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Release the Kraken

Updated on November 25, 2010

Kraken were apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, sea monsters inhabiting the icy waters of Norway and Iceland. These days, the onslaught of global warming has decimated kracken populations. A few remaining beasts have found employment cleaning Royal Caribbean cruise ships and stripping zebra mussels from the barnacle encrusted hulls of iron ore cargo ships in the Great Lakes.

Environmental pressures and cultural differences have combined to push kraken populations far from their native lands. Certainly many kraken have carved out new lives for themselves and their families: read on to learn how kracken klans have adapted to this brave new world.

Kraken Go To Hollywood

Several generations of Kraken spawn have found success in the soft glow of Hollywood footlights. Kirk Douglas starred alongside Harvey Kracken in the original remake of Jules Verne's novel 20 Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Mr. Douglas, himself the accomplished father of Katherine Zeta Jone's husband Michael Douglas, was rumored to have suggested that Harvey might have been the best underwater invertebrate personality since Don Knotts amazed us all as The Incredible Mr Limpet.

Many kraken quickly learned that their brute strength and imposing demeanor were a perfect match for a different Hollywood career: they became infomercial stars. Literally millions of kitchen gadgets and household miracle devices were shipped, thanks to the persuasive power of frustrated thespian krakens.

The kraken, released into its' native habitat
The kraken, released into its' native habitat | Source

A Kraken Goes To War

In 1944 a patriotic kraken found work as a submarine in the United States Navy. Built in Wisconsin, floated down the Mississippi River, and eventually seeing active duty on several Pacific fronts, the brave USS Kraken eventually lived out its' useful life as an adjunct to the Spanish Navy. She (all ships are referred to as 'she' even though history is unclear as to the gender of specific kraken) was decommissioned and scrapped in 1982.

The kracken supercomputer
The kracken supercomputer

Kraken Supercomputers

Along with their legendary speed and power, kraken adaptability lends itself to supercomputer technology. The National Institute for Computational Sciences (NICS) in OakRidge, Tennessee, is home to cooperating krakens performing over one thousand trillion calculations a second. These massively parallel beasts execute complex simulations for human researchers.


Leisure Time Kraken

Kraken life is not all public service and self-sacrifice. In their down time, kraken prefer to partake of outdoor activities such as mountain biking. This Carrera Kraken offers levels of durability, handling, and comfort rarely seen on a singletrack. Many years of lurking deep in the depths of the icy North Atlantic have given kraken a unique perspective on riding bicycles on dry land.

The Kraken Unite to Battle Terrorism

Project Kraken leverages the eternal vigilance of kraken culture to maintain watch on the high seas, constantly on the lookout for unusual behavior or activity in maritime environments. A centralized phone number, answered by kraken with highly developed people skills, allows information to be collected and analyzed for then purpose of detecting possible illicit and potentially dangerous happenings.

Information accumulated by Project Kraken is made available to affiliates who choose to join the program. Newsletters and email distribution lists are used to leverage the awesome power of the kraken.

We'd like to show you a picture, but The Hampshire Constabulary takes a dim view of what they consider to be copyright violations. Perhaps they plan to release the Kraken on those who copy their stuff, even in tribute.

AfterMath Kraken Assault Evolution Airsoft Rifle

Kraken may not have fingers in the traditional sense that other creatures with hands actually have fingers, but if they did, they'd certainly be quick to squeeze off a few rounds from this air rifle from a company that manufacturers air rifles. This vulgar device comes complete with 600 rounds of ammunition which should be enough to hold some smaller kraken at bay until reinforcements arrive.

Trident Kraken Hybrid Case for iPad

We imagine that a rainbow of kraken cases for iPads might unleash serious kraken karma. These denizens of the department store provide protection for electronic devices that goes far beyond simple waterproofness and shockproofness. Yes, these cases offer an instant boost to existential well-being that is probably unmatched by any other iPad case named after a mythical marine beast from the North Atlantic. Get a set of Kraken Hybrid Cases for every ipad owner on your gift list, before they become extinct.


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    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @drbj : My bucket list is now shorter.

      @Robwrite : Mr. Kostner extracted his revenge when he portrayed a spineless jellyfish in JFK.

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 7 years ago from Oviedo, FL

      Harvey Kraken lost the Oscar for best underwater performance to Mr. Limpit. How sad for him. But he did beat Kevin Kostner in Waterworld.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      Congratulations, nicomp. You are almost - almost that is - as demented as me!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Stan Fletcher : Thanks for stopping by. The kracken are an underrepresented demographic and need our support.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      I thought this was going to be about underwear stuck in your kracken when I first read the title. After reading it, I was wishing it had been. (rim shot)

      Butt seriously, this was funny and cool. Now GOAP.

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      What stuff? What's "Kraken?"

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Pcunix : Evidently this hub is dedicated to all those who read and don't read my stuff.

    • Pcunix profile image

      Tony Lawrence 7 years ago from SE MA

      I also refuse to comment, because the last time i did NOT comment, you didn't even notice - which was EXTREMELY hurtful, callous and very Krakenish. Now I see why!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Tom Whitworth: Sorry! It wasn't intentional!

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 7 years ago from Moundsville, WV


      I would comment on this hub but I have a rule if you ignor yesterdays comment no comment on todays hub or hubs in your case!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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