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Something whiffy in the state of New Zealand

Updated on October 4, 2011
When the sweet smell of success is ruined by the pong of politics.
When the sweet smell of success is ruined by the pong of politics.

Woke up this morning, feelin’ ‘round for my shoes seems I got dem ol’ WTF blues.

Yeah! Something is in the air and it’s not Thunderclap Newman, or even Alfred E Neumann. I’ve had this queasy feeling all year and I decided to consult my old mate Nostrildamus who is a bit of a prognosticator (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). Well old Nostrils, as I call him when I’m fast enough to duck his right hook reckons it is the beginning of a deadly disease called election fever.

I asked him if he was sure and after punching me in the nose for questioning his judgement, he handed me a tissue to wipe up my blood and began to explain.

“I can detect the pong of political spin a good year out,” he explained. “The trick is you have to be alert for the augurs.”

Thinking this was how the great one drilled down to the heart of every mystery I foolishly asked how big the augers were.

This time he merely sneered contemptuously at me and began to speak of what I can only call signs to look out for. What this had to do with drills I was too scared to ask.

“Good news is at the heart of it all; better economic results, huge crises that are suddenly downgraded and more prosperity for all. You never get any of these in the years following an election,” he said.

Given we have just learned that crime figures are down, I figure that has to be one of the pointers Nos is talking about. Hey and while we’re on the subject, did anyone else notice how the increase in sexual offences was so easily disposed of with a glib reference to higher reporting of the crimes?

But what occurs to me is that if the rise in sexual offences can be explained away by higher levels of reporting; why can’t the drops in other offences be attributed to lower levels of reporting? I hear of people who don’t bother reporting minor burglaries where they aren’t insured because they know they have a less than 50 percent chance of a favourable result. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Nostrildamus tells us to also look out for a drop in unemployment levels very soon, which he says will be brought about by some very clever transferring of unemployed people to sickness or invalid benefits and a drive to ensure all those on the household labour force survey are kept happy.

He says a small increase in the QV of your home is highly likely this year as well because that softens up the voters and has the double whammy of making it easy for local councils to increase your rates again next year once the General Election is out of the way.

Nostrildamus also warned about the ‘bolt-on effect’ where the danger exists for the population to credit the Government with good things which they are not responsible for.

“For example if New Zealand wins the Rugby World Cup, the voters must remember how many minutes of game time the politicians actually had on the field (i.e. none). Furthermore it should be remembered these wasters almost fucked up the entire show with the shambles that occurred on the Auckland waterfront on opening night and their sickening clamour for photo-ops. Nah, if New Zealand wins that cup, the voters should remember the ALL BLACKS will be the ones doing the winning and the pollies will simply be the apes doing the grinning. It will have happened despite the Government.”

So now you have heard it first and fast from this blog: There is an election on the way and all sorts of good things are going to happen! I must admit when Nostrildamus first told me that, I thought he had lost his marbles, but then he added that it would be an ephemeral experience.

When I asked him what that meant, he simply smiled and said, “Next year everyone will wake up, but it will probably be a few months too late.”


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