ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Short Story: A Letter Not To You

Updated on September 13, 2012

Connor,

I don't know if you've realised it or not, but things aren't the same between us. I'm not the same. I don't know if you've recognised the sharp tongue that points at you in the texts that I now seldom send to you, or the ice in my eyes whenever you're around me. You probably haven't; I've never really been one to show anger - true anger - towards you. Then again, if I had, would you have realised it anyway?

If you have noticed these things, did you care? Did it bother you like it would have bothered me? I'm doubtful since it's since occurred to me that I took all the responsibility for our friendship, and you none.

It's almost as though I can hear you saying, "What the hell are you talking about?" as I write this. I wish I could tell you face to face, but you make such a thing impossible. I know that even if I was to send this to you, you wouldn't see the big deal I'm making. But it is a big deal. To me, it's a very big deal.

I have never tried to deny the fact that to me you are family. Look back.

Remember the good times. We were so close. You were my best friend, the twin I never had. I loved you almost as much as I love my own brother. I thought we had a special bond that nobody would ever understand but us. I mean, you trusted me first with your true self, and although I may have sometimes gone too far with the teasing as to whom you possessed feelings for, I also made it clear to you that I was there for you. But Connor, the thing that hurts me most is that I can think of so many moments where I've been there for you...yet none where you were really there for me.

I'm angry. The past two years of pain and upset have caught up with me. The dam has broken, and now I find myself seething whenever I see you or hear from you. I know it's probably petty in your eyes, but it's a spear in each of mine. If you were a piece of paper I would rip you to shreds and throw in the bin. But you're not a piece of paper. You're a person. You were supposed to be my friend.

To me, a friend is someone who you can rely on, who won’t keep putting you down – won’t keep hurting you. You’ve put me down so many times, whether it was intentionally or not, and now I can’t help but resent you. Don’t say that I never mentioned anything to you; remember that Maths lesson? That lesson where Megan taunted me for deciding to pursue writing? You joined in. The two of you told me that I would amount to nothing, that I’d end up working in Tesco or something – that I’d be a failure. You knew I was going to counselling. You knew that I called myself a failure every day. Because to me, if I didn’t get A grades, I’d failed.

I’m a perfectionist. And you just helped me drag myself down.

Do you know how many times I thought myself responsible for our friendship? I never realised it at the time, but now my eyes are open. I remember how close we were and then suddenly I was watching you be close to Imy like we had been. It hurt. I thought I must have done something wrong. Remember you thought I was needy? I was needy. I needed you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright. You were supposed to be my best friend. My twin. Family. I needed you, yet you were only interested in holding her. Was it because she’s smarter than me? Don’t get me wrong, I love Imy to bits, but I still felt jealous. It’s funny how I felt comfortable telling her that, but not you.

I think of when we finally hit 18 – we could go out clubbing. I loved it. I’d invite you; you were still my best friend even if I was no longer yours. You’d ask me the day before we would actually be going out how I was getting there and back, and if you could get there with me. Connor, didn’t you realise the first time that you would have to start asking me more in advance? It was one particular night which really made me open my eyes to how you were practically using me and blaming me. That night when I was getting ready at Katrina’s and was going to stay over at hers. Remember how you’d left it until the day before to ask me how could you get there and back, and I went through all that trouble of looking at train and bus times. Hell, Connor, I was going to walk all the way from one side of town to the other to meet you, and then walk with you to the other end to where the clubs were. Just for you. I had told you the two options of getting home, yet you still blamed me when your parents wouldn’t let you go.

It wasn’t my fault!

It was then that it hit me. Why didn’t you ask Imy, or Paul, or someone other than me? That’s really the thing that bothers me. Why was I responsible for it all?

Since then, every little thing that I had just ignored over the past two years has risen to the surface, and the fact that you haven’t even noticed the difference in atmosphere between us points to two different conclusions: either you are too busy thinking about yourself to realise, or you simply don’t care or don’t see it as a big deal. What upsets me the most is that it’s most probably the latter.

I feel like all I’ve done in this friendship is give give give, and you have done all the taking. I know that I’m useless at being on time, but it can’t boil down to just that. After all, Imy is even tardier than I am.

Which brings me to another conclusion: do you just think I’m not good enough to be your best friend anymore? Am I ‘demoted’ perhaps?

If you do ever read this, don’t decide to talk to me about it. It doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want that ‘promotion’ anymore. I don’t want you to keep your promise to stay in touch. All I want now is to lose this anger and carry on with my life with dignity and become the best person I can be.

And I cannot do that with you in my life.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • cmiller0161 profile imageAUTHOR

      Claire Miller 

      6 years ago

      Thank you, Richard. I'm really glad you enjoyed it :)

    • Richard Craig profile image

      Richard Craig 

      6 years ago from England

      It's not very often I come across a short story that keeps me interested right until the end but you managed it here. It was well balanced and I felt the varying emotions running through it. I enjoyed it and thumbed up!

    • cmiller0161 profile imageAUTHOR

      Claire Miller 

      6 years ago

      A person on my blog (ibitthepiranha.blogspot.com) said the same thing. I guess no matter who it is - whether it's a partner, friend or family member - it's still something that's really upsetting, because they've hurt you, and you trusted them.

    • efeyas profile image

      Elizabeth 

      6 years ago from Some Sunny Beach, USA

      You sound like me only this letter would not have been addressed to a friend. A loved one perhaps, once upon a time.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)