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Regrets I Have
I regret the things I wanted replacing the things you needed.
I regret your heart breaking and my not preventing it.
I should have payed more attention, but I was out with friends.
Then you called, but I was having too much fun to listen.
I apologize for the many times your pretty eyes cried.
And when you tried to warn me against mistakes I was making,
I said, "I'll never repeat your stupidity".
That I was out of line.
Just know, I found out in time.
Although, you've done many things I don't agree with,
you never earned disrespect. Know it was born from ignorance.
While I needed someone to look up to, I needed someone to disagree with
someone to fight, and then ignore while I sorted out my resentment.
I know, it sucks to be a target.
I regret how long our fights lasted.
While I regret not bringing you enough smiles
cause I had less important more important things on my mind,
know that my biggest regret is your pain.
Even the aches that didn't stem from me.
Like the ways you were torn before I was even born.
I regret that I can look into your eyes today and define your look as forlorn.
How do I end your suffering?
How much can I give to you while taking care of me?
What if I said you pushed me away with all the drama,
and that I'm living my own life, looking for my own come-up?
I feel like we're strangers and you'd never understand my diary entries.
I love putting myself in danger and falling into the things that tempt me.
I'm sorry that my history can be disappointing,
but there's strength in my honesty,
and lessons in the secrets I keep.
There isn't a shred of innocence left in this body,
but Mommy, I'm still your baby.
You didn't fail with me and when you pray, don't leave me out of your memory.
You believe in Jesus while I don't for my own reasons.
But if you insist, I'll trust with five percent
cause if you do, I do, it's just simple math.
Or maybe it isn't. Did those numbers add up? I'm no brainiac.
Do you think I grew up too fast?
I don't remember being a child,
that's another regret I have. . .
I will never be like you and I used to think that was why you hated me.
I will never live up to the name you gave me, nor will I become what you tried to create in me.
When my father told me he loved me, I didn't believe him.
Still, I wish you'd say those words too for no reason.
With you, they'd carry more weight
cause with you, I always felt safe.
Yet, it was you I hid from when I meditated in my rhymes.
I was only nine, I just hope you found out in time.
If I die young, I'd regret at least half our relationship.
Why was I born into dysfunction. Nevermind, you made the best of it.
I tend to wonder why you have such bad blood with your mother.
I hope you and I never have that with each other,
but I see us turning around that corner.
That is why I let calls from you go unanswered.
Plus, I'm sick of fighting about my brother.
I've watched you repeat the same cycle over and over.
When are a mother's sins neglected by her daughter?
That karma can't be my monster.
When I turn 25 this summer,
I hope it will storm the entire week.
I want the rain to cleanse me
cause I've been hearing thunder in my heartbeat. . .
it means I'm not clean.
There's just too much to regret
about you and me.