your kisses instead of delivering them.

—V.M. Roberts, Look, Des Moines, Iowa, June 28, 1955.

You can be sure you're getting old when you get winded on an escalator.

San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., Aug. 17, 1970.

You are getting old when your back goes out more often than you do.

—Thomas LaMance, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Sept. 9, 1979.

You know you're getting old when you take your teeth out more often than you do your wife.

—Andy Anderson, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Jan. 20, 1980.

You know you're getting old when you pay more for your new car than you did for your first house.

—Paulette Mike-Mayer, Chicago Tribune, Chicago, Ill., Jan. 20, 1980.

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  • tsadjatko profile image

    5 years ago from now on

    Great one liners! how about some lyrics?

    (Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!! (Think Sound of Music)

    Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,

    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,

    When the knees go bad,

    I simply remember my favorite things,

    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

    Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',

    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,

    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, When the hips break,

    When the eyes grow dim,

    Then I remember the great life I've had,

    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Or are you just Bored, Tubby & Mild? ...http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedd...

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