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RUNNIN' WITH THE HERD
By: Wayne Brown
This morning I made my normal stop just prior to sunrise to get a cup of coffee at the corner 7-11 outlet. I stop there every day on the way in to the office. I’m what you call a fixture in their morning customer traffic. I expect to be there and the clerks expect to see me. You might say that we have an on-going relationship. That relationship pivots mostly on the terms “good morning!” and “how are you this morning?”, “thank you!” and “have a nice day!”. We are really into each other in that regard. So, you might say that today’s transaction was nothing out of the ordinary until I stepped up to the counter to make my purchase.
As I waited in line at the register this morning, I began to glance around the counters and display cases to see if 7-11 was indeed marketing some new high-tech item that I just had to have to go along with my morning coffee. The shelves were bare in that regard. But, on this particular morning, one thing did suddenly catch my eye that I could not take my peepers off of it. It was a gift from the writing gods…one to stimulate my brain once again. I was so blessed indeed!
There in the rack below the counter of the 7-11 was a plethora of magazines of every conceivable subject line. I ignored the titles thus I do not know the name of the magazine to which I am referring…typical man thing, huh? What I did see was the name of one of the article highlighted on the cover. The article was entitled “Seven Ways to Stimulate A Male”. My first reaction was, “are you kidding me?” “Could there be only seven?” Obviously this was one of those “ladies’ magazines” with a marketing focus on women. Realizing that fact, I was even more shocked and I began to contemplate the concept.
In the first place, this article had to be written by a guy who is just out there trolling for women. Most of the women that I know could give a hoot as to how many ways there are to stimulate a man because they have long since realized that stimulating a man is one of the easiest things to do on the face of this earth. “Are ya breathing? Well, okay then, that’s turnin’ me on!” To insinuate there are seven ways worthy of discussion to simply put cheese in a trap that is too hard for the mouse to pass up. Could this be an attempt by this female focused magazine to lure in an even wider audience by raising the curiosity of the male? Are there males out there who want to know what those seven steps are? Oh hell yes!
It would be really refreshing to know that women are seeing this magazine cover and thinking to themselves, “I’ve gotta get that magazine and read that article now!” I imagine women who would go flush as they just read the title of the article and got weak in the knees thinking about executing all seven steps in rapid succession. I could just see all the men shouting, “Thank ya, Jesus! Thank ya, Jesus!”
Now that would be a world painted like most men envision it. The real world is totally different. Women look at the title of the article and bite their lip to keep from laughing out loud in the store. Women think to themselves, “How about an article on how to get him to shut up and go to sleep!”? Ultimately, the only women who buy this magazine are the ones who don’t want to disappoint the expectations of the man who has already probably read the article and is waiting at the bar for her to arrive.
I didn’t buy the magazine because I didn’t want to incite any laughter from my wife when she discovered it and asked what it was I was reading about in some ladies’ reference. I have been to a couple of county fairs and had a few blind dates including one who could see just a little bit out of her left eye so I know how these things go with women of a certain age. She would also be quick to point out the information in the article was not the type of information that would be of any value to me as have been removed long ago from “running with the herd” and now pass my days grazing the green pastures of marital content which has little to do with the seven steps outlined in the article I am quite sure.
Given all that and realizing that I stood to have no personal gain with such knowledge I tried to move my brain to other pursuits. But the old brain is a stubborn one and kept return to the secrets locked behind the “seven ways to stimulate a male”. I assure you that I have no interest in stimulating any males so that was not the basis for my brain locking on to the subject. No it was for a different reason that I had become so infatuated with this subject. It took a bit but soon my photogenic memory had figured out the reasons.
I have written about a broad array of subjects over time. One never really knows what I will tackle given the inspiration. I have a brain that generates a lot of fluff so I can give content to subjects which have little or no content in the first place. The Lord has blessed me in that way. It was not my choice, it was the Lord’s…I wanted to play guitar really well, but noooooooooo! Anyway, I digress. Suffice to say that I can take a subject that is mostly skin and bones to work with it and give it muscle and in that knowledge lay my infatuation.
I have realized that I would not dare to take a subject like “seven ways to stimulate a male” and attempt to write about it in significant detail. How much detail could there be. Now, mind you, if you were writing this piece for some space aliens who had no idea what a male or female of the human species might be, it could be a meaty subject and allow you to start from the very basics. But this is not the case here. Imagine the seven steps if you will. Step 1: Show up! Step 2: Mention sex in any way. Step 3: Show a hint of cleavage. Step 4: Breath Step 5: Say anything using the word “bedroom”. Step 6: Paint your nails. Step 7: Remind him that tonight is the third date. I don’t know if these are the same as those outlined in the article but I’ll bet they are close.
Here’s my point…while I can easily think of seven items that a woman can employ which will stimulate a man, what the hell can you say about them that would fill up enough space to call the writing an “article” and have it included in a magazine issue? No, this is not a subject I would attack unless I was seriously drinking and then only on the fourth or fifth stiff drink might I venture into those uncharted waters.
From now on, while I am making my morning stop at the 7-11, I plan to keep my peepers off of the magazine rack. This brain joust which I have endured this morning is just not worth the level exertion required to understand why someone writes such absolutely useless material and tries to sell it to me. As my wife reminds me… “I no longer run with the herd!”
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