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Snowstorm Clobbers Miami

Updated on March 3, 2016
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...and there's more on the way!

After the shortest Fall in recorded history, southern Florida residents were stunned as they reached toward their air conditioners this morning. Yesterday's sweltering temperatures and blazing sun packed up and moved to Atlanta and then the mercury plummeted after sunset. Many Floridians had never seen snow before as the nighttime white-out blanketed orange juice groves, coconut cream fields. and Key Lime pie pastures from Boca to Bokeelia.

Meteorologist Naomi Tsunami, of the National Weather Circus, placed the blame on the dreaded Baked Alaska Phenomenon and christened the hybrid hurricane Frankenstorm as it dumped up to four feet of snow throughout southern Florida. This strategic atmospheric anomaly requires the conjunction of the Oregon Trail Jet Stream and an Oklahoma tornado that rates at least 7.1 on the Richter Scale.

The falling barometric pressure and the resultant backside airflow causes a one-two-three punch; first, the sizzling heat of a reverse Santa Ana Windstorm (known locally as a Scottsdale Scorcher) slithers in like a sneaky sidewinder. This is quickly followed by the Death Valley Drencher that ushers in the relentless California Monsoon, and finally a sub-zero Arctic blast with its paralyzing four feet of snow accompanied by the bone-chilling Moscow Meat Locker front also known as the Close the door, you idiot!

The blizzard forced Sea Cow Airport to close its runway and in a statement to The Tampa Bay Tattler, sources were quoted as saying "The airport will remain closed until further notice and employees are encouraged to pitch in and bring their battery-powered feather dusters, hair dryers, and anything else that may help with snow removal."

Both Interstates 95 and 75 were closed in the upper altitudes of the Flamingo Mountain Range. Governor Tonto Yobama declared the region a natural disaster and promised to pull whatever strings he could to get his cousin in Washington to allocate the hundred and ten billion dollars needed to restore the state to normal.

Florida's Amazingly Rapid Transit System (FARTS), reports extensive damage resulting in complete failure and shutdown of the entire West Palm Beach Subway System due to flooding. Additionally, adversarial snowball fights began breaking out between key municipal departments, specifically the Highway and the Sanitation Departments, the latter whose garbage trucks were forcibly commandeered to be used as plows. Further, the state police have reported the Blue Beach Drawbridge has been frozen in an erect position for over four hours and risks permanent damage.

Brody Lodi of the Parks and Recreation Department warned that the unseasonable temperatures and six feet of snow along Pineapple Pass now poses great danger as the threat of an avalanche encroaches in outlying regions. In addition, the Polar Bear Watch will be in effect until further notice as these cantankerous carnivores have come out of nowhere and begun invading fruit stands and convenience stores across the upper chaparral near Fort Meyers.

A mandatory snow-chain implementation has been issued on all jet skis, surf boards, and small craft on the Kumquat River as well as areas in designated coastal vicinities. A spokesman for Okeechobee's Benevolent Order of Alligators offered its miniature cars used in the annual Palmetto Bug Parade for the impending massive rescue operations. Any senior citizens stranded inside their homes can be assured that Meals on Walkers will not be affected by this catastrophe.

School children will fly now and pay later as any days the public schools are closed will simply be added to the end of the school year. At a press conference this morning, Superintendent Skinner said "If the schools remain closed for five days, these days will be made up from June 30th through June 35th".

Businesses report little change as people flock to the supermarkets and clean out the shelves. Orlando sees the snow as a blessing while Disney World unveils the long awaited Bumping Car Ride inside the sixty acre parking lot along with the death defying Innsbruck Ski Jump / Accelerated Free Fall Ride.

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