Relationships: The Day Bev Tried To Kill Me
Bev and I have been together now for about four years, give or take a couple rocky moments. We love each other deeply. We would do anything for each other. We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. We have a shared past and a planned future. There is no one on this planet I would rather be with on any given day, and I’m sure she would say the same.
That’s why it was such a shock to me that my beloved tried to kill me. I mean, who would have guessed it? There was no warning! There was no argument leading up to that moment! There was utter happiness until the moment I realized that I had been marked for death, and the executioner was Bev.
To her credit she played the part perfectly. I never saw it coming, but then how many victims are aware of impending death until the final seconds, before the lights go out permanently on the stage of life, and the final curtain comes crashing down?
Only the luck of the Irish rendered her plan null and void. I am built of stout genes, and my body’s natural immune system kicked in at the last moment and prevented what would have been the end of my writing days.
Allow me to tell you about that fateful day when the music died, when my faith in unconditional love went bye-bye….the day Bev tried to kill me.
ANY SCREENPLAY NEEDS A SCENE
Ever since I have known Bev, and that’s been a little over four years, she has been on a crusade to help me live a healthier lifestyle. She is good at what she does; make no mistake about that fact. She slyly sneaks a salad in here, a vitamin in there, all the while appearing like everything is normal. I have known what she is up to for quite some time, but I have chosen to be magnanimous about it and let her have her fun.
I even agreed to go on walks with her, cut down on fast food, and of late I have even started yoga.
The thing about a crusade such as this one is that once you let the door open a crack then it can never be closed. Give Bev encouragement by trying lettuce one night and you can bet your socks she will sneak asparagus in the next night. It is a never-ending campaign and it has reached the point where I hardly recognize my body at all. Hell, I hardly recognize myself at all. Gone is the old man shuffle. Gone is the shortage of breath. Gone is the high blood pressure. In other words, everything I had grown accustomed to has left my life, leaving me with free-flowing blood, healthy lungs and damn it all to hell, stamina and good skin color!!!!
I had no way to know that it was all part of a greater plan, that she was just setting me up to take the ultimate fall. She had bought me a one-way ticket to that great salad bar in the sky and I was clueless until it was too late.
THE ULTIMATE IN DEGRADATION
I’m not much of a pill-popper. I was given some pretty impressive DNA by my birth parents and I am rarely sick, so I have never seen much use in vitamins and supplements. I figure my alcohol abuse for over twenty years beautifully prepared my body for the later years; no germ could possibly live inside a body that was awash in alcohol for so many years.
However, because I love Bev and because it gave her so much happiness, I started taking vitamins and then supplements. A couple of the pills were big enough to choke a horse but I hiked up my jock strap and bravely swallowed them, all in the name of love.
A few weeks ago Bev introduced a new player in the game; over breakfast one morning I noticed half of a little pink pill waiting for me next to my orange juice glass. I asked her what the hell that was. She calmly and sweetly replied that it was Niacin. I asked her what the hell it did. She calmly and sweetly replied that it helps lower cholesterol in the blood. I asked her why I needed that crap. She calmly and sweetly replied that it would be nice if I didn’t drop dead in the near future because of my stubbornness.
Well what the hell was I supposed to say to that? I took the damn thing and as I was leaving the table for a back-breaking day of writing articles that entertain the world, Bev mentioned that there might be side-effects from the Niacin. I asked her what the hell kind of side-effects. She calmly and sweetly mumbled something that I didn’t quite catch.
Fast forward three weeks. The little pink pill became a standard breakfast companion and none of the side-effects had been experienced. In fact, I had forgotten that there could be any side-effects. Such was the genius of Bev’s plan that she actually told me about the impending doom and it never even registered with me. Now that is diabolical!
AND SO IT HAPPENED!
July 10, 2012, the Day of Infamy! The day dawned like any other. I showered, kissed Bev good morning, and sat down to my breakfast of two eggs, orange juice and pink pill. Little did I know that my future could be counted in mere hours.
I went out to my studio and commenced writing the next great American novel. Two hours passed uneventfully and then it happened. My blood suddenly felt like it was on fire. My skin itched terribly and I started viewing my life as it passed before my very eyes. I literally ceased all actions and faced my own mortality. Sweat was poppin’ on my forehead, my blood continued to boil, and I contemplated dialing 911.
After a half hour of this the symptoms disappeared as suddenly as they had arrived. I calmly got up from the computer table, strolled into the house, and told Bev what had just happened. I knew she would be terribly concerned and quite frankly I was looking for some serious, no-nonsense sympathy. What I got, instead, was Bev laughing so hard I thought she would have a stroke. I’m sure the neighbors stopped what they were doing and wondered why Bev was so hysterical with laughter.
When she finally caught her breath she calmly and sweetly explained that those were the effects of Niacin and that she had explained to me that it might happen.
For the record, I was not amused!
I am happy to announce that Bev and I are still a couple. I have had two days now to reflect on what happened and I can see where I might have had some part in the events that transpired. It is entirely possible that I didn’t listen quite as closely as I should have when she was explaining the side-effects. I have been told before that I might have selective hearing and it’s possible this was one of those times.
I have graciously forgiven my love but I have not forgotten. The Niacin has been shelved. Let my arteries clog; it can’t be any worse than having my blood boil.
It turned out to be a valuable reminder of a fact I have known all my life but which I had forgotten, namely that women can be frightening at the best of times and downright deadly at the worst.
And God help me, I love them so!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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