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Quotations for Laughs #1 --- Dogs

Updated on March 8, 2011

Dog Jokes

Pants: What a hot dog does.

---Jesse J. Collins, Tampa Morning Tribune, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 27, 1942.

A dog will eat almost anything you give him, but a cat demands a look at the menu first.

---Bill Vaughan, Milwaukee Journal, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 30, 1968.

If we let this country go to the dogs everybody will have to wear a license tag.

---Jack Warwick, Pittsurgh Post-Gazette, Pittsburgh, Pa., Dec. 2, 1937.

Since there's already a catalog why haven't any of those animal lovers demanded a dogalog?

---Bill Copeland, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., May 17, 1965.

A real sport--A fellow who got a marriage licens, a fishing license and a dog license on the same day.

---Vera Wise, The Daily Herald, Biloxi, Miss., June 26, 1941.

Be an optimist--even a guy in the dog house has a woof over his head.

---John Mooney, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, May 27, 1954.

No matter how dumb a dog may look he's got his master working to support him.

---San Francisco Chronicle, San Francisco, Calif., April 25, 1973.

Live fully for complete happiness. Work like a dog, eat like a horse, think like a fox, play like a kitten--and see your veterinarian twice a year.

---Tom Ethridge, The Clarion-Ledger, Jackson, Miss., July 12, 1973.

Dog: An animal the neighbors have that howls at the moon when the moon is shining and at something else when the moon isn't shining.

---Jack Haney, The Times-Picayune, New Orleans, La., April 25, 1925.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks unless you are smarter than the dog.

---Mt. Pleasant Record, Mt. Pleasant, Tenn., Nov. 3, 1933.

A dog eating cantaloupe: A melon collie.

---Chicago Heights Star, Chicago Heights, Ill., March 19, 1957.

Today I yelled at my dog--and my wife said the dog was right.

---Rodney Dangerfield, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, Sept. 2, 1968.

Why is a sheet of paper like a lazy dog?

A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.

An inclined plane is a slope up.

A slow pup is a lazy dog.

---Chuck Billing, Houston Post, Houston, Texas, May 21, 1964.

A scolding person is like a barking dog--their noise disturbs. It's the uncertainty of the critter's next move that worries.

---W.H. Johnson, Baptist Standard, Dallas, Texas, Sept. 21, 1905.

When a man is accused of leading a dog's life it may be an insult to the dog.

---Knoxville Journal, Knoxville, Tenn., Feb. 14, 1941.

Dachshund: An animal that's half a dog high and a dog and a half long.

---Paul H. Gilbert, El Paso Times, El Paso, Texas, July 17, 1957.

Some fellows are in the dog house so much they're considering getting a license.

---Chinook Opinion, Chinook, Mont., July 14, 1949.

One advantage in being a dog is that someone else pays the tax.

---Hamilton G. Park, Salt Lake Tribune, Salt Lake City, Utah, Jan. 4, 1939.

People usually bury the hatchet as a dog does bones, so they can easily find it again in case of emergency.

---Nashville Banner, Nashville, Tenn., July 18, 1942.

A man wags his tongue and a dog wags his tail, but the dog's wag is always truthful.

---Tuscola Journal, Tuscola, Ill., Aug. 14, 1924.

No man understands human nature half so well as an experienced dog.

---Bert Moses, Lake Charles American Press, Lake Charles, La., Sept. 6, 1935.

If the world is going to the dogs, that's something for the dogs to worry about.

---Grady Imes, The Starkville News, Starkville, Miss., March 27, 1942.

Everyone sympathizes with the under do except the dog that happens to be on top.

---Duncan M. Smith, Charleston Daily Mail, Charleston, W. Va., April 25, 1904.

Jumping at a conclusion--a dog catching his own tail.

---Michigan Farmer, Detroit, Mich., May 2, 1887.

President's dog: A publicity hound.

---Don Maclean, Sarasota Journal, Sarasota, Fla., Aug. 28, 1968.

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