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Superhero Smackdown: The Secret Weapon

Updated on July 31, 2016

Fatman may have foiled the criminals last time, but they have a new plan to stop him from foiling them again! Will it work? Find out...

Even though Catman and Catwoman were arrested, Ratman is still out on the streets making trouble. And worse yet, Catman and Catwoman have been acquitted. Everybody is still in just as much danger as before.

Now Catman did not find getting foiled very funny. So he has come up with a new plan. He has to keep Fatman distracted for long enough that he can do everything evil that he wants to do without getting stopped. "It's just no fun being nice," he says to himself.

He considers blocking the entrance to Fatman's apartment- but then realizes that the whole barricade and the door will probably get knocked down when a surprised Fatman's stomach bump the door. So he develops a more sneaky plan.

Catman visits Fatman's headquarters, his local fast food restaurant when he knows Fatman will be eating breakfast. He finds Fatman pigging out. "What are you doing here Catman? Villains are not welcome here!," says Fatman. "Well if villains are not welcome, what are you doing here Fatman?," asks Catman,"...well, anyway, I am not a villain in the eyes of the law, I was acquitted." "I am flying right," says Catman, "and to symbolize our new friendship, I wanted to give you a $500 gift card to Taco Grande." "Somebody who gives me a free $500 fast food gift card can't be all bad," says Fatman,"you obviously have changed." Catman hands him the gift card. "Well, I've got some things going on, Fatman, so I've got to go..,"says Catman. "Actually, I've got to go, too," says Fatman," I've had too many colas and if I don't get to the bathroom fast, I'm in trouble!!"

After relieving himself, Fatman finishes breakfast. While he is finishing breakfast, his superpowers tell him that a robbery is in progress, but he figures that it can wait until he finishes breakfast. Of course, by the time he is done breakfast, he can sense that the robbery is over.

Later, he finds out what was going on. Ratman's supervillain powers allowed him to get inside of a bank that is closed since it is a sunday, and once inside, he disabled the alarms and unlocked the doors to the bank and the vault doors so that he could help some robbers to get in and rob it. Ratman disables the cameras once inside before he signals the robbers to enter so that neither he nor the robbers can get caught. The robbers clear out an enormous amount of money since the bank had just gotten it's cash shipment. Ratman never actually robs banks, that is too evil for him. He just unlocks doors, disables cameras and disables alarms for the actual bank robbers, who give him a cut of the loot afterwards.

Fatman is too late to foil that robbery, and there is no more trouble for the rest of the morning. For lunch, he can't resist. He goes to Taco Grande and spends $250 of his $500 gift card on tacos and burritos. "That Catman is not so bad after all," he says. Then he goes back home. "I don't think that I could have bought that much food at the supermarket for $700 with the newest price increases," he says to himself. Fatman can only use cash or credit at the supermarket anyway (no checks), since he bounced too many checks.

Fatman soon begins to feel some rumbling in his stomach from eating so many tacos and burritos. He even ate multiple egg burritos. Fatman can't help himself and begins to pass gas uncontrollably. The situation begins to deteriorate fast from there. Fatman loses his super powers if he smells too much chili gas. After that many tacos and burritos, he can't prevent his own demise. "Oh no!," says Fatman,"extra...smelly...chili gas!.......super...powers...fading..." Fatman could lose all of his superpowers. Catman's plan now looks like it may have worked. With Fatman immobilized, Catman could be free to rob anything and anywhere he wants in the city. Catwoman had told Catman that she would be willing to date him if he can pull off a heist without getting caught and prove he is a real criminal. Now it looks like, with his plan going well, he just might get that done. "I am such a sucker for dames," Catman thinks to himself.

Catman decides that he is going to rob both the vault and the safety deposit boxes in the City Central Bank. 'Don't do a crime if you're not going to get much dime' is his motto when he has to do a crime. He lurks near the bank hiding in some bushes out front waiting for a time when there is nobody in the lobby, but soon is so disgusted by the sight of some of the scantily clad overweight women walking in and out of the bank that he decides that he must act now. He puts his hand into his jacket pocket, walks into the bank, walks up to the teller line, and then pulls out his gun and orders everybody on the floor. "Please cooperate," says Catman,"I don't want to hurt anybody, I am just doing this to impress a girl." "Totally man, I feel for you," says one of the customers as he gets down on the floor, "I am just glad my girlfriend hasn't made me rob a bank yet."

After cleaning out the vault and the safety deposit boxes, Catman forces everybody in the bank into the safe and locks it from the outside. Unfortunately, inside the safe, nobody is able to get enough cell phone reception to call the police. Catman dashes out the bank, throws all of the loot into the trunk of his getaway car and drives off. Somebody notices Catman right before he drives off and, hiding himself from sight, calls the police. Every citizen in town knows that Catman never obtains such large sums of money legally. Catman may have the police on his trail shortly!

Meanwhile, at the doughnut shop, the Chief of Police and Sargent Mackenzie are sitting down at one of the tables, enjoying some doughnuts and a coffee. A call comes across the radio that a worried citizen just saw Catman and he looked like he must have just done a robbery! "Chief," says one of the multiple other officers in the doughnut shop, " we need to get there as fast as we can to have a chance of apprehending him." "Not right now," says the Chief, "anyway, I would prefer that we don't try to catch him." "What?!," asks the surprised officer, "why?!." "Well, you see, the mayor told me that he needed to make sure that we did not get into any situations and shoot anybody in between now and the election, since it would help him get reelected- we're more popular when we don't shoot people, but just let people get shot," says the Chief, "it's O.K. for an officer to get shot because he did not shoot first, but it makes too much of a stink if a civilian gets shot." "But I have to at least live until the Divisional Round of the playoffs, "replies the officer, "it's supposed to have some really good matchups this year." "Still, we're not trying to be good guys and catch bad guys for now," says the Chief. "But our job is to protect and serve!" says the astonished officer. "For now, our job is not to prevent crimes or apprehend criminals, the mayor wants us to do nothing so that we don't risk getting in bad spots- that is how he says we can protect ourselves," says the Chief," plus, everybody knows that the real duty of the Police Department is to give out Traffic tickets. Now, what are you doing asking me about a robbery when you should be in your parked car, in a cemetery, hidden behind some headstones near a heavy traffic intersection?" "This is outrageous," says the officer," if officer O'Reilly was here, he would have never stood for this...but he was shot in the line of duty, the brave man." "The best piece of advice I can give you is to not make waves," says the Chief," like, look, it's bad luck...look what happened to O'Reilly.." "Seriously, it's just a coincidence," says the officer, "like, obviously it's not like you or the mayor had him shot, right, you know what I mean?" The Police Chief starts whistling.

Catman is driving away from the bank as fast as he can. Once he has made it to the other side of town, he slows down. Then he proceeds until he reaches his storehouse where he hides his ill-gotten gains (he shares his ill-gotten gains storehouse with an anonymous CEO of a large corporation) and parks his car. As he leaves his car, he sees a woman walking down the street, who appears to notice him. He has to act or his run could be over! He runs at the woman, and grabs her and tries to subdue her before she can call the police (not that the chief would allow them to risk the confrontation anyway). She screams like a banshee while he attempts to subdue her, and this makes Catman all the more desperate since he knows that everybody around can hear. Catman may have miscalculated on one thing however when he thought that everybody was out of his way. True, the police might not be willing to do anything for now, and Fatman might be in the middle of a Superpowers meltdown, but Not-So-Super-Man has taken the day off of work because of a hangover (he claimed he had the flu, but his cough went away the moment that he got off of the phone with his boss).

Back at his lair, on the back porch of his apartment, drunken in a stupor after somehow inhaling another 12 pack of beer, Not-So-Super-Man can hear the cry of a victim in distress. He groggily runs as fast as he can (which is about as fast as some people speed-walk) to where he hears the cries coming from. There, he sees Catman tying the woman up and shoving her in the trunk of his getaway car along with the money, since Catman has come to the conclusion that he needs to split- especially with all the fuss that just got raised- before somebody catches on. Not-So-Super-Man jumps to her rescue despite his booming headache and tries to wrestle Catman to the ground. However, Not-So-Super-Man's alcoholism soon betrays him and he suddenly finds Catman subduing him. Catman ties up Not-So-Super-Man and throws him in the trunk of the car along with the loot and the woman. Then Catman shuts the trunk, hops in the car and drives off. "Why hello there," Not-So-Super-Man says to the woman. "I'd prefer talking to the guy who tied me up and put me here more than talking to you," she replies.

In the meantime, Loser Man, the 5' 6" tall 300 pound almost completely bald janitor has come home. His wife, the 5' 1" tall 250 pound with alopecia Loser Woman, is not so happy to see him. "Come on and take a shower as fast as you can," she tells him, "the way you smell, you must have fallen in the toilet a couple times again when you were trying to clean it." "Hey, it's hard to bend down, you know what I mean," he says. "I don't see why, you're pretty low to the ground," she says. "Hey, it's not like you and your feminine odor can smell much better. You do know there is such a thing called perfume, don't you?" "And it's not like I can afford to buy it when my husband makes minimum wage on the nose- I should have known when the engagement ring that you gave me made my finger green," she says. "Hey, does your part-time job as secretary at the landfill help our monetary situation much?," he asks. "I really should cheat on you some time," she says, "I can't believe I got a fat slob with E.D. for a husband." "Hey, well if you did get pregnant from cheating, I guess it would be pretty hard to see it even if you were," he says. "And I'd know who was not the father," she says. "I don't know who would be interested in you though. You know, when those commercials tell people to substitute low fat cheesecake yogurt every time they want to eat cheesecake, you really should listen better." "I can't believe how bad my luck is- getting stuck with you," she says. "Bad luck?," he asks, " if you have bad luck, then how come you got dumped by every player on the football team after one night with them back in high school and still don't have to have a medicine cabinet the size of a Y2K stockpile?" "It's not like you had any problems with getting dumped," she says, " you couldn't ever get a girl in the first place." "Hey, I'd be O.K. with a woman fifty pounds heavier if she had a full head of hair at least," he says, "I really should be the one cheating on you here." "Like you're physically capable of doing so," she says. "Seriously, with all this talk about the world running out of space and then you had to come around," he says. "The pot is calling the kettle black now, huh?," she says. "You know, you might be proof that you can really count a person's age by counting the rings of fat around a person's stomach," he says. "And a baker could take months to run out of the shortening that he could harvest from your stomach," she says. "Hey, you caught a break that you have an extra wide desk at work so that you don't bump everything," he says. "And you're lucky that the supermarket decided to go with extra wide aisles," she says. "I guess you got tired of football players breaking your heart, so you fell in love with cellulite?," he asks. "Hey, I have to compliment you, you got 25" arms- but for some reason, they jiggle a lot more when you move them compared to those body builders," she says. "And Miss America over here would be the authority on that one?," he asks. "How does it feel to have three digits on both the top side and bottom side of your blood pressure?," she asks. As she says this, Loser Man turns and accidentally knocks the lamp off of the side table with his stomach. "You know, if we ever get the money, let's both get bariatric surgery," he says. "You mean it?" she asks. When Loser Man and Loser Woman then hug, it is the second ugliest thing in the history of the city, running a close second behind when the city hosted the heavyweight sumo wrestling championship. As they are hugging, Loser Woman then remembers that Loser Man had not even changed his clothes yet!

Back at his apartment, Fatman is in the middle of a superpowers meltdown as he uncontrollably passes gas from excessive tacos. "Super...powers...fading....," he says, "If I could bag of barbecue potato chips..." With a trembling hand, Fatman is barely able to reach his bag of barbecue chips. Once he begins eating the chips, his superpowers begin to return. Fatman is back!

Now Fatman's superpowers start tingling again. He senses a crime in progress! (It's Catman kidnapping the woman and Not-So-Super-Man). He walks (he is too tired from everything that has happened to run) to where he senses the crime in progress. Catman has doubled back to his ill-gotten gains storehouse, hidden the loot and driven to another part of town where he has gotten out of the car which he has both of his victims tied up in the trunk of, and fled on foot. It is to this location where Catman has parked the car that Fatman goes to. All he sees initially is a car parked, and nothing looking out of the ordinary. Fatman assumes that it must just be that one of the people in the car is below 18 years old and that set his super senses off. "I really need to reprogram these superpowers so that they don't get set off by statutory rapes," he says to himself. Then he notices Catman fleeing on foot out of the corner of his eye. 'That must be what it was', he realizes. He tries to head towards Catman, but Catman is running away too fast for him. However, Catman suddenly loses his nerve and ends up making a wrong turn or two. Little does Catman know that he is running right towards Fatman now.

Loser-Woman has chased Loser-Man from the apartment with a skillet after she realizes that he hugged her with dirty clothes on. Loser-Man grabs three containers of fries from the fast food restaurant and a couple burgers and walks around, dejected. "That hippo," he says to himself. He soon has finished all the food, but, as he is going to put the empty grease-filled containers in the trash can on the corner, he trips over a crack in the sidewalk. All his grease filled containers fly up in the air and land on the ground, leaving the sidewalk extremely slippery. Fatman is walking down one street towards this corner while Catman is running down the intersecting street, unaware that he is running right towards the slipperiest spot on the corner. Catman slips on the grease, falls down, and skids to a stop on the ground. He takes the legs out of an unsuspecting Fatman, who lands sitting on Catman. Loser-Man is just glad that he was not involved in the collision. Fatman has caught Catman again! Since there is no risk of a confrontation when Fatman is sitting on the criminal, the police arrive and take Catman into custody. "Air...>wheeze<....please...," says Catman as Fatman sits on him. They almost forget to read Catman his rights, but Fatman reminds them to.

Fatman wants to find Not-So-Super-Man to celebrate with a beer or two or ten, but he finds that Not-So-Super-Man neither at his apartment or at his job. Then it occurs to Fatman! Maybe his buddy is locked up in the trunk of the parked car he saw! He knows that Not-So-Super-Man ends up tied up in the trunks of cars sometimes when he tries to rescue people. When he goes to check, and forces the trunk open with a blunt instrument, he discovers Not-So-Super-Man tied up, unsuccessfully trying to flirt with an also tied up uninterested woman who is trying to break out as hard as she can. He unties them and lets them free. "Thanks, pal," says Not-So-Super-Man," it has really not been my lucky day." "Thank you so much Fatman," says the woman, "if you ever need a favor, I would do anything to make it up to you." "How about dinner at my house tonight?," asks Fatman. "Well, correction, almost anything," she says.

Loser-Man is completely unnoticed throughout the whole melee, and has now tried unsuccessfully four times to get up off of the ground. Then he flips on his side, sits up, and, grunting loudly as he supports himself, he get onto his knees and then, with a loud shriek, eventually gets back on his feet. "Fifth time is usually a charm," he says to himself. All the exertion of getting up has made him hungry, and he heads off to the fast food restaurant. He sees Fatman there celebrating his catching of Catman over twenty hamburgers and ten sundaes with Not-So-Super-Man. Not-So-Super-Man does not have much of an appetite anyway with all the beer he has in him, but he is very thirsty. "Fatman, this beer wasn't anywhere as refreshing as they said," says Not-So-Super-Man. Nobody notices Loser-Man as he walks up to the order counter. Even the person behind the counter doesn't notice him. Some people get so grossed out by how Loser-Man and Loser-Woman look that they prefer to pretend that they don't see them. "Hello....hello...hello..." Loser-Man can't get an answer from anybody behind the counter. Finally one of the workers turns because he saw a spill and has to look at Loser-Man long enough that he has to admit that Loser-Man is there. After finally ordering his five hamburgers, Loser-Man goes to an abandoned corner in the restaurant and starts eating. It's not just fun and games when you're known as the ugliest guy in town. Loser-Man almost prefers the lack of attention. It usually is not positive attention he is receiving when people notice him.


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