Quotations for Laughs #62 --- Preachers (Ministers)
Preacher (Minister) Jokes (Set No. 1)
A minister asked a little girl what she thought of her first church service.
"Well," she said, "the music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
—Rip Taylor, Parade, New York, N.Y., Jan. 3, 1971.
Minister: Do you take this woman for better or for worse?
Benedict: I’m hoping only for the best.
—The Commercial Dispatch, Columbus, Miss., Sept. 6, 1935.
Our pastor, who likes to make sports analogies, reminds us that in the game of life, the referee gives no two-minute warnings.
—Bill Vaughan, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., Nov. 19, 1968.
A man usually considers it a good sermon when he feels that the minister didn’t refer directly to him.
—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Jan. 2, 1957.
Church attendance increased right after the minister started calling himself a sacred agent.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Jan. 20, 1966.
A newly ordained minister, performing his very first wedding ceremony, was considerably more nervous and discombobulated than the young couple he was uniting. He mumbled his way through the service, however, then patted the bridegroom on the shoulder, and stammered, "Well, that's that! Now go and sin no more!"
—Bennett Cerf, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, St. Louis, Mo., March 20, 1968.
The minister was on a diet. His wife told him, “Go thou and thin some more.”
—James Dent, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Jan. 2, 1980.
A minister advises his parishioners to come early if they want a back seat.
—Wesley S. Izzard, Amarillo Daily News, Amarillo, Texas, Jan. 18, 1952.
A minister was making a telephone call to another minister across the country. "Do you want this call to be station to station?" asked the operator. "No," said the minister testily, "this is parson to parson."
—Conrad Fiorello, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., April 24, 1977.
You’re oversensitive when you think the preacher is looking right at you.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Jan. 27, 1966.
A minister rehearsing his sermon: Practicing what he preaches.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 26, 1963.
The popular way to exemplify Sunday as a day of rest is to sleep through the minister’s sermon.
—Lake Charles American-Press, Lake Charles, La., Sept. 12, 1929.
One minister solved a Sunday problem. He labeled the end pew. “The 19th Hole.”
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Oct. 4, 1967.
Embarrassing situation: A friend says the congregations are so small in her church that when the pastor says “dearly beloved” she feels as if she has received a proposal.
—Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., Nov. 22, 1944.
Wicked clergyman–sinister minister.
—Houston Post, Houston, Texas, July 20, 1965.
The senior minister advised his new assistant: “Just remember that biscuits and sermons are improved by shortening.”
—James Dent, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., April 15, 1980.
Some ministers do not practice what they preach, and some baseball players do not play as they practice.
—Idaho Statesman, Boise, Idaho, Nov. 28, 1925.
Pastors try to be travel agents for the line that runs straight and narrow.
—Purser Hewitt, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., March 5, 1972.
A minister is a fellow who dreams that some day his flock will be as eager to get to salvation as they are to the parking lot.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., March 5, 1979.
Flock watcher: Pastor of the local congregation.
—Kenneth J. Shirley, Family Weekly, New York, N.Y., Jan. 4, 1959.
A Christian who does not live his religion during the six days of the week usually finds the pastor’s sermon too long on Sunday.
—J.B. Cranfill, Baptist Standard, Waco, Texas, June 27, 1895.
Lawyers get more for divorcing folks than ministers get for marrying them.
—Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., Dec. 4, 1944.
The guy who, every time he got into trouble ran to the priest, was just going from the frying pan to the friar.
—Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., June 9, 1967.
Give a girl enough rope and she’ll get a preacher to tie the knot.
—Howard C. “Buck” Herzog, Milwaukee Sentinel, Milwaukee, Wis., Aug. 21, 1952.
Preacher–The only man who can keep dozens of women quiet for an hour.
—Lorrie Brooks, Dallas Morning News, Dallas, Texas, Feb. 1, 1954.