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Signs That You Are No Longer Young

Updated on May 23, 2013

The other day I was putting away some dishes when I opened a cabinet to find a full bottle of unopened vodka. Dust had collected just under the neck, and I tried to remember when or why I had bought it.

Oh that’s right, Cinco De Mayo….last year.

Yep, it seems that the missus and I had big plans involving Vodka and the blender. Maybe we got tired. Maybe we got busy. Maybe we just forgot.

Years ago, if I bought booze, it was solely with the intent of drinking the bottle until it was empty. What’s the point of a liquor cabinet? I used to think. Ah the joys of youth.

Now in the latter part of my thirties, this is no longer the case. There are things to do and responsibility calls.

Other Examples That You Are No Spring Chicken:

You have to set the DVR for programs airing after 10pm. - That and the fact that you use the word programs.

After 5pm, pajamas are fair game.

Food-titled nights have replaced drink-titled nights. You know, when Margarita night becomes Taco night.

You’re movie quotes fall on deaf ears – An Ace Ventura quote is only as good as its audience, so if you’re quoting Ferris Bueler’s Day Off or The Breakfast Club to a college intern, expect looks of bewilderment.

Rolling Stone becomes Reader’s Digest. Or the fact that you still receive physical magazines.

You shake your head at new fads such as Gangum style. Because MC Hammer set the bar so high.

You're still hanging on to that yahoo account. In 2000, your limpbiscuitrocks@yahoo account was a great way to stay in touch with family and friends. Today you just unknowingly cram their inboxes with spam.

Your body begins to creak - Playing basketball, I'm so proud of myself as I keep up with the younger guys on the court. The next morning I hobble out of bed on rickety ankles and a stiff back.

Eating fast food comes with consequences In my twenties I could eat two BigMacs and wash it down with a 5 gallon bucket of sweet tea. The last time I ate fast food I thought I had been poisoned.

You realize that you don’t know all that much. In my youth, there were causes and solutions to the problems of the world, and I had all of the answers. Today I know that I know very little.

You watch an athlete give his hall of fame induction speech and remember the day he was drafted. – This means you’re only a few short years away from attending minor league baseball games and keeping your own stats.

Phrases such as I don’t know what’s wrong with kids today have entered your vernacular. - You're one step away from Get off my lawn!

You laugh out loud when invited to see a band on a weeknight. Or a weekend for some of us.

You refer to the power source in your car as the cigarette lighter – Are you also stomping on the floor in effort to flash your high beams?

You use phrases such as Here's a quarter, call someone who cares, or Hang up the phone. - This makes no sense to anyone under 25.

Through The Years...

It's snowing, Sweet!
Great, I'm going to be late for work.
I hear Florida's nice...
That show was sick.
That concert was loud.
I'm sick of loud concerts.
I love SNL
What night does SNL come on?
SNL hasn't been funny in twenty years.
I'm expressing myself
I'll have an expresso
What expression? This is my face.
Ear Buds
Ear Plugs
Ear Horn
The Movies
The Theatre
The Nap
I really need to adjust the tracking on my VCR.
Kindle (Large Font Software Edition)
The above table is not scientific and meant for comedic purposes and is not intended to offend people over 40, although they probably cannot read the fine print anyway.

Going Back

Would you like to turn back the clock?

See results


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    • SonQuioey10 profile image

      Toni Northern 4 years ago from Williamston NC

      Very Funny. A lot of those do apply to me but a lot don't. Those are definitely dead-on though. Great hub.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Well yeah, I'll add that one to the list.

    • torrilynn profile image

      torrilynn 5 years ago


      I would say that there would be quite a few

      signs that you are no longer young

      such as running out of breath and being unable to

      do something you use to do all of the time

      Voted up

    • Escobana profile image

      Escobana 5 years ago from Valencia

      Weestro, how I love your sense of humor and how odd you never mentioned anything about wrinkles:-)

      McHammer rocks, PJ's until 15 pm, going to a bar instead of going to a club and falling for the really young, attractive boys who like to hang out with mature women.

      Refreshing Hub, voted up, funny and sharing for sure!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Irc, I look forward to it! Well, sort of anyways!

    • lrc7815 profile image

      Linda Crist 5 years ago from Central Virginia

      This was so much fun to read and so true that it's almost frightening. I do have one bit of caution for you though. Just wait until you're over 50. lol Can't wait to see what you'll be writing about at that point.

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Me too tattuwurn, me too! Thanks for reading!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks CrisSp, glad you enjoyed it!

    • profile image

      tattuwurn 5 years ago

      I could hear myself saying "What's wrong with kids today?", though I'm only 33. And I am still hanging on to my Yahoo mail account (and Yahoo Messenger is still my preferred IM tool despite having Skype -- I think I'm getting used to it and all of my contacts are there and still using that too). The infancy of getting old (hahaha so oxymoronic), I'm just getting there. Voted up and funny. :)

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 5 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Ouch! This middle age hubber is hurt by some truth on this hub! Lol! So funny! I like "expresso" through the years and the "kindle" large font please. *chuckle*

      Good job!

    • Alecia Murphy profile image

      Alecia Murphy 5 years ago from Wilmington, North Carolina

      Funny stuff! I'm still young but some things I hear now make me feel old. Like talking about One Direction and stuff when I remember listening to N'Sync- but I guess every generation has a, "Man I'm old moment." I think I'm getting closer because now me knee hurts when it rains! Great hub!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Haha, say it isn't so cheaptrick!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      You're not missing much musically Efficient! I'm a product of the microwave so maybe that explains a lot!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Haha, nice one Mr Deltoid! Thanks!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      I must say that I don't know about that one Austinstar! I came up just as Rotary phones were giving away to the pushbuttons! Thanks for stopping by!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Sounds pretty high tech Becky, thanks!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks Xstatic! Glad you enjoyed it!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      Thanks for readig Gawth, and I'm sure I'll get there soon enough!

    • cheaptrick profile image

      cheaptrick 5 years ago from the bridge of sighs

      They[whoever they is]say your only as old as you feel....

      If that's true...I believe in the third grade I sat right behind Moses.

      Also,they[there it is again]say women age like fine wine....Well I can tell you that men age like Milk....we get all lumpy and sour...

    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Efficient Admin 5 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      I am a bit older than you Weestro but yep all of these ring a bell for me. I was telling someone the other day when I hear a song from the late 70s thru 80s, I can name the song and the band. Anything after 1990 I don't have a clue. When I was growing up we didn't have a microwave or dishwasher either! These were spot on, voted up and across.

    • Mr Deltoid 1966 profile image

      Rich 5 years ago from New Jersey

      Like my friend always tells me......its tough to be an angry young man, when you need 8 hours sleep every night.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Am I the only one that remembers 'party lines'. When I was a kid, I thought picking up the phone and listening to the neighbors converstions was such a hoot! And we only had 4 digit phone numbers, oh my! I AM getting old. Carp.

      This was terribly funny though. Thanks for the yucks - voted up and sharing with those modern social things, you know, FB and Twit.

    • Becky Katz profile image

      Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

      Funny, but my Kindle has adjustable sized font. I did just get a new computer with a 20 inch screen so the writing would be larger. Wait until you have lost your glasses and find them on your head.

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 5 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Oh yes! It gets better and better. This is very funny and well done. That dimmer on the floor was a great innovation! Up!

    • Gawth profile image

      Ron Gawthorp 5 years ago from Millboro, Virginia

      Hey friend, it gets more involved. You've only begun the journey. At 60 I noticed I could remember something that happened 50 years before but had no idea where I laid my glasses or car keys. Great Hub. Thanks for a good laugh!

    • weestro profile image

      Pete Fanning 5 years ago from Virginia

      I must say that a dime was before my time Mary! Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the votes!

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 5 years ago from New York

      I only voted funny for this because it is so ironic and on point. I am a tad older than you and I remember when a phone call was ten cents, never mind a quarter and I do remember the dimmer on the floor of the car. Your table is hysterically true as well. Great job Weestro.

      Voted up, useful, funny, and interesting.