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Storytime With Uncle Dan: The Albino Gummy Worm

Updated on December 10, 2013

A Backstory

These hubpages have come a long way from what I initially thought they'd be about. As one of my passions is playing Magic: The Gathering I thought I might strictly focus my writings on the card game--creating new decks, discussing cards, and examining unused tech. However, as I began to write I realized that I had more to say about life than merely confining myself to a single hobby. Therefore, it is with that in mind that I began to branch out into other topics--topics such as The Simpsons, Christmas music, popular movies, and so on. But one thing I had yet to do was just sit down and write. I aspire to be a famous author like Stephen King or Nicholas Sparks one day, as I'm sure many of my fellow hubbers do as well. But the key to that success is in actually writing things for publication--not just merely twiddling my thumbs as I wait for a lucrative contract to fall into my lap. It is with this in mind that I have decided to further branch out and try my hand at creative fiction writing, in the hopes that perhaps one day a story of mine will be published for real. And with that in mind, here is the story of The Albino Gummy Worm...



I'm not perfect. I curse, I lie, I do other things I'd prefer not to mention here. But never before have I ever done something so.. so reckless, so unforgivable. It haunts me to this day.

Yeah, just like that. Except more gummy.
Yeah, just like that. Except more gummy.

The Albino Gummy Worm

It was another cold winter day much like many before it. The snow was falling, the road was trying to melt it, and the pleasant hum of firetrucks could be heard just outside my window, as they raced to yet another fire in a distance location. When your life isn't very good or particularly exciting, it's important to latch onto whatever you can. And today my apartment wasn't on fire--which made today a good day.

I had just returned from the store and I came home with a beautiful plastic container full of one of the greatest sugary concoctions man as ever created. I'm very well aware that gummy bears exist but to me the gummy medium was perfected when someone decided to smoosh bears out into lines and turn them into worms. It's like the difference between eating regular pretzels (boring) and amazing pretzel rods--or as I called them, salty cigars.

The plastic container was just sitting there at the register along with numerous other candies that I had little interest in getting. I had already purchased my food and yes, I had bought sweets as well--a lot of sweets actually. But the allure of the gummy worm was just too powerful and I had to take a box home with me. I suppose this is the part where I pretend that I hemmed and hawed over my choice of which box to choose--but I didn't. I simply picked a box and shoved it into my cart as I wheeled it past. Looking back it was definitely kismet, fate, or some other divine intervention. I know that now.

When I came home I poured myself a glass of nothing of importance and greedily opened the container of gummy worms that were mine, mine, all mine! Just one of the perks of being an adult I guess. And then I ate some and they were good. I could really taste the bone marrow and cow hooves in them, which I think gave them a tangy flavor. I grabbed a few more handfuls of worms and shoveled them in my mouth like I was some sort of overweight man-child on the verge of a second heart attack.

Maybe it was the sun. Maybe it was the time of day. But something made my eyes catch upon a single gummy worm that had fallen out of my gelatin-filled pie-hole and writhe around on my shirt. I ascribe to the 5-day rule about food being edible if fallen on the ground (or found in the crack of my couch)--so certainly this shirtfood was still edible. And yet, when I held its writhing form between my fingers, watching it gasp for life, trying to free itself from my sausagey appendages, I noticed something. This worm was as pure and white as my boxers used to be. It was an albino gummy worm.

Obviously this was a sign. I didn't know of what exactly, but that was for the internet and religious scholars to decide. So I set the little gummy prophet onto my chest wherein it immediately burrowed itself between my left manboob for warmth. I then set about finding a camera so the world would see this gummy miracle. And then I forgot about him.

Just like this except not a snowman.
Just like this except not a snowman.

I don't know why I forgot about him. I just did. I got caught up with the pleasures of the world. I Facebook'd, I played Magic: The Gathering, I looked at cute cats with silly captions. So maybe I deserved this. I was typing away on my laptop with my fatty stomach rolls acting as the perfect mobile desk, when I noticed the computer was 'stuck' on something. It wouldn't move. At first I thought I had simply gotten the chord wrapped around the chair again. But the chord was fine. So I picked up my computer to examine it and that's when I found...

Our albino gummy savior had been roasting beneath my laptop for the past hour. It was now more gummy than worm. I tried to save him, I did I promise. But after scraping the rest of his gummy body off the side of my computer and rolling it into a wormy-cylinder I knew nothing would ever bring him back. So I flicked the goopy mess onto the floor.

But, and here's where the story gets supernatural. The worm left a pool of its gummy remains on my pants and, though I've soaked them in hot water and scrubbed vigorously with a sponge, the miraculous Gloop of Gummy still remains. It is a lasting testament I think, to all that he stood for and all he died for. I've since stopped trying to wash those pants, knowing that doing so would be a sin, and I'm in the process of having them matted and framed so they can hang over my bed as a constant reminder of albino worm's presence.

I won't forget what he's done for me and I know that as long as I continue eating gummy worms he's not truly gone. I might even find him again someday. And on that day I will take my pants down from my bed and show him what I've done in his memory. And I think.. I think he'll be proud.

Rest in peace, sweet prince. There's no pain where you are.
Rest in peace, sweet prince. There's no pain where you are.

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