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Scott's Odyssey On the Other Side
Light at the End of the Tunnel by Pam Amos
I gazed at them, but I didn't really see them. The drugs made my mind a swimming mess of ideas and emotions. I knew them, I could feel their uneasiness. I was in a lot of pain, and I welcomed the fog that came from the drugs. I tried to stay awake and be as clear as possible, but for the first time in my life, I was confused about what was happening. My family was saying something about Chemotherapy.
The hospital room was your typical stark unwelcoming place. There were windows, but I did not feel the urge to look out anymore. Something was slipping away from me. I can't imagine how people who are on medication or do a lot of drugs understand anything in their life. Everything seems like a blur. My breath was getting heavier. This was becoming a grave concern of mine. I felt split, maybe how a psychotic person feels, that I was two distinct people. One was suffering a grave amount of pain, and the other was a far away observer as if he knew it all. Now the sleep was coming again,and it was too powerful for me to resist. I wanted it too, like it was my new favorite thing. My body was becoming the heaviest it has ever been.
When I slipped into sleep I saw my mother sitting on the bed with me. My mother had been dead for ten years or so. I reached for her but she did not reach for me, but just smiled and was there as if she was waiting for me. Then it would go black and I had to struggle to breath. The breathing was too hard. I felt like I was struggling against my body, trying to make it work better. In my life my body alway worked for me, mostly. I mean I used my body a lot throughout my life. I was a good athlete, I built fences and was always outside doing something constructive. So to struggle against it was a foreign feeling. The breathing, was something desperately wrong? I just wanted to go home with my wife, back to our desert home. Why was I here, something about my blood? Why was I hooked up to so many wires. I tried to take them out and sit up with my eyes closed. What in the hell is going on?
I had to leave one way or another. Am I dying? Yes, I heard a voice say. It was like a distant voice talking to me quietly. Yes I am dying.
This could not be. I have my family here with me. They are right here, but I could not raise my head and look at them or say anything. I could not say goodbye.
All of sudden I was watching myself breath so hard in the hospital bed, and I was not doing well. My wife, Sue was there right by my side. Oh No!!! What is going on? I could not leave her. Oh Sue, you have gone through so much this year, oh sweetheart I am sorry. I love you. I was watching everything happen as a far away observer, but I could feel, see and hear everything. My son, Joe was talking to the doctor about what to do next. They knew that I didn't want any machines or anything to revive me.
"No resuscitate" said my daughter to Joe and Sue. She knew that I was leaving a long time ago. Kori knew the tradition of my family. That my grandmother walked out of her rest home when she was in her 70's and visited each one of her children and then died at the last child's home. My mother called each one of her children at odd hours to speak to them one last time before she fell asleep and died. They did not say one word about their impending death and it was unclear if they knew consciously themselves or if it was an unconsious knowing. Kori knew because of her knowledge of these stories and the feeling she got from me the last time I saw her. She was aware of this meloncholy I displayed. When she found out that I was in the hospital she knew but she did not accept it, hoping that she was wrong.
Each one took their turn as leader of this terrible ordeal. When one broke down with emotion the other would step forward and take the lead. They were a beautiful symphony of music that I cherished so much. Our dynamic as a family was almost unreal. We had evolved to place of bliss like a great song you could listen to over and over. We enjoyed each other immensely, but maybe our lessons were over with each other. All great things live and die, the enjoyment had ended. And because I loved them so much I did not want to do it anymore. It hurt too much. I did all I could do here on this Earth. I had to leave because watching their despair was too hard and as I drifted around I could feel a light or pull of something so inviting, my forgetful nature was fading and I was remembering something. It was too much to refuse. I could not see the incredible energy that was pulling at me, but it was like a pull from somewhere you forgot. Now my soul seemed to awake and direct me- it was an inner pull and there was no darkness.
I could feel the presence of my mother, but I could not see her. Her smell and voice seemed to linger on my tongue. I was in a bright tunnel that seemed to be made just for me, their were images passing me, all of the moments seem to flash instantly infront of my sight, but it wasnt' like watching a movie. I was feeling the good things and the laughter, and the love that happened on Earth like a collage hitting your heart, wrapping itself around you and carrying you to the other side. I felt grace and a deep wealth of care by the people that I knew. I started to feel that I had accomplished something in my journey, that it was not pointless road that I traveled. I was not walking, but I was moving just the same. My mind was clear and my senses were increasing as every minute passed. The light did begin to shine as I moved through the tunnel and it was so inviting that I consciously openned myself more to it. Somehow I knew I could look directly into the brightness- but it was not like brightness I had ever experienced on Earth. It was like looking at the sun but with eyes that could see directly into the source of the explosions on the sun- nothing hurt. And something in me turned on, like a light switch I was different, something released and let go of me. It was the veil of hurt, disappointment and regret, it slipped away like it never existed. I felt like I could fly to different galaxies- I was free, light and endless.
"Lynn? Can you hear me?" her voice was so wonderful to hear. I loved this woman and I fell into her arms, like I did when I was child, so comforting and loving.
"Hi mom." and she hugged me like everyone wants to be hugged, like you are the most important thing in the universe, and their is no one else but you. And something so blissfu and serene encompasses us both, as if some higher and full of love embraced us both.
I awake in my bed that is familar. I look around and it is a house I built that was on a river in Florida. Oh good, I thought something crazy happened like I died, but I thought we moved to Arizona.
"Sue I am up. Sue? Where are you?" as I said this I remembered the dream I had about my mom, and the hospital and my family so upset. I walked out to the kitchen and there was no one around. All the colors seemed so brilliant, not how my house actually was in Florida. Usually my feet would stick to the floor because of the humidity, but that didn't happen. I did not feel lonely for Sue, but wanted her because she is just someone I like to be around. I went directly outside and stepped onto my big yard. It was bright brilliant green, which it never was before. The sky was an aqua-violiet dark blue. I heard buzzing which should be my bees that I kept on the side of the house. I had no neighbors, but only orchards as far as the eye could see. Wow!! Those would be great to work on I thought to myself. I saw someone walking through the grape orchards and I started to walk towards them.
"Lynn? Are you there?" my mother's voice said quietly and clearly.
"Yes." I answered with my voice out loud.
"I am coming towards you in the orchard. Do you see me?" she asked.
"Yes. I am on my way to you now." I answered again out loud. My mother speaks to my mind and I can see her in the distance. All of sudden she is beside me, not way off in the orchard.
"How are you doing son?" she says outloud to me. She looks about 30 something, dressed in white and just damn beautiful. I never saw her like this on Earth. Then the truth hit me hard. I was not in the Earth-Florida, I was in some other
"I am dead, right?" I asked.
"Yes Lynn, you are, but you know that it is not really the end, right? This is just a shift from one way of existing to another." she said softly.