A Humorous Look at Spring Cleaning (or "So This Is Why I'm Not Married!")
I am trying to make more closet space for my husband. Won't he be happy I got rid of this old bat?!
Ready, Set, Go!!!!!
- Okay, you are ready to do your spring cleaning and you want it done right - no holding back and no influences from your spouse! You are armed with a large trash can, several rolls of paper towels, several different cleaning solutions, and obsessive-compulsive disorder that would make Adrian Monk (the defective detective) look like a wuss. Let's get started.
- I suggest you start your spring cleaning in your husband's closet because for 12 months you've been wanting to dump some of that junk out and now is your chance! First, what the heck is this old basketball with a bunch of names written on it doing in the house? Why isn't it in a box in the garage with the other sports balls? And, who names their kid Shaq? Basketball...gone.
- Now, why does he still have this picture of him shaking the hand of a guy named Brett Favre. No reason to keep that, the guy obviously doesn't know how to spell his own name. Photograph...gone. We'd better clean out some of these old clothes of his, too (boy, won't he be excited!). I can't believe anyone would keep old golf shirts from the 1970s and 1980s and 1990s. Wow, he must have 50 of them, all with different golf tournament names on the front and some of them have even been WRITTEN on! Heaven's sake, who keeps this stuff, and who signs their name "Tiger." Golf shirts...gone.
- You should be starting to feel somewhat accomplished as you are freeing all that closet space up for your husband. Once again, won't he be surprised?
Who keeps this crap? I could probably sell this on e-Bay, but some dummy (Drew Brees) wrote his name in PERMANENT MARKER. OMG, people are so stupid!
- Let's look inside this old box and see what he's been hoarding. OMG, a bunch of old used sports tickets with some unreadable names scribbled on them. Does he think he can re-use them to get into a game? Man, is he dense! Good thing he's got me to do the spring cleaning for him. What in the world is this old baseball bat doing in the house? Sports people sure do have weird names...Regards, Babe written on this one. Baseball bat...gone.
- Let's go now and clean out all of those SHOES! Good grief, he must have 50 pairs of old sneakers. I wonder why he has them wrapped individually and boxed up? Here's a note that reads: collectible, sell online to Japanese. Right...like ANYONE would buy a pair of old shoes from the 1960s, even if they are in like-new condition - and he doesn't even know anyone in Japan! Has he lost his mind? Fifty pairs of old shoes...gone.
- This spring cleaning is really hard work and I had no idea he had so much stuff that had been accumulating. I may have to wait until next year to clean out my stuff...I'm just too tired. Guess I'll just put all these paper towels and cleaning stuff back in the cabinet for later.
- I deserve a nap.
My husband must have picked up someone else's glove by mistake, but I don't have time to return it to the owner, so glove...gone!
Tips (and Warnings)
- Don't do your spring cleaning when your husband is home - he'll just get in the way.
- Make sure you take everything to the landfill before your husband gets home, so he doesn't start whining and put everything back.
- Go ahead and look up the name of a good divorce attorney. I can recommend a few.
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