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So you want to be a Biker Biatch
or- How NOT to Get Thrown Off the Back Seat of a Harley Davidson
Harely Davidson Motorcycles either you love them or you don't get it. It matters not to me which category you fall into, but for the aspiring biatch, this is an important tutorial.
- Please note, this article is intended for mature audiences. If you are not at least eighteen, it is not likely you need to be reading this.
For the uninitiated, this is a man's world. If you want to cling to his hairy back with the wind, bugs and leather tails of his do rag blowing in your face for any length of time- or at least until you make it back home again, read on.
When you have just met the guy at a bar or on the street and he has invited you for a ride, it does not matter what you are wearing, he already finds it suitable. However, when you have been invited to a future ride, dressing for the occasion is highly suggested. If you have ever seen a group of bikers partying, you will no doubt have noticed some highly unattractive women wearing things only an unruly teenager should be found in. It is the uniform.
Starting with the undergarments, leave the granny panties at the back of the drawer. You will need a whale tail, also known as a thong, in case the waistband of your jeans rides low while straddled on the back. Red is a good color, or black. It is a good idea to wear a bra, not new, but not too shabby, to be left hanging at one of the fine biker establishments you no doubt will be stopping at.
Next, blue jeans are the only pants you should consider wearing for most occasions. Do not wear shorts. Even in the summer months, you will look ridiculous and embarrass your man. You may however wear shorts with chaps, but leather in the summer time can be stifling. Your jeans can be new, old and worn, ripped and torn, painted and/or Bedazzled.... and tight.
Your top is where you can make a statement about your own personal style. Rock tees, Harley tees, button shirts tied at the waist, rhinestones, cuts, halters, leather, bathing suits, chain maille, if you can imagine it, most likey it will be met with approval.
Accessories, oh yes, these are definitely a must. Belts, bracelets, necklaces, chokers, pins, hats, dog collars, rings, brass knuckles.... it all depends on your own style. Popular themes are wild cats, roses, skulls, studs, crystals, again, your imagination is allowed to free flow here. If you need a handbag, either a belly pack, or a bag that uses clips to attach to your belt loops, a shoulder bag or backpack are best. Don't count on using the saddlebags, if he has them, unless invited or you are a drop dead 10. Makeup is going to get blown around unless you wear a helmet with a full face mask. Lipstick is usually appreciated, but don't fuss if you hope to have another invitation to ride. You will need hair control of some type, or look like a family of wrens have moved into your coif. If a helmet is required in your state, he will provide one. If not required, you may have to supply your own if you want to wear a helmet.
Footwear is where many women make poor choices. Sandles and high heels just don't work on a bike. The exception is a pair of stripper shoes on a slow street ride where your man can feel superior with a Hot Chick on the back. A good example is in Key West after the Poker Run when on a pub crawl. Any other time, wear black leather boots.
How to ride
You need to trust his ability to handle the machine. Adding your weight to the back changes how the bike maneuvers on take off, stopping and turns. You need to sit still and hang on. When he leans into a turn, go with him, resisting the urge to "balance". When you relax and move with him, he will be impressed and you will enjoy the ride better. When he stops and you need to get off, wait until he has his feet firmly on the ground before moving, but don't make him wait much after that. Stand up on the pegs and dismount as if you are getting off of a horse.
Some women will hand signal for turns, stops or wave to other bikers as they approach. Wait until you have been riding together a little while before you do this. It is sort of like answering his phone, don't do it until you are comfortable together.
Have you ever seen those tee shirts that say, "If you can read this the bitch fell off"? One quick twist of the wrist and an irritation is neatly deposited on the street. Believe me, it does happen. You don't have to be that girl if you follow these tips.
After arriving at the destination, you will quickly become popular if you befriend the women. Admire their tattoos, body jewelry, leather, or dancing style. Flirting with the guys will get you into a fight in the ladies room or dumped on the street. See previous paragraph.
I hope you find these guidelines helpful and the ride exhilerating
About the Author: Kitty has been riding since 2000, first as a passenger then, moving to her own ride when riding bitch became boring. After riding with a patched club for several years, saying that this is a man's world is understating the fact. Her Harley has no back seat.
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