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Russian-Sexy Jokes-Humor Jokes-Fun Jokes - Reagan tells Soviet jokes

Updated on February 19, 2015

Monokini - "dotyanut'sya do solnca" english subtitles

Vodka Cure Everything:

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

NASA scientists spent a decade:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Financial Crisis:

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really?
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

I LOVE PEOPLE & CULTURES, THEREFORE THIS HUB IS JUST FOR FUN. NOTHING SERIOUS JUST FUNNY, SO HAVE FUN.

Reagan tells Soviet jokes

You know you're a "nice Russian girl" if...

Your were the only Girl Scout to bring your own sheets to camp

You have a set of “home” clothes that you change into after school/work

All the Russian boys you know are alcoholic, chauvinist, arrogant, materialistic, computer programmers, but you’re still trying!

Your parents are waiting for a nice Russian-Jewish doctor…but they’ll take an American lawyer just the same!

As far as you parents are concerned, you still don’t know where babies come from

You know the dirt on every Russian person your age in a ten mile radius (even if you haven’t met them)

Your mother calls you on a daily basis to make sure you’re dressed warmly and eating well

You hair is either black, curly, frizzy, or all of the above (note, this mostly applies to the "nice Russian-Jewish" girls) clearly Russian-Russian girls have all sorts of straight brown/blond/red hair

Your house permanently smells like kasha

You offer all of you guests tea, regardless of season or time of day

All the grandmothers you know or just met try to set you up with a nice Russian boy from a wonderful family

You don't sit next to that girl in the cafeteria because your grandmother told your mother that her father's ex-girlfriend is a loose woman and you never know how kids in that kind of family can turn out (so bad!)

The words "I love you" pale in comparison to "ya tebya lublu"

The pet names lastatchka, solnushko, and krasavetsa are so much better than honey and sweetie!

Whenever your room gets messy you see your mom shaking her head in disbelief and saying "ti devotchka!"

You STILL worry about sitting on cold surfaces because as a child you were told it would make you infertile

You thinking showing up to someone's house for dinner (or any occasion for that matter) empty-handed is a criminal offense

russian funny video

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Briton "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

Reagan tells Soviet jokes, pt .2

Lecture about love (with pictures)

Announcement in the Soviet Union village: "Lecture about love (with pictures)". All the countrymen gathered in the village club.
Lecturer: Love can be between a man and a woman...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: Also love can be between a man and a man...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: Besides love can be between a woman and a woman...
Countrymen: Pictures! Pictures!
Lecturer: And finally there is love for our country, Soviet Union... And now the pictures!

Funny Russian Kids

I GUESS YOU ARE RUSSIAN BECAUSE…….

♥ Russian people like to buy expensive cars.

♥ No matter you drink or not content level of Vodka in their blood is permanent.
♥ You are crazy about leather outfits, weather doesn't matter.
♥ Friday or Saturday night are having fun with friends.
♥ Your most favorite love song in Russia is Track 1 of the New York Underground Party Volume 3 CD.
♥ You can't live without partying, cell phone, and food.
♥ Common method of communications in class room is text messaging in Russian.
♥ Your parents party with your friend's parents.
♥ People use your connections to buy cheap stuff.
Blyat and nahuy words are used most frequently in daily conversations.
♥ You know Nokia's new model months before they are in the market
♥ You don't mind family get-togethers because you know the grandmas will be making dinner
♥ You know all the cops by their first names.
♥ You have a relative who is either in Russian Mafia or an ex employee of the KGB.
♥ People can identify you by the smell of scent (D&G or Aqua de Gio cologne).
♥ Playing strip durak at the last party you went you met your the girl friend.
♥ You have more than 20 speeding, red light, stop sign tickets but there is no record of it in Harrisburg.
♥ Everyone in your friends or family circle has a Ruchka or Smirnoff in their trunk.
♥ Saturday morning when you wake up you see your car in the parking but you don't remember who give you ride home because you can't even walk. (you drove home yourself).
♥ You think mixing bread with vodka is a good combination.

♥ Most of the girls you know are Olga’s, Anna’s, Natasha’s and Vikas

♥ Your license plate is personalized.

♥ You ride in the last train car When you are going to downtown.

♥ Friday/Saturday night phone calls to your friends starts with "So what are we doing tonight?"

♥ You got your fake International Driving License through a friend who goes to Kingsborough.

♥ You always wear your gold chains and bracelets, when you go to the gym.

♥ Some English words like "use, shop, apply, and etc." permanently become a part of your conversational speech and they start conjugating according to Russian language rules.

Максим - Нежность [English subtitles]

Russian reversal (joke)

Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.

"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"

"Yes, I do a little."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"

"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."

"Do you drink?"

"Yes, a little."

"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."

"Then I shall cease drinking."

"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"

"A little...."

"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"

"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."

"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"

"Of course. Who needs such life?"

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    Satanas 

    7 years ago

    I am russian, and find this very cruel.

    But I think it's funny :D

    In russia, We do not only drink vodka, haha

    love the sense of humore :D

    Spasiba

    -Alli

  • profile image

    canuk 

    7 years ago

    In Canada, we also change after school.

    I cannot believe how close our two countries are!

    Drive on the same side, shopping centres, your country is beautiful and I would love to visit one day.

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Ochen khorosho Gennifer,

    It's not only in Russia that people have set of “home” clothes they change into after school/work.

    I noticed this tradition in Thailand & India during my visits. I don't know if this is practiced in other countries too.

    Spasiba paka

  • Gennifer profile image

    Gennifer 

    8 years ago from Minsk, Belarus

    vse horosho! a y tebja kak dela? ;)

    yeah, you are right; I also laughed at the statement: You have a set of “home” clothes that you change into after school/work... That's really true... :)

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Kakdila Gennifer,

    Thanks for the visit, which statements you saw yourself fit in? I know you are talking about......

    Whenever your room gets messy you see your mom shaking her head in disbelief and saying "ti devotchka!"....hahaha

    I appreciate for your wondrful comments. Please come again. Paka

  • Gennifer profile image

    Gennifer 

    8 years ago from Minsk, Belarus

    A really great hub! I saw myself in many statements and laughed. Very nice hub! ;)

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Welcome dinkan53,

    Thanks for the comments, I love Russian, people, culture & language. Good night.

  • dinkan53 profile image

    dinkan53 

    8 years ago from India

    good jokes (Nu y Ruskiy shutky vesilo bilo, cpocibo)

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Hi pretty woman,

    Thanks for coming again, you are always welcome. Good night

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 

    8 years ago from US

    this is so hilarious, I came to read again, Maita

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Kakdila dessm,

    Thanks for your comments & bringing to my knowledge about Vodka use & real Russian people. Are you sure three is not enough.......hahaha.

    Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • dessm profile image

    dessm 

    8 years ago

    Russian proverb: For a real Russian one bottle of vodka is a lot, two bottles of vodka is just right but three bottles of vodka is not enough.

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Kumustaka pretty,

    Thanks for the boring comments.....hahaha. I am just fine Madam, I guess it is rest of the world that is falling apart....hahaha. Enjoy rest of your weekend.

  • prettydarkhorse profile image

    prettydarkhorse 

    8 years ago from US

    nice to smile un this boring am hehe, Thank you SIR, How are you BTW, Maita

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Thanks Amber,

    You are right and I think the same way too. It is always nice to hear from you. Have a wonderful weekend.

  • Amber Allen profile image

    Amber Allen 

    8 years ago

    Great hub! Humour transcends borders and shows how similar we are.

    Amber:0

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Welcome entertianmentplus ,

    Thanks for viewing & commenting on my hub.

  • entertianmentplus profile image

    entertianmentplus 

    8 years ago from United States

    Funny hub..

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Hi moo,

    You are right I think Russians are cool.

  • profile image

    moo 

    8 years ago

    russians r cool

  • Mr Nice profile imageAUTHOR

    Mr Nice 

    8 years ago from North America

    Welcome bgamall,

    Thanks for viewing & commenting on my hub.

  • bgamall profile image

    Gary Anderson 

    8 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

    Sounds like Russians have more fun than Americans. Lol.

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