Soundless Voice -Ibyeol Mothan Ibyeol (Farewell without farewell)
Sublime by Shougo Kaida
A Lament of Ice and snow
So I attended your funeral one that was empty of beating hearts, living consciences; one that was filled with robotic soulless: beings that wear masks of human emotions. And I watched and counted the empty seats that were barren of any soul that would fill them. And I watched, counted the seconds, counted the heart beats, waited and perhaps believed that with time people would actually come. Yet, barely any came, and if any did they did not even know the deceased. All what they saw in your funeral was a social gathering where they could get in touch with those who are indirectly related to the Man who passed away.
Truth be told, I cried, not because you left, not because you were the first to die, although all young, but because no one walked your funeral, no one read for you a piece or two for our holy Book, no one was there to pay their respect to all the sacrifices that you’ve made for them.
None of them will remember you through your glory, none of them will remember your righteousness, none will remember your clean heart, none will remember that you were born in a barren home and died empty handed, yet again people remember what they want. They will not bear to mention your deeds as they never saw the great man I saw in you.
Truth be told I feel lost; I have been lost for the past 9 months after you departed and I get more lost by the minute. It is not that you left without a warning for you sure did. Yet, it is the void of emptiness that is eating me from inside and destroying my core that is driving me in a corner. It is the face of pain that appears to me every time I try to remember you.
Yet, if I say it is this that is eating me from inside then I have lied to you and disgraced your memory. In fact it is the guilt that is robbing me from the little pieces of me that I have left.
Yes, I feel guilty for promising to see you on the day you died next morning, and not being able to keep that little promise. It is that little broken promise that is shattering me day after day. I know that you departed from this world and you are probably resting, but that little promise between a daughter and her father was never kept, and as strong as I claim to be and portray to the outer world, I can say I am weak when it comes to that promise. I am broken for not knowing you were passing away that moment, the moment I walked out of that room and simply said my goodbyes promising to be there early in the morning.
Little did I know that my promise will not be realized and I would not get the chance to see you again. Dad, I know I have disgraced you several times and probably brought tears to your face even in death more that your living days, but it is not easy without you. Life has never been gentle and I admit that and the fact that you brought us up as tough women but I can’t sense you around us like you used to be during your living days.
Sure enough you live on within every single cell of my body, within the air I breathe, within every corner of this house, but sure enough even if I apologize for not reciprocating the love you gave me, I would never make it right. There are tons of things I would like to tell you now that you are gone, things that I would have said to you had I had the courage, things that eat me inside every time I remember that you died without being able to communicate your last wishes. Those things haunt me at night and sometimes during the day. I can’t seem to get the words you were saying, yet I can’t seem to muster up the courage and seek you in my dreams.
It is not that I am scared to face you after your death even if it was due to the construction of my dreams, but it is the fact that those loose ends will never be tied again even if I pray to the God of heaven and earth for a second chance. I do stand in front of your grave and I do have tons to say to you like how much I am sorry, grateful, and sad, yet I can’t seem to muster up the courage even when you are below sand and stones.
I am a coward, and I have always known that, but my cowardice haunts my living self. It haunts my sleeping self, and breaks me by the second. I wish I could tell you by words how guilty I feel for losing you, breaking that little promise of ours, and not being able to make out those words you tried speaking just before you passed away.
I am sorry for not being obedient enough, I am sorry for saying you gave us a hard life, I am sorry for not being the child you wished for, I am sorry for tons of things. Yet, I am sorry for being the coward I am and resulting to words on paper rather than having the courage to say it in physical words when I had the chance.
I am sorry for not hugging you enough, telling you that your job was shitty, people never appreciated you enough, and for not thanking you for your sacrifices. I am sorry that I do get it now; I do get what it means to be a single pillar for a family damaged by life. I am so sorry for doubting that you cared for this family, and most importantly I am sorry for being the person I am today. I am sorry I could not see you on my graduation, but more importantly I am sorry for not being able to see your face on that specific day. I am sorry for tons more, but what does being sorry ever do other than feed that void that is eating me from the inside ?
I am so sorry that I waited for your death to tell you all that and I am more than sorry for breaking lots of our promises. It hurts if I say I always knew I would lose you someday but that day came too early. And today I stand here soaking in my tears writing under a penname unable to stand before your grave and tell you all that. I am sorry for that and tons more.
I do miss you, every single inch of you, every little particle of air around you, I simply do miss you. I do extend my hand to feel you but you are no longer here. You are far from what my eyes can perceive and what my hands can hold onto. Yet again, I wish I had a strand of your hair to keep close to me when I feel lost. I wish you were here, I wish you were here to hug me one more time, just once.
Now that I am enslaved at work I am curious about how you survived 30 years at an institution that made it its mission in life to fuck up yours. I am 22, still at the earliest stage of my career and I already feel like a shattered Ming vase. I feel old, tired and haggard, unable to make a stable footing for myself and the rest of my family on this damned soil which God created us from. Those who were left behind, like mom and myself, little bro and my older sisters are lost without you. Oblivious of what life hides behind its empty promises of a better life, we seek your prayers in the afterlife.
I miss you, every single piece of you and I wish I had more time back then , prior knowledge, and better circumstances to tell you how much I do love you. Too little too late, you have departed and left me behind. I do wish I could enter your dreams and see the image you have of me after my graduation. I wish it is not far from what I am right now, for if it is I hope I am not breaking your heart. I know, sometimes, I know deep inside at my little dark corner for a conscience that I am breaking your heart day after day by simply being as I am now. But well, I swear to God that I am trying and I am doing my best. I know you want a better life for us, but I simply do not know how to provide that. I simply do not know how you gave us life and endured it for 59 years. Here I am at 22 and already feeling the heat.
Sweaty palms, a watery face, and lots of regrets, I am writing for you a sheet of my emotions. I feel lost and I totally miss you but I want and hope I see you in my dreams again. Come back to me in my dreams, like the day you left this earth and said your farewells to me in my dreams. Come back, I beg your forgiveness and seek me in the sleep world for I have tons to tell you, even if you were in spiritual form. I miss you yet I love you and I wish I could have the chance to shower you will those words, yet again I don’t.
I love you for all your weaknesses; I love you for your righteousness; I love you for who you are….. Because I simply miss you dad!