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Showing Some Grudge: A Dark Poem
Just Trying to Stay Alive: Rest in Peace Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington
This poem was written after spending my weekend listening to bands like; Tool, Linkin Park, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and NIN.
As everyone knows by now, in these past few months, we have lost two great musicians of two bands I mentioned above; Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. They were extremely talented musicians with more demons to fight than even their families were aware of, both sadly deciding to end their lives. Chris hung himself on May 18, 2017 and in a state of depression that no one could have imagined, Chester Bennington followed his friend in the same manner, ironically, on Chris Cornell's birthday July 20, 2017.
The sad events have thrown me also in a state of depression lately. Not only am I a die-hard alternative-rock fan, I too suffer from this incurable disease. It is an unforgiving demon that will sneak up on you and destroy with no remorse. God, I hope I can keep my fight going, and I hope anyone out there that knows this, at times paralyzing sickness, will continue to keep finding reasons to live.
And I'm lost behind the words I'll never find. And I'm left behind as seasons roll on by...
— Chris CornellI Was Off to My Dark World Today: Explaining My Inspiration for This Particular Poem
As I mentioned above, I too have this side of me that is dark and down. I think all who suffer from depression without control, go off to the parts of themselves that hurt the most from current or past issues. For me, it's actually been several things; bullying, being an outcast, and my biggest hurtful hurdle to get over has been not ever feeling good enough for someone to love completely. It's been my experience; I just don't fit in. Although I don't like to admit it, I get lonely sometimes which unfortunately, tends to dig up the old bones of love abandonment. As I was listening to some really sad songs, one stuck out in-particular and sent me on my journey of cleansing, which is through my poetry. And so, I will post the song and my poem here for anyone who would like to indulge themselves into my dark world.
Thanks for the Inspiration NIN...
The Grudge
I'm falling down the orifice of darkness, where I have hung my bonnet
before…not once, or twice, only a merely million times galore.
It was you that sends me on a free fall again; hitting on the thorns
of your dead promises.
And as I make my maddening descend I will once again halt, pulling
myself up for a bit of revenge.
(continued)
Crawling out and becoming she; that one of me that you cannot unsee.
To feed my reborn demon side, I’ll hold onto your fake love lies.
You, I now hate, with your stupid views of how true love should properly
ensue.
Never deserving of my wisdom insights, or my pretty poses, which
gave you eye candy delight.
(continued)
Miss me, you will, because you at no time again shall see, that part of me
so light and free.
I’m dark as night now, the lies of disgust, finally broke through and toughened
me back up.
And please, don’t ever think I’m going to forgive; make that mistake
and you will witness my sin.
THE END...
Fighting the Demons; Depression, and for Some - Addiction
© 2017 Missy Smith
Comments
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First, I would like to apologize to everyone for not being here to read comments or to visit your pages and read. I have been struggling with several different responsibilities, and also some emotional drain, as my poems have probably conveyed.
Hello, Venkat, yes you have told me about your son before, and I can totally relate to his feelings. I also am very aware that others will never know or understand how fighting this disease is sometimes the hardest thing to do. I feel he is doing a great thing by sharing his wisdom of his experiences with his depression, and I'm sure he is helping others cope by sharing his turmoils. When we share, no matter how we share, we are trying to reach out to the world and specifically the people who need to know they are not alone in the fight. Thanks so much, Venkat, for sharing this with me. :)
Thank you, Gypsy, I do seem to have a more progressive niche to darkness when it comes to my poetry. I attempt to lighten the mood at times, but I usually gravitate back here. I'm glad you liked this one. :)
It is very nice to make your acquaintance here Ryan Fuller, and I appreciate the feedback on my poetry. :)
Hey Bill! Yes, I think writers do tend to hold on to things. However, expression through our work really does help us live with what we can't forget. As always, I treasure your friendship, your stories, and your views on life. I hope to have time to visit your page soon. I have been holding out, because when I go to read, I want to be able to read without distraction. A busy schedule has hindered me from doing that lately. Thanks Again!
Hey Jodah! I know it is difficult to relate to my work as someone who knows what I go through if you don't go through it yourself, but you certainly get me as a person and my visions through my poetry. As I told Bill, I'm trying to get time to come here and read some of my friends work without distractions. I'm typing these comments so fast right now that I hope they make sense. I have a good deal to do on this Friday, just so, maybe, I won't have a lot to think about through the weekend. However, my daughter told me last night that I would be helping her design and put together her posters for Junior class president over this weekend. *sigh* Don't give up on me. I love to read your articles and poetry. I will be back when I can. :) Thanks!
WB, I think there are probably more pampered children than complete idiots. Although, our current president seems to be both, so, you know, who knows. Haha... I was amused by your critique of this one. I quite liked the feedback and must agree with all you said. I write what I feel, so you most likely described me and my train of thought very well on this poem. I kind of know my advantages when it comes to getting the attention of a male audience. Shhhh... don't tell. Lol... Thank you for taking time to read and share. :)
Sorry, Missy. I am late here to hear to you. I kept this email since 2 days to be viewed afterward as I was busy with some other things. I see all your depressing state of mind and feel very helpless to be of any comfort to you. I am here with my own elder son aged 40 who is having the same condition since his age of 25 and we can't simply do anything except offering some emotional support and being with him always even though he hurts my feelings the most. I simply try to keep some company with him whenever he allows me, and cook the food timely and give the medicines required by him. He takes medicines according to his own suitability and does not follow the Doctor's prescriptions. He got much experienced and adapted himself to certain type of medicine, certain dosage, and often tries to make some little changes in it to see whether he could be more comfortable with them. Mostly he sleeps and listens to some music or posts some posts which depict his state of mind also at times on twitter and other places. There is one page of his on facebook which is about offering mental tips to people like him. He wants to do some service by sharing his feelings and experiences there. You may like to view it at this link: https://www.facebook.com/PowercutLifeCoach/
The major worrying things in him besides this mental depression is, his consuming alcohol, smoking, and excessive frustrations or anger throwing things away when I try to give a bit advice to him, etc.
But, otherwise, he is very gentle and kind to all people and cares for them including me. But, he is still angry at his dead mom who could not understand his mental conditions and hated him for his drinking habit. Even though he did not express it, I know that.
Most intriguing poetic tales from the dark side.
I am a fan of all the bands you listened too as well. I have found much inspiration from many of these bands, especially Tool. It sucks to see some of my favorite artists die over the years. It never makes it easy. Great poem that expresses deep emotional feelings. I love that song Something I Can Never Have.
I knew nothing about the singers who recently died, but I know how I felt when John Lennon was shot, so I do understand. As for grudges, I don't have them in that I will repay the hurt caused to me, but I never forgive a major hurt done to me. Perhaps I should learn to forgive but what the hell, I think I'll just hold onto them. :) Take care and be good to yourself.
Missy, the unfortunate deaths of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington shocked a lot of people, but I can see how it would affect a true fan like yourself so much more deeply. I won't give any trite advice like "Look on the bright side etc etc because that is no help for someone fighting a battle with depression. (I tried my best to describe it in my poem 'The Black Dog' but don't know if I succeeded). The only positive I see is that things like this inspire your creativity. The images of you are amazing, and the song/video by Tool-"Sober" is hauntingly brilliant.
I always enjoy your poetry, dark or not.
Considering our mortality it is difficult to suggest that the villain is entirely to blame. Every good thing always goes away ... always. In such a hostile universe anyone free of depression is either a pampered child or a complete idiot.
This is a very good poem. The sexy images along with the sensual verse leaves a man in a state that is not so sympathetic, but more interested in the "pretty poses', "eye candy", and the overall defiant nature that indicates a spirit wild and untamed. Of course, a woman would not necessarily be affected in this manner. I see this as a style that can be used to your advantage.
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