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Self-help Satire; How To Kick Your Own Ass

Updated on August 5, 2015

Would you buy my book?

Myself, and every other breathing human seems to be adequately qualified to write a self-help book. IF I did it would be titled "How To Kick Your Own Ass", because essentially that's what self-help is. You assume you need help and before you know it, you've read your first self-help book, opening your eyes up to how truly screwed up you never knew you were. Now you have to read 50 more books!

Some self-help books are helpful, but that's because the author is charismatic and the topics and advice are ones that already reflect our point of views and thoughts. Not many address the real issue with our society- We know more and do less. Self-help books are basically pep-talks, some get it some don't.

For your entertainment, here is a list of self-help books, and my version of them!

Caution: Self-help books aren't what they seem

Thoughts and Feelings by Matthew McKay- Things you should suppress if you want to stay married and keep your job.

So...Why Aren't You Perfect Yet? by Michael Popkin- A Hollywood handbook to plastic surgery or more realistically the question my dad keeps asking me and the reason I'm so screwed up in the first place.

The 4-hour Workweek by Timothy Ferris- Dream on.

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay by Mira Kirsehnbaum- The way I've felt about going to the theater and seeing new movies in the last 5 years.

The Pleasure Prescription by Paul Pearsall- I think that's called Viagra or a big glass of wine.

How To Pee Standing Up by Anna Skinner- A guide for feminists and my toddler boy whom I am currently potty training (we're still working on pointing down).

Couple Skills; Making Your Relationship Work by Matthew McKay- Hmmm. I thought my relationship was already work.

Getting More by Stuart Diamond- The single guys' guide to dating.

When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner- Come on, you must have done something to deserve it. Ever hear of karma?!

Simple Abundance by Sarah Breathnach- Isn't that an oxy-moron? I'm actually looking for Extravagant Scarcity.

How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie- Obama's favorite book, right next to "How To Deceive People Without Them Knowing" and "How To Ruin THe Economy Without Taking Responsibility".

People of The Lie by Gregory Peck- A guide for politicians.

Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins- A guide for every video game enthusiast.

The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner- Sounds naughty, but I bet more of whatever it is would improve your relationship.

It's Not Him, It's You by Laura Berman- Excuse me? Rule number one, it's always him. After you read this book, you can read "Why Is It Always About You?" by Sandy Hotchkiss, which explains it's not actually about you. Confused yet?

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne - What if you have a fear of books, Bibliophobia? Besides who needs a book when there are so many pills available for your anxiety? Added note: Here's an interesting phobia; Blennophobia, the fear of slime.

Love For No Reason by Marcie Shimoff - A memoir of Woodstock and how to be a hippie. Please note: Marijuana and Ecstasy sold separately.

Getting Things Done by David Allen- What you could be doing if you weren't sitting around reading self-help books.

Common Sense Rebellion by Bruce Levine- I know more than a few people who must have read this book and truly took it to heart. Let's just say they're rebelling against basic common sense- I think they're called idiots.

Thoughts Without a Thinker by Mark Epstein- For all the blondes in our lives.

Thank You and You're Welcome by Kanye West- Things you should have learned in pre-school or things Kanye should've learned in pre-school. I don't think he said Thank you to Taylor Swift when he grabbed the mic from her.

Using Your Brain For a Change by Richard Bandler- A book exclusively for men. Oh wait, that one is "Using Your Other Brain For a Change".

What Got You Here Won't Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith- Wait, what?!. Maybe the book "Be Here Now" by Ram Dass will help me get here by tomorrow and be there by yesterday. OK, where the hell am I now?

101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married by Charlie Bloom- Is that it? Because I can think of at least 200 right off the top of my head. The sequel to this book should be "Why I still Got Married Even Though I Knew Those 101 Things".

Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky- Duh! They don't have a mortgage and their children are reared by age 3.

Radical Self-forgiveness Practices by a dude named Colin Tipping- Awesome, totally tubular, ways to forgive yourself for something righteously bogus. Expect the sequel out later this year, written by Bill and Ted of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"- titled "Awesome Awareness".

The Last Self-help book you'll ever need by Paul Pearsall- Well, that's a relief. It's my going away present to the funny farm.

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schesslinger- Get a dog and read a puppy manual. It's easier and basically the same rules apply.

Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson- Do I detect a bit of OCD? I'd be a little less concerned about your cheese and figure out why you're reading a book about it. That's the real issue here.

What Color Is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles- Who the hell cares as long as it works?

Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert Klyosaki- Is this a trick question? If my dad was rich, I wouldn't have to buy this stupid book and I could call myself Paris HIlton.

The Four Agreements of Love by Miguel Ruiz- 1. You stay on your side of the bed and I'll stay on mine, 2. Don't forget my birthday or anniversary, 3. Never look better than me.

The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene- Employee handbook for electric company trainees.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene- I'm thinking Elizabeth Taylor should have written this book because she's managed to bag 8 husbands.

ALL "Dummies" and "Complete Idiots" Guides - This doesn't technically apply to me because I'm only a partial idiot. The truth is I still can't grasp most of the topics after reading the damn books. Is there a "Manual For Morons"? I know from experience that you'll need a self-help book to repair your dignity and self-esteem after reading the Idiot's Guides.

How You Feel Is Up To You by Gary McKay- This requires 278 pages to tell me that? Is what I eat for dinner up to me too?

The Road Less Traveled by Gregory Peck- Where is it because I'm sick and tired of the traffic?

The Life I've Always Wanted by John Ortberg- Can I read some more self-help books to help me figure out what life I want.

Think Like a Shrink by Emanual Rosen- How to be a bore at dinner parties and make $200 an hour sitting around listening to people bitch.

Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy - Ways to get into a college fraternity.

Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide To Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy, and Stupid by Denis Leary- Finally, no B.S. This one is the real deal!


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