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Superhero Smackdown: Feline Follies

Updated on July 7, 2016

Superhero Smackdown: Feline Follies

"But you didn't throw out Loser-Woman (who is 5' 1", 250 pounds and has alopecia) walks into the fast food restaurant, where she knows she can always find her husband, Loser-Man (who is 5' 6", 300 pounds and almost totally bald). She has decided that she has to forgive him for hugging her before he changed his clothes from his workday as a janitor (he fell in the toilet twice during the day), since everybody she called for a date hung up on her after laughing uncontrollably for a minute. "I guess, at least he is willing to live in the same house as me," a defeated Loser-Woman says to herself. Loser-Man has just finished his five hamburgers and is happy to see her. "At least you're willing to look at me," he says. "Tell me about it," she says. When she says this, it is one of the first times nearly ever that somebody agreed with Loser Man on something. The only thing that has ever agreed for the most part with Loser Man is his food.

They leave and start walking down the street back towards their apartment. While walking is good exercise, it can take very long for Loser-Man and Loser-Woman to get anywhere in a reasonable amount of time. As they are walking down the street, they walk past a couple guys in the middle of a conversation. "You were out in Manitoooooba, eh," one guy teases his buddy,".......oh, by the way, did I pronounce that "o" correctly?" "No, actually I think you didn't pronounce the "o" properly," replies his friend, "the way you pronounced it sounds more like how many Stanley Cups your team has won since 1967...."

It is late enough in the day now that nearly everybody is off of work now, which can be problematic for Loser-Man and Loser-Woman as they walk home. Loser-Woman looks like a sausage stuffed into her tummy tuck skinny jeans, corset, slimming shirt and toning heels (big wardrobe mistake!)- and everybody can notice. "Hey, lady, your clothing is skinnier than you!," says somebody they walk past. Everybody can also notice Loser-Man, whose appearance of a fat slob is enhanced by being in dirty janitorial clothes. "Hey, buddy, I ran out of oil," says another person they walk past,"can I borrow some? You seem to have a lot..." Loser-Man and Loser-Woman finally make it home after losing whatever was left of their self-esteem.

Despite the fact that Catman has been caught, life for everybody around town continues as normal with no parades or anything else (except for the banks, who threw office parties). Fatman and Not-So-Super-Man are still back at the fast food restaurant near Fatman's house. They are soon joined by Captain Up-A-Creek, Not-So-Super-Man's friend from the supermarket. "How did stuff go for you today stocking the dairy aisle, Captain?," they ask. "Everything was as normal, you have to restock everything usually after every certain amount of time," says Captain Up-A-Creek, ".....except for the Bowertown brand lard- nobody has bought that stuff ever since they announced that they were offering people free liposuctions at the plant..." "Bowertown, you say?" asks Fatman, "isn't that the place where the girls gain 20 pounds every ten years once they hit age 18?."

In the meantime, the mayor is trying to learn French. He figures that he is going to lose a landslide in the upcoming election after how poor a job he did, so he figures that if he learns French, he could go and get a fresh start practicing politics in an area with a French speaking contingent. "So, you are from France, huh?," the mayor asks the guy tutoring him. "No, I'm from Quebec," says his tutor. "Tomayto, tomahto," says the mayor. Thankfully for the mayor, his tutor is good in English, since the mayor is terrible in French. The mayor spends his time lecturing his tutor about how good he (the mayor) is at French rather than studying. Soon his tutor is growing weary. When the mayor notices that it is approaching dinner, he asks his tutor, who also owns a restaurant, what is on the menu for today. "Omelette de Oeuf, Filet de Patauger, Poulet Froid and patties of Boeuf Hache," he says. "Sounds like a taste of Europe," says the mayor, "and what will you have for refreshments?" "Unlimited free eau," says the Quebecois. "Eau....that is a fine French refreshment, right?," says the mayor, "I guess they manufacture it in Quebec and ship it here?." "Actually, we find that the stuff in the kitchen faucet works fine," says the Quebecois. The mayor appears baffled by this. "Vous etes une idiote," says the Quebecois. "You asked 'who is an idiot'?," asks the mayor, "my wife is an idiot. How else do you explain how much the lady spends on handbags?." "I hope she is an idiot, monsieur," says the Quebecois, "then when the two of you hang out, you can be in like company." "Excuse me?," says the mayor." "I apologize, monsieur," says the Quebecois, "but I have heard your speeches and I believe that before you work on your French, you should get better at your English." "What do you mean 'get better at my English?'," asks the mayor, "it's my first language!" "Perhaps you took it for granted," says the Quebecois.

The next morning, Catman's attorney and the District Attorney are both sitting in the chambers of the judge for a preliminary hearing. "It's simple," Catman's attorney says to the judge, "the people's case rests completely on circumstantial evidence, since if it was in fact somebody else in a cat disguise robbing the bank, my client would clearly be innocent. There is a man named Feline Freddie who looks exactly the same and has skipped town. The people have failed to present any real evidence linking my client to the crime. As far as I am concerned, the people have failed to present a prima facie case here." "But the defendant was caught running in the vicinity of the scene of the crime," says the District Attorney. "But he could be running just to work out," says the defense attorney, "that hardly proves that it was not Feline Freddie who robbed the bank." "You're almost right," says the judge to Catman's attorney, "the District Attorney almost has blown this case again. However, you have not placed Feline Freddie anywhere at the time of the crime, and you have not shown any corroborated alibi for where your client was and you have failed to offer any explanation short of coincidence to explain why your client was found running in the vicinity of the scene. The circumstances are clearly a case of Res Ipsa Loquitur." "Res Ipsa what?," the District Attorney interrupts and asks. The judge glares. "Res Ipsa Loquitur." The District Attorney looks puzzled. "The thing itself speaks," says the defense attorney for Catman. "Thank you," says the judge to Catman's attorney. The judge resumes speaking. "If I may complete what I was saying this time, anyways, there does appear to be probable cause for arrest here. I am going to let it go to a jury." "But your honor," says the attorney for Catman,"they can't prove a thing and therefore have no reason to hold my client." "You are sort of right," says the judge, "but there is still too much tying your defendant to the crime to dismiss it outright. I would not waste my time on a writ of Habeus Corpus, it is going to be denied. Plus, I don't know how much you have to worry about here....unless the District Attorney starts working harder on building a case, I don't think that he is going to prove to a jury that your client is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt." As Catman's attorney leaves, the judge turns his head to the District Attorney. "Well, I felt it was only correct constitutionally to allow it to go to trial," says the judge, "I really wanted to dismiss your case but I restrained did such a poor job on this one, and plus, you look like my army ex-boyfriend who I dumped for cheating on me with a couple inmates at abu grahib...."

At the same time in the town park, the town was unveiling a statue in the middle of the park of the town hero. The inscription on the statue stating his outstanding contribution read: "He paid his bills."

When the trial begins, the defense and prosecution both present their opening arguments and then they begin presenting their witnesses. When the first witness takes the stand, Loser-Man and Loser-Woman enter the courtroom to watch the proceedings from the galleries. The galleries explode with laughter as they enter. "Do they have a clog that they need fixed?," asks one man in the galleries. "Save everybody's eyes! Hide the cameras!," calls out somebody else. The judge points to Loser-Man and Loser-Woman. "I must ask you to please leave as your presence is causing people to have contempt for my courtroom." "But you didn't throw out every other fat slob in here," says Loser Man. "Some people wear it a bit more gracefully," says the judge. The mayor is also present in the galleries, sitting next to his wife. The situation is rather uncomfortable though, since the mayor's girlfriend is a couple of rows over. He hopes that his wife does not realize who the woman a few rows over is, but it seems that his wife keeps exchanging angry looks with his girlfriend. This makes him especially nervous, since the lump on his head is still recovering from when his wife hit him over the head with a skillet two weeks ago.

The prosecution presents Fatman as a witness, but he has to admit upon cross-examination that the feline person that he caught theoretically could have been anybody as he had lost track of Catman in the interim. The prosecution then presents Blunder Woman as their next witness. Blunder Woman is 5'3" tall, 175 pounds, the only crime fighter in baggy sweatpants. She studied excessively in school, but somehow never got great grades; however, she was successful at putting on a lot of weight. Still, she was not voted as the person in class least likely to get a date. Loser-Man was. She still likes to brag about that. "Can you please describe what Catman told you, Ms. Poindexter (Blunder Woman)?," asks the District Attorney. "Objection," says Catman's attorney," if she was only told something, her testimony is hearsay." The objection is upheld. After being excused as a witness, Blunder Woman starts walking out of the courtroom. "Blunder Woman blunders again!," calls out one of the people in the galleries. The galleries erupt with laughter. "Order! Order in the court!," says the judge... " "and by the way," adds the judge," she did not 'blunder', the issue was the District Attorney not knowing the law well enough and calling her as a witness." Nobody in the galleries pays attention to the judge. As this is going on, Blunder Woman trips over her own feet as she is leaving the courtroom. This makes the galleries get nearly out of control in laughter. "Order!," calls the judge, as he slams the gavel. Pointing to one of the spectators, he says, "officer, that man in the second row is in contempt, take him away!" When no officer responds, the judge asks the bailiff what is going on. "Unfortunately there are no officers present," he says. The mayor stands up in the galleries when he hears that. "How is that possible?," asks the mayor," I raised the Police Department's budget so that they could hire more officers!" "Please sit down, Mr. Mayor," says the judge," if I remember correctly, you slashed the budget of the Police Department."

After the prosecution and defense have both exhausted their witness lists, they both present their closing arguments. The jury then debates for a whole day whether to convict Catman since everybody knows he is guilty or to acquit him since that is what the evidence compels them to do. In the end, law wins out. The jury comes back with an acquittal.

As Catman walks out of the courtroom, Fatman congratulates him. "That District Attorney certainly has my vote in the next election," says Catman to Fatman, "if I had my way, he would never leave office." "Well, I've got to give you by the way," Fatman says to him, "when you were running away from that bank, you were just as fast as when you were a wide receiver in high school.". "And you were just as hard to get away from once you were on top of me as back when you were a lineman on the team," Catman says to him. "Why don't I take you out to lunch to celebrate?," Catman says to Fatman. "Sure," says Fatman, "as long as we're not going to Taco Grande."

The mayor returns to his office to sign a paper or two and to sit in his office and work on his book about how he ducked a conviction for embezzling city funds. The book is called "If I hid it, here's how it happened." His campaign manager told him not to write the book since it would hurt his campaign for reelection, especially his campaign slogan for reelection: "Less corrupt than Nestor Kirchner." In the end, the publisher and it's lucrative offer won out. His wife comes to the office to give him a hard time about her suspicions of his affair, but he tells her that he is busy on important business and can't talk (he is actually busy writing a book and does not want to talk to her about what he figures she is coming to talk about). He just keeps writing his book. "I told everybody that we had a budget deficit, but really our budget could have been perfectly balanced," he writes. The phone then rings. "There's a lady on the phone asking for the mayor's wife," says his secretary. The mayor realizes that it must be his girlfriend. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo........," says the mayor as he dives to try to stop his secretary from handing his wife the phone. A few hours later, there are posters on telephone poles that read: "Missing. Mr. Mayor. A cash reward is offered for information on his whereabouts. Last seen at 11:00 AM. Presumed terrified." The deputy mayor had to take over duties temporarily. The city government actually functioned more efficiently under her anyway.


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