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Side Splitting Jokes
~Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control..~
Side Splitting Jokes
♥ I have Contacts:
A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.
After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”
“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.
“Look lady, I don’t care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You’re getting a ticket.”
Funny Patients and Doctors: Doctor to a rich man: Do you prefer a local anesthesia?
Rich man: I would rather prefer an imported one.
Chinese Call Center:
Caller: Hello, I would like to speak to Annie Wan? Operator: Okie, you can speak to me then.. Caller: No, I want to speak only to Annie Wan! Operator: This is the call center! That’s what I’m saying if you want to speak to anyone.
You can speak to me. By the way, who are you? Caller: Well, I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's an emergency. Operator: God! I understand that you are someone and you want to talk to anyone!
Anyway, what's this emergency matter about? Caller: Well... just tell my wife Annie Wan that her brother Noe Wan was involved in a bad car accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent right to the hospital.
Right now, Avery Wan is on the way to the hospital. Operator: Look you someone, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I really don't have time for all these pranks! Caller:
You are so rude? What's your name? Operator: I'm Saw Ree. Caller: Absolutely! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!! Operator: That's what I just said. I'm Saw Ree Caller: Oh ...God.....this is going nowhere. From Good Wan! ...
♥ Cute husband:
A man escaped from prison after 10 years. He breaks into a house to look for money but he finds a young couple in the bed.
He ordered the man get out of the bed and then he tied him to a chair, while he was tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then he gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he was in the bathroom, the husband told his wife.
I believe this man is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in the jail and has not seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he.............? This man looks very dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
Wife responds: "He was not kissing my neck, he whispered in my ear. He told me he is gay and he thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.!!" " ♥♥♥
Talking Bird Funny
♥ A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know." She walks up to the bird and asks, "What did you say?" The parrot says, "I said you are REALLY UGLY!!!
America's Funniest Bloopers (AFV satire)
Hurricanes are like women:
when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
♥ Birthday Present:
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real b...itch tonight, Dave." ♥♥♥
♥ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of Exlax, then you will be afraid to cough. ♥♥♥
♥ Who Reads Newspapers?
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
–The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
–The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
–USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t understand The Washington Post.
–The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
–The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
–The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country.
–The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
–The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure there is a country, or that a country is a good idea in the first place.
–The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
–The Chicago Tribune is read by people who live in the Midwest, which readers of the other newspapers don’t think is part of the country. ♥♥♥
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.
Husband Shopping Center
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?”
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be waiting for us further on?" So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"