ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing

A Humorous Story about Secretly Painting Landscaping

Updated on April 18, 2013

Painting the Yard

It was something done in the cover of darkness after the neighbors had retreated from the muggy evening heat to their air-conditioned living rooms and prime-time viewing. It was not something to be conducted during daylight, and it has been kept secret - until now.

Perhaps we humans enjoy displaying our strange behaviors - or perhaps we all possess an inner desire to come clean; regardless, I’ve chosen as my column topic to display our “dirty little secret” and openly confess to the citizens of the world.

My husband and I have painted our dead yews green.

The whole episode started early this spring when five yews were planted in front of our home. According to the county ag agent in charge of yews, the planting was done correctly, and because the yews were container grown bushes, three of them just died.

Funds were low and the season late when we realized there was no hope for the struggling bushes. Two of the smaller yews remained healthy and green, but the three larger bushes turned a sickly yellowish brown. Soon, all green disappeared from their needles. They stood, three lifeless and barren bushes in a line along the front of the house with the two lush, green yews.

Our choices were limited: pull up the dead yews and have gaping holes in the line of bushes or leave the brown yews alone - a stark symbol of our failure as horticulturists.

Then my ever clever husband hit upon a third option - spray paint the brownish yellow yews green. And thus our plans for The Painting began.

We realized such a scheme would be deemed tacky by most, so it was decided The Painting would occur in the cover of darkness, at about 22 hundred hours. A trip to an out-of-town store for the spray paint would be necessary. After all, what if a friendly local store clerk, in her desire to be helpful, would ask us what the goods were for? To announce in one’s small home town the planned purpose would surely bring embarrassment upon our household. So the trip to an impersonal store in another town was scheduled.

The plan was being carried off flawlessly when a hitch developed at the impersonal store. My husband and I stood in the spray paint aisle examining the varied hues of green.

“Here’s a green I think sounds perfect,” I exclaimed, pointing to a can of Forest Green with a satin finish. “This ‘Forest’ color sounds promising.”

My husband, however, was clutching his own can with a green lid. “This is on sale!” he exclaimed excitedly. “I think it’s a perfect match!”

I took the can from him, looking at the lid and color description. “It’s Kelly green! And what’s worse, it’s a gloss. We don’t want the yews to shine. No, this satin finish is a much better choice.”

My husband’s eyes rolled toward the ceiling. I could see he was computing the monetary difference between the paints. After a few seconds, the financial result was announced. “The Forest Green will cost us 30 cents more. Since we don’t even know if this will work, I think we should save the money.”

I’m a penny pincher at heart, and my husband knows that. For the savings of 30 cents, his paint choice won, and we left for home with a can of glossy Kelly Green.

That evening, after sunset, we snuck out to the front yard, flashlight and Kelly Green in tow. The Painting was done quickly, and in a matter of minutes our dead yews looked green and vibrant. It was a triumph of paint technology.

I don’t know what our neighbors thought when they awoke the next morning to find our yews miraculously recovered overnight. Perhaps they guessed from the start. There were, after all, clues. The spray-painted yews were slightly darker and bluer than the real yews. The dirt around the painted yews was the same color as the yews. And the worst part, the painted yews shone like newly waxed cars in the sun.

You may drive by and look at our dead yews if you would like. If the sun is shining, you will need your sunglasses for optimum viewing.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • agilitymach profile image
      Author

      Kristin Kaldahl 5 years ago

      Mythbuster, unfortunately, this was written about 18 years ago, and I no longer live in that house. I cheated a bit and the yews in this picture are my current yews in front of my current house. These survived much better than the dead ones. I'm sorry there are no pics of the actual yews. They were pretty funny looking and really did shine. :)

    • mythbuster profile image

      mythbuster 5 years ago from Utopia, Oz, You Decide

      Haha! Talk about creative problem-solving! I would love to see more pictures of your yews. Will you be able to post more pictures?

    • agilitymach profile image
      Author

      Kristin Kaldahl 5 years ago

      Thank you xstatic!!!!

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 5 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Welcome to HP! Really funny and creative Hub!

    • agilitymach profile image
      Author

      Kristin Kaldahl 5 years ago

      Thank you!!! I'm still learning. It's been fun though. :)

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 5 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      By the way, Welcome to HubPages!!!!!

    • agilitymach profile image
      Author

      Kristin Kaldahl 5 years ago

      Thank you so much Patty! And, possibly unfortunately, true. :)

    • Patty Kenyon profile image

      Patty Kenyon 5 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

      LOL, That is funny!!!! Very Clever too!!!!

    • agilitymach profile image
      Author

      Kristin Kaldahl 5 years ago

      Thank you!!! The spray paint worked pretty well that summer, but, of course, the needles eventually fell off. :)

    • profile image

      JustCrafty 5 years ago

      I love this hub, It is easy to visualize you doing this and the look on the neighbor face in the daytime would be priceless.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)