THE LITTLE GIRL IS ANGRY - NOT THE WOMAN
Embracing the inner child.....
It is hard when you come into a situation where you react from past experiences and not just from what is going on in the present. We all have hurt from our childhoods and the wounds are still there, but the hard part is to see past them when "they appear" once again in a current moment. The child inside has to be nurtured and loved no matter what or things can get out of control. I know most of us have been there in some way or form. I guess the easiest way to put it is that we all have "triggers." Circumstances or experiences that bring up a lot of past pain and hurt. We all know it is there, but sometimes we can't control it. It can show it's "fearful" head in the emotions of "anger" or "frustration." It could quite easily cause World War 3 in your living room if you don't know what is happening!
So here we are. I'm sitting here writing about my hurt and my childhood. It is still there and I am embracing it for the first time (I have tried many times before but was too painful) and trying to nurture that child that was left a long time ago. When my mother died and left me with the whole world on my shoulders and took away my childhood. I am fiercely protective of my children because of it and I feel this is still a good thing in a world where children are preyed upon. I was one of those kids in the 60's where a lot of people did not consider my feelings. I was hurt by the idea that people could be so "cold" and immediately "shut down" instead of communicating. I used to ask myself "where is the love?" and then I realized that a lot of people were just "not capable." Their own "wounds" were too deep.
This happened recently with a friend I had known for a long time. I left her with my children for a week while I was traveling. Although she had never had children, she was loving but I realized that a "sensitivity button" was missing when it came to my daughter. When she could not deal with her she sent her to various homes for sleepovers and I had no idea it was happening until I called later in the week. She promised to call her one evening when she left, set up a time and then never came through. Really never explained "why" and just basically "blew my daughter off." My daughter is only eight years old. She cried for an hour and asked me why and I tried to make excuses for a person that I knew lived a selfish life. When I approached my "friend" via email all she did was send a text message for me to show her that she is sorry about 5 days later? This really made me wonder what kind of person she REALLY is? I am still blown away by her insensitivity and the fact that her trip to see a guy for the hopes of her career and a brief fling that went bad years ago took center stage over a phone call to a young child who she "said" she cared about. And this is the point. Children get hurt very easily and it stays with them for a very long time. My daughter is not very fond of this friend of mine now because she is a coward and cruel. Infact she has said a few negative things about her that happened when I was gone and I have listened carefully. This is a mothers duty and my love for her is everything. A mother always puts her child first. Children know more then we give them credit for. I have decided since, to create more boundaries from people who only give to me to get something back. Who do not consider children's feelings, especially mine. The boundaries that I never saw before are now up in full force. This is about taking care of me and my family.
So back to that inner child that rears her ugly head once in a while. Lately I understand her and have figured out a way to embrace her. This has taken me a long time and I finally know how she effects me in moments where I feel discomfort or when I'm "let down." A lot of my good friends understand this about me and whenever we have hit a crisis or place of misunderstanding, they have "done the work" along with me and have communicated their feelings and that is why they are still in my life 20 or more years later. I have recently been honest with all of my oldest friends and have had really good conversations. Any grudges I have had or questions or doubts, I just let them "have it." Being honest is the first step to healing. They welcomed me with open arms because they truly love me. This has brought me a great inner calm.
So who is this "angry child?"
Well you see she was abandoned a long time ago. She had to be resilient to survive in this world and she desperately wanted to be loved. Her mother was gone and then her father was older them most. He tried the best that he could and gave her everything that he had. He was a brave and old fashioned man but he loved her. She became angry at people who let her down or disappeared in any way or only wanted to be near her for their own agenda. Even if it was for a moment or it was temporary because all she ever knew was that "Love was there" and then "Love was gone." This is what happens when a young child loses a parent forever. You just never get over it.
But the point is now that the anger isn't there anymore after my "awakening." It has gone away with the past and it is showing up in a different light now in the love that I give every day to the people that I care most about. That little angry girl realized that she is a passionate and loving being and her anger can only take that part of her away and makes everything more "complicated." She doesn't want to disappear anymore.....
This time around I am embracing her and healing the hurt.