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Slapped in the Face
I realize this morning she had been through a personal ordeal, because of her deep modesty, something she has had all her life, but that slap in the face she gave me and telling me to "get the hell out of here" was very hard to take.
It brought back some more memories I have kept within myself, only because I had no reason to think they mattered to anyone, or even to me...I mean we all go through things during our life time and some are just either too painful or just seem less important.
My mom did have a hard time growing up and suffered from an abusive first marriage, and I am thinking perhaps now in her Dementing stage she is reverting back there, back to the times she so dreaded, the times she just didn't want to wake up.
Being very difficult to understand , I do know she must have felt her privacy was being invaded, and the caregivers are so very well trained and handle these things way better then I do. However her cleanliness after using the toilet was an issue, and needed to be taken care of right then and now. She cussed at them and cried and sobbed and then was exhausted so went to lay down for a rest.
Shortly afterwords, I arrived for my visit; and was immediately informed about the situation. So as I entered her room and found her sleeping I simply asked God to give me the strength to know how to re-act to her and to be patient.
When she later opened her eyes and began to focus on me, she gave her smile and I walked over to her bed and kissed her and mentioned that she had a rough morning, and she nodded her head in understanding. I tried to sit down on the bed beside her, she jumped up and yelled at me to "get away, leave me alone, damnit!"
Clue # 1 she was not over the traumatic experience from earlier. I told myself to be patient and follow her lead slowly, and caringly. She promptly went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Done, she stood up, and pulled up her long johns and pants, but had forgotten to pull up her Pull-ups and therefore walking was dangerous, and nearly impossible.
I asked if I could show her why she was having a hard time and she let me fix the problem, gave me hug and I felt good. Her blouse was rolled up under her sweater (she is always cold) and so I went to pull it down to make her more comfortable, when she reared her hand back slapping me hard in the face and told to get the hell out.
In utter shock...not another word did I speak, I left the bathroom, got my purse, her gift and walked away. She however is quick on her feet and was ahead of me in the flash of an eye, and walking towards the recreation room. Which is where I was headed. When I arrived she was talking to another resident and turned around and saw me, and as usual came cheerfully to see me, as it was all forgotten in her mind.
We sat and listened to the Piano entertainer and then she had her snack and water and we worked on a few puzzles, well I did... she just likes to watch and then take them apart.
The difficult part came about that time; when the physic doctor came to me and wanted to discuss her behavior over the last 6 or so months. There have been other times when she has been difficult to handle and they want to give her some medicine to help calm her down, of course with the approval of her medical doctor.
Thoughts are many and I researched the meds and they are not addictive, don't make them sleep and a very low dose. My conclusion is to give it a try, so long as the medical doctor agrees.
The real point to this writing, is to try to keep my peace of mind, especially this time of year and for her sake and safety. (We went for a ride to see all the Christmas lights then back for dinner, which she ate readily and then to get her P.J's on.) It is a tough road watching your mom (or any loved one) with Alzheimer's Disease.
I ask God for strength and wisdom everyday and try to learn all I can, but there are some things only experience will teach you...and today it was "the slap in the face" , which did hurt...not only my feelings but my skin. So to anyone else out there dealing with things as I am, "they do not mean it, they do not really understand what they are doing"...let it go, just let it go...Live in the moments as best you can, cause one day you won't even have that...:O) Hugs G-Ma