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Updated on May 26, 2015

What was I doing?

As my car sped along the deserted country road, my heart was beating out of my chest.
White knuckles strangled the steering wheel as a million thoughts raced through my head.
I desperately pawed through my iPod, trying to find a song to distract me, any tune to take my mind off of the here and now.
But all I could think of was my destination.

That day had started like any other.
Disturbed from a shaky sleep, my eyes shot open and I groggily groped around for my phone, desperate for another text.
There wasn't one.
Disappointed, I attempted to go back to sleep, but the decision had been made.
I was awake.

The speedometer hovered around sixty-five miles per hour as I scorched towards town.
"My car broke down"
"Maybe this isn't the best idea"
"It's really late"
Excuse after excuse were sent from head to heart, only to be ignored.
It didn't matter if it made sense, it didn't make sense if it was the smart decision, there wasn't a force on Earth or Heaven that could keep me from going.

The day passed on like most days do.
I went out, I worked, and then I worked out.
I did as much as I could to make time move faster, but constant glances at my phone only made time crawl by.

I finally arrived, and there you were.
I offered and awkward wave, and you sent one right back.
I walked over, slid into your car, and suddenly...
Well, suddenly, I was taken back.

You finally got off work, and you didn't want to go home.

"You could come hang out with me", I joked, hoping against hope.
To my surprise, you accepted, and so I ran to my car and sped off down that country road.

I sat in the same car where I once sat with you and talked for an hour about nothing.
The same car where I once left flowers that I picked from the side of the road.
And I couldn't help but let my mind wander.
I let it wander back to a time when everything was so simple, when I had the whole world in my hands.
We were back in that parking lot.
Curled up against my seat, staring at you, trying to find out how I was going to convince you to kiss me.
Rolling down the road, you fast asleep on my shoulder, briefly illuminated by every street light we passed under.
How could I have ever been so stupid?
How did I ever let you go?

I snapped back to reality and glanced over at you.
Suddenly, the air was a lot heavier, and I felt the car shrinking around me.
I desperately scurried through my brain, hoping to find something charming or witty to break the silence, but I couldn't help it.
I couldn't believe I was here... With you.
Once you were a cute girl interviewing for a job but they didn’t think you’d get it because your schedule was too crazy. Then you became the awkward girl I liked to flirt with whenever we worked together.
Then things changed.
Then I started checking out the schedule to see when we worked together, or even when I might expect to see that blue car parked in the lot. My favorite color, incidentally.
You became more than a friend, you became more than just a pretty face.
You became one of my best friends, you became the reason I came to work.
Hell, you became the reason I came in when I wasn’t working.
Even when I walked out on them, I still came back, just to be around you.
And then, when all the pieces fell into place, when I finally got what I wanted...

"So, where are we going?" you asked.
Wouldn't I like to know.
"Um... That way..." I pointed, randomly.
You laughed and we drove off into the darkness.

If you asked me now, I couldn't tell you what we talked about.
I remember that night in flashes.
A nervous laugh here, a facepalm there.
We walked along the beach, and for a moment, I almost grabbed your hand.
We stood under the stars, less than a foot apart, and I almost grabbed it again.
We may have been driving around for days, but it only felt like minutes.

We talked about everything, and absolutely nothing.
We gossiped about people we knew, complained about our families, and debated the difference between brown and hazel eyes.
Before I knew it, we were back at my car.

I flipped on the light and looked deep, deep into those big eyes and I got lost.
Sure, there was probably enough green in the brown to make them hazel, but that's not what was bothering me.

I was mesmerized.
I was lost in your eyes.
It wasn't about the green or the brown or your magnificently huge pupils.
I lost control.
I was taken away from my body, and what happened next...

I closed my eyes and leaned in towards you.
I kept waiting for you to stop me.
I kept waiting for you to pull away.
But you didn't.
My lips met yours and for a second, the world stood still.
The waves stopped crashing.
The birds stopped chirping.
The grass stopped growing.
We weren't in the car.
We weren't in the parking lot.
We were gone.
Somewhere else, far beyond space and time.
This was where I wanted to be forever.
This was where I wanted to live forever and ever.
I never wanted the kiss to end.
And yet a second passed, and she pulled away.
I looked at her, and she looked back.
My heart was moving so fast it felt like it wasn't moving at all.
You didn't say anything, and I didn't say anything.
My mind was blank, and I didn't know what to do.
Those huge, beautiful hazel eyes stared back at me, confused.
I smiled, and stepped out of the vehicle.

I sat on the curb and watched you drive away.
I watched you drive away, and every fiber of my being prayed you would come back.
That you would come back for me.

I sat on that curb for hours, thinking about the kiss.
It was magical.
It was amazing.
It was... confusing.

I didn't listen to any music on the ride home.
I didn't speed.
I didn't even check my phone.
I took the long way.
I drove back into the woods where you almost ran off the road.
I drove along the old country road where you told me a sad story about a dog.
I drove to the beach, ran my hand through the sand, and walked out to the pier where I almost held your hand.
And then I drove home.
I couldn't sleep.
No dream would've been strong enough to hold me down.
I just sat on the roof, watching the sun rise.
I sat on the roof, and I waited for you.


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