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Santa Loves this Mailbox... Maybe Too Much
I'm just overacting: this is a perfectly normal... holiday mailbox
Happy Christmas Indeed - But is that really holiday cheer?
The first and last time I saw this mailbox was a few years back on a drive across country from Florida to California. It was late November so the timing at least felt appropriate.
But I guess that was the only thing appropriate about a mailbox that gives an overt impression of Santa Claus having too much fun in all the wrong ways.
Everything you could ever dread in a holiday-themed mailbox
Perhaps we should dread a holiday-themed mailbox just for being holiday-themed. How does a mailbox like this go with the other eleven months of the year? To answer that question, I tried making up a few explanations on my own for keeping a Christmas-themed mailbox up year-round:
- "The spirit lasts beyond the season..."
- "I keep Christmas in my heart all year round..."
- "I love Santa Claus and, by God, I want him on my mailbox..."
But these explanations fall flat when I recall the image of Jolly Old Saint Nick clamping his robust thighs tightly round this aluminum mail receptacle. Happy Fourth of July at the Fergusson's just doesn't feel as Happy-Fourthy with this old perv sitting on the curb, if you catch my drift.
So, let's forget about coming up with reasons for keeping this mailbox up year-round. Instead, here's a list of things that disturb me about this mailbox in order of what I find most disturbing to what I find, well, equally disturbing. Feel free to add to the list in the comments:
- Santa is hugging the mailbox too close to his happy parts
- The red flag is erect with jubilation
- I can't tell if Santa wants to drive a race car or, well, spoon a mailbox
- I'm not sure how Saint Nicholas would feel about this portrayal
- I do believe this particular Santa may be more sinner than saint
- Santa Claus isn't real and therefore isn't the person who puts the presents under my Christmas tree
- Mailboxes aren't supposed to be this interesting
- Why am I aroused?
Where is the Santa we all know and love? I like my Santa to be scary...
But scary doesn't mean mailbox perv, does it?
We all know the real Santa is a badass. So if you are going to craft a Santa-themed mailbox, why not do it in the spirit of the avant-garde, warrior-fantasy art so beautifully rendered by some of Jolly Nick's most brooding and fastidious admirers (just search for "Warrior Santa" in Google to see what I mean)? Here are a few mailbox concepts that, if realized, would make mailbox-perv Santa look like a chump:
- Santa astride Rudolf the Fire-Nose, whilst wielding a javelin whose blade is shaped tastefully like the Star of David
- Santa, slayer of the Rebel Elven Hordes (how to depict this on a mailbox, I'm not quite sure)
- Santa holding aloft the head of the Medusa (I have no idea why, but wouldn't this be cool?)
Or, dare I suggest it: maybe just a rendition of Santa Claus in his sleigh driven by reindeer on top of a mailbox? I mean, that would be truer to form than, I don't know, Santa squeezing a mailbox with his thighs.
But what do I know?
Something along these lines would've made more sense, right?
I guess the ultimate question here is: what person in their half-right mind would allow this mailbox to decorate their curb in December, much less during the other eleven months of the year? I'm not sure. Maybe the mailbox has its fan-base and I'm just being overly critical.
I suppose, at the end of the day, when it's all said and done, when you get right to it, when you drill down to the sap and taste sweet Christmas honey...
It's really the holiday spirit that counts, however you go about getting into it.
And if you're the type of person who just really likes Christmas and mailboxes, then maybe this is the perfect combo for you.
Happy mailbox hunting this holiday season (just make sure you have a mailbox hunting license).
P.S. You can find this happy holiday mailbox right here if it suits your Christmas fancy.