Senior Citizen Clean Jokes Funny Pictures Funny Videos
I am just a curious guy...
Senior Citizen Clean Jokes
A senior citizen was arrested for shoplifting. When she was taken before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen. The old woman replied, " Just a can of peaches."
T that point the judge then asked her why she had stolen the can. She said, "She was hungry and she didn't have any money with her because she forgot her wallet at home." The judge then asked her how many peaches were there in the can. She replied, "Only Nine." The judge said, "Well then, you are going to jail for nine days."
The old woman's husband was in the audience and he raised his hand and asked if he can say something. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to say?" The husband said, "Your honor, it was not only the can of Peaches, she also stole a can of peas."
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing." --Michael Pritchard
Billie Jean Dancing Senior Citizens
"Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week." --Maggie Kuhn
An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"
"Age doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese." - Senior citizen doesn't means end of life...
An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, but cut each one into four pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Buying a Volkswagen from an old lady...
CARE FOR THE ELDERLY
A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital
"How are you grandpa?" He asks
"Feeling fine" says the old man
What's the food like?
"Terrific, wonderful menus"
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Well everybody deserves fun some times..................."Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking, 'What happened?'" --Ann Landers
Funny Senior Moments
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
I've Sure Gotten Old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
We need to keep seniors busy....
Funny can't get old.
"Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul." --Douglas MacArthur