ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Something whiffy in the state of New Zealand

Updated on October 4, 2011
When the sweet smell of success is ruined by the pong of politics.
When the sweet smell of success is ruined by the pong of politics.


Woke up this morning, feelin’ ‘round for my shoes seems I got dem ol’ WTF blues.


Yeah! Something is in the air and it’s not Thunderclap Newman, or even Alfred E Neumann. I’ve had this queasy feeling all year and I decided to consult my old mate Nostrildamus who is a bit of a prognosticator (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). Well old Nostrils, as I call him when I’m fast enough to duck his right hook reckons it is the beginning of a deadly disease called election fever.

I asked him if he was sure and after punching me in the nose for questioning his judgement, he handed me a tissue to wipe up my blood and began to explain.

“I can detect the pong of political spin a good year out,” he explained. “The trick is you have to be alert for the augurs.”

Thinking this was how the great one drilled down to the heart of every mystery I foolishly asked how big the augers were.

This time he merely sneered contemptuously at me and began to speak of what I can only call signs to look out for. What this had to do with drills I was too scared to ask.

“Good news is at the heart of it all; better economic results, huge crises that are suddenly downgraded and more prosperity for all. You never get any of these in the years following an election,” he said.

Given we have just learned that crime figures are down, I figure that has to be one of the pointers Nos is talking about. Hey and while we’re on the subject, did anyone else notice how the increase in sexual offences was so easily disposed of with a glib reference to higher reporting of the crimes?

But what occurs to me is that if the rise in sexual offences can be explained away by higher levels of reporting; why can’t the drops in other offences be attributed to lower levels of reporting? I hear of people who don’t bother reporting minor burglaries where they aren’t insured because they know they have a less than 50 percent chance of a favourable result. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Nostrildamus tells us to also look out for a drop in unemployment levels very soon, which he says will be brought about by some very clever transferring of unemployed people to sickness or invalid benefits and a drive to ensure all those on the household labour force survey are kept happy.

He says a small increase in the QV of your home is highly likely this year as well because that softens up the voters and has the double whammy of making it easy for local councils to increase your rates again next year once the General Election is out of the way.

Nostrildamus also warned about the ‘bolt-on effect’ where the danger exists for the population to credit the Government with good things which they are not responsible for.

“For example if New Zealand wins the Rugby World Cup, the voters must remember how many minutes of game time the politicians actually had on the field (i.e. none). Furthermore it should be remembered these wasters almost fucked up the entire show with the shambles that occurred on the Auckland waterfront on opening night and their sickening clamour for photo-ops. Nah, if New Zealand wins that cup, the voters should remember the ALL BLACKS will be the ones doing the winning and the pollies will simply be the apes doing the grinning. It will have happened despite the Government.”

So now you have heard it first and fast from this blog: There is an election on the way and all sorts of good things are going to happen! I must admit when Nostrildamus first told me that, I thought he had lost his marbles, but then he added that it would be an ephemeral experience.

When I asked him what that meant, he simply smiled and said, “Next year everyone will wake up, but it will probably be a few months too late.”


Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)